To be pissed about doing all the driving?

[Viewsaremyown]

So my partner and father of our two kids doesn’t drive. Not a crime in itself, but I think he’s unreasonable about it, and would love to know if you all agree.

Years before our first child was born, I bought him driving lessons one Christmas (learning to drive was on his to-do list). He never took a single one, and never gave any explanation or apology for not taking a single one.

Realising that there was probably some sort of anxiety/shame/pride thing at play I have tried to talk in a sensitive way many times over the years to understand if he wants to learn, will ever learn, how he feels about it. Any mention of driving typically results in me getting my head bitten off.

Ahead of the birth of our first child, I hoped that he might learn (he kept saying that he would), but he didn’t and we had to take a taxi to hospital and get a lift home from my parents (not the end of the world, but not massively comfortable being in labour in a car with some random taxi driver, and felt pretty immature getting my parents to pick us up).

Second child - same. Had to get a lift from friends during Covid lockdown.

Now we have two kids and both parents several hours away, all of the driving is on me.

My whole family bought him driving lessons for Christmas a few years ago (about 10 years after the first time) and again, didn’t take a single one, no explanation given, wouldn’t talk about it.

I like driving, and I have said several times that I can be ok with it, if he could just tell me, out of respect, that he wasn’t ever going to learn for whatever reason. He has never provided an explanation.

As a result I’m getting increasingly pissed off with doing all the driving, particularly when I get requests like this half term:

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

I’m knackered from working a full-on job, The Juggle and looking after kids on my own when he’s away for work for weeks at a time. On top of that his Mum’s house is a mess and constant drama so no holiday.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to do that extra drive?

This.

I'm a lone parent who doesn't drive through choice. I've accepted that means I've had to organise our lives around that. He needs to understand that if he particularly wants to do something then he needs to use public transport rather than default to you.

Or they live somewhere they don't need to drive. It's normal for people in London to not have cars.

(Though I'd also not have gone and had kids with someone who refused to do the driving lessons I'd paid for -in fact even wasting the lesson present would have been enough for me to ditch that person for being massively rude)

I'm not. Have 24 hour public transport where I live. Not London either.

Why do people keep buying him lessons if he's obviously not interested though? Seems a bit odd to spend that much, it's trying to guilt trip him. Agree you shouldn't drive to his mums though - that's his problem to solve.

😲😲

He isn't treating you with much respect.

I would be contemplating moving nearer your parents.

My other half doesn't drive. He has a license as passed his test at 17 and barely driven since. It used to bother me but I just have firm boundaries now. We live in a city and so he will take kids places on train /bus if I am not going. I just say no to trips when I think it will be too tiring for me. I think you need to accept he won't ever learn to drive and live accordingly. You need to get your DH to be independent and put your foot down and say no for unnecessary trips

I also know several couples where one or the other does not drive. Like someone in a couple deciding to be a SAHP- it is a joint decision. The main thing is to stand your ground and not be coerced into unnecessary and tiring trips. I think the option is easier living in an urban area with good transport links

At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

Yep, things won’t go just the way you want them when you decide to be totally reliant on someone else giving you lifts.

What have you said to him, @Viewsaremyown ?

He needs to arrange for his mum to see the kids if that’s what they want. And not inviting her to stay when he’s away for weeks on end either!

Is he banned from driving and you just don’t know it (ie it happened before you met)?

Nope. We’ve been together 20 years and met when we were in our 20’s. His refusal to discuss is the same reason he refuses to discuss many other things in the relationship - he avoids difficult conversations. I feel sorry for him actually, as all of his difficult traits are inherited. I’ve seen (more than once) his mum having a difficult conversation about something and totally change the subject in the middle of the conversation- I.e. ‘oh, you know I saw x neighbour the other day and…’. And this worries me - if these behaviours are so deeply engrained, I suspect they’ll get worse, not better…😕

As usual, the first answer nails it.

You know OP. We dint have to tell you. He didn't get to volunteer your time. Ever. If he wants to go to his mums then he finds a solution. That solution isn't volunteering your time and services. That's not how adulting works

@Viewsaremyown the trends are maybe more learned than inherited?

He can take the train to take the kids to his mums, whilst you have a couple days to yourself.

This would majorly piss me off, without any valid reason why he won’t learn (unless you live in a city centre with amazing public transport). The money wasted on not-taken lessons due to him being dishonest about the topic would also!

The not driving, the failure to discuss/be honest about it, and the expectation that you will take him places would be a deal breaker for me.

Therapy. Couples therapy at the least. The therapist won’t let him escape.

I wanted to take my kids to see my parents this half term. I didn't want to drive even though I can (couldn't face 7 hours of driving myself and DH had to work so couldn't share driving). I took the train, or to be precise 4 trains and a bus! There's no way I would ever expect DH to drive us there. I wanted to take them so I did. Don't understand why your DH is relying on you driving everyone there. Has he not heard of public transport?

Has he been diagnosed with something he is keeping from you? Or needs glasses and won't admit it.. Long shot.. Prob just a lazy twat..

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

Haha no. He takes them to his mum. Or arranges it. You do nothing

I'd get shot of him, tbh

YANBU. The stonewalling would drive me crazy.

I definitely wouldn’t drive him to his parents ever again tbh. He can get the train if he won’t even try to learn to drive.

Do you really have no idea why he won’t take the lessons? Is he a big drinker?

You are married to a petulant teenager.

It's one thing for him not to drive, quite another for him to expect you to drive him around. He needs to start getting the train, bus, etc.

I would just make sure that his lack of driving was as inconvenient as possible for him.

So I'd drive myself and the DC around places, and he could come if he wanted. I would not ever give him a single lift anywhere he needed to go, unless I needed to go there too. He can make his own way to shops, nights out, friends, family.

It's his choice to not drive, and so he will have to take public transport. That's what happens if you can't ferry yourself somewhere.

I didn't drive till I was 34, by which time my kids were 4 and 2. Life would be incredibly difficult for us all if I didn't drive now, and I can't believe I went for so long not learning. The freedom we all have and the opportunities that we can say yes to because there's two adults who both drive was worth the discomfort of being an adult learner

He is not unreasonable to not want to learn to drive. It's not an obligation. Millions of people live perfectly full lives without driving. However equally so you are under no obligation to facilitate him in any way or make his life easier so definitely no issue with you not driving to his mothers, and I wouldn't be going out of my way to give him lifts anywhere you weren't already going. If you wanted to go out together and have a drink a taxi should come out of joint family funds (presuming car insurance, petrol etc does as well - if you pay separately for that despite the family clearly getting use out of it that's unfair).

Basically he chooses not to drive, the onus to therefore get anywhere - work, out with friends, to his mother's, is on him. Same as he managed to do before you got together.

I do think it's very unreasonable to buy him driving lessons as a present when he hadn't indicated any interest at that point in wanting to drive - and then for your family to do the same thing again is cheeky AF, and am not surprised he didn't want to talk about it after that!

The whole point of a present is for it to be something the person should want, not what you think they should want. And buying only a few lessons with the full knowledge he'd then have to pay a fortune himself for many more makes it even more of a shit present. It's like giving him a voucher for 10% of a hot air balloon ride when he's afraid of heights! And to be annoyed for not giving you any 'apology or explanation' - how would you feel if he'd brought you something you had absolutely no interest in - a season ticket to a sport you hate/sports car driving masterclass/pottery/cooking/pole dancing course - getting an unwilling thanks and it never being mentioned again is the best possible outcome compared to a 'What is wrong with you, why on earth did you think this was a good present?'

*As a result I’m getting increasingly pissed off with doing all the driving, particularly when I get requests like this half term:

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them*

If he wants dc to see his mother then that is up to him.

If he can’t drive them then there is always trains and busses etc

Thats fair.