To be pissed about doing all the driving?

[Viewsaremyown]

So my partner and father of our two kids doesn’t drive. Not a crime in itself, but I think he’s unreasonable about it, and would love to know if you all agree.

Years before our first child was born, I bought him driving lessons one Christmas (learning to drive was on his to-do list). He never took a single one, and never gave any explanation or apology for not taking a single one.

Realising that there was probably some sort of anxiety/shame/pride thing at play I have tried to talk in a sensitive way many times over the years to understand if he wants to learn, will ever learn, how he feels about it. Any mention of driving typically results in me getting my head bitten off.

Ahead of the birth of our first child, I hoped that he might learn (he kept saying that he would), but he didn’t and we had to take a taxi to hospital and get a lift home from my parents (not the end of the world, but not massively comfortable being in labour in a car with some random taxi driver, and felt pretty immature getting my parents to pick us up).

Second child - same. Had to get a lift from friends during Covid lockdown.

Now we have two kids and both parents several hours away, all of the driving is on me.

My whole family bought him driving lessons for Christmas a few years ago (about 10 years after the first time) and again, didn’t take a single one, no explanation given, wouldn’t talk about it.

I like driving, and I have said several times that I can be ok with it, if he could just tell me, out of respect, that he wasn’t ever going to learn for whatever reason. He has never provided an explanation.

As a result I’m getting increasingly pissed off with doing all the driving, particularly when I get requests like this half term:

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

I’m knackered from working a full-on job, The Juggle and looking after kids on my own when he’s away for work for weeks at a time. On top of that his Mum’s house is a mess and constant drama so no holiday.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to do that extra drive?

If he won't drive he doesn't get to dictate where you drive

This.

I've recently given up driving and absolutely bend over backwards to not make my DH have to drive any more than previously.

YANBU, tell him to sort visits with his family himself. It does mean that MIL may end up staying at yours though.

DH no longer drives (hasn't since a teen) and he asked for a lift probably a dozen times in 20 years. He cycles, he uses public transport etc.

Send him with the dc by train/bus . He will soon learn to drive...

No.

If he wants his mum to see the children he can take those lessons and drive them to see her himself.

You're not his bloody chauffeur.

At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

He can get the train. DD doesn't drive for medical reasons and she doesn't expect other people to drive her about. She walks, gets the metro or gets an Uber

Yeah this would piss me off too, especially the extra expectation on when/where you drive. But what would piss me off more is the refusal to discuss or provide any explanation. That’s just rude and disrespectful as your partner not to share his reasons with you so at least you can understand why.

I could not put up with this. I would find it incredibly unattractive. Driving is a basic life skill.

Don't let him make you feel bad for saying no. He has never felt bad for you having to do all the driving or wasting all the money spent buying driving lessons. If he wants his parents to see his kids he can arrange the travel. What a selfish man

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

He’s a lazy cunt. Tell him he can take the train to see his mum, he is treating you like his chauffeur, OP.

I’m guessing you do most of the housework as well?

He can get the train to his DM then. And help her with the household chores. you're not his bloody chauffeur

Absolutely no issue with helping folks who are unable to drive for medical reasons, or those who choose not to burden others who drive, but honestly I think less of people who choose not to drive and then expect any lifts from others. It really grates on me.

I have a colleague at work and I've ended up in a situation where I am giving her and her toddler daughter a lift every evening because she lives near my home. (Her daughter's childcare in next to where we work so she collects her when we finish).

I offered once or twice when it was raining and now she just kept asking. It feels mean and petty to make a 3 year old take public transport for over an hour at 6pm every night when I'm driving there with (my kid's) car seat in my car already, and it takes me 10 minutes. But she chooses not to drive and has said her husband is sick of giving her lifts so she's really grateful that i will. (in honesty, I think if she's bringing his kid home, he should pick her up but I kind of see it from his point of view if he's been the only driver for their whole relationship).
She's said to me she "doesn't fancy" driving. It's a shame because before this I really liked her and saw us becoming friend but as its progressed I have got more and more resentful.

Sidetracked sorry- rant over!

So both you and your family spent presumably hundreds on driving lessons which....he didn't acknowledge? Presumably didn't say thank you for. And incredibly rudely didn't take or explain why not.

If I were you, yes all trips to his mums is by train.

But also every second family trip we'd all be going by public transport as I'd "want a break from driving".

You are not preventing your DC from seeing their paternal grandparents by refusing to drive them there. Your DH can take the children using public transport.

I have a friend whose partner refuses to learn to drive. I once asked him about it and he said he enjoyed not driving as he was never expected to drive on a night out which meant he could always have a drink. Incredibly selfish.

I'd be tempted to just say "no, I don't think so" and give no explanation, then refuse to talk about it.

My reaction to his demand that you drove for hours so his mum.can see the kids would be to laugh!!

Your mum us doing actual childcare but ad its a driving thing, it falls to you to handle the logistics. So he can bloody well step.up and handle the logistics of seeing his mum. He can find a way to get the dc to her without you.

Was he even planning to go with you on this round trip to visit his mum?!

JMO but I would never have had children with a man who CBA to learn to drive.

It's very telling, and in most cases, the man in question is usually lazy, not very go-getting, or interesting, and has zero ambition, or any desire to improve his life.

Sorry @Viewsaremyown but it's a LTB from me.

It sounds like you are also carrying the load of family responsibilities too... he works away and your family are stepping in for half term childcare. If he works away, there is already a disproportionate load on you. If his Mum wants to see her grandchildren, he can facilitate this. Your parents are providing childcare.. not having grandchildren delivered to them at their demand.

That said.. there may be reasons why he doesn't want to / cannot learn how to drive but he should share the parenting burden in other ways.

Totally. He does this with other stuff as well. It’s totally unattractive.

It's very telling, and in most cases, the man in question is usually lazy, not very go-getting, or interesting, and has zero ambition, or any desire to improve his life.

You have pretty much described a friend's ex husband. She once had to get her young child out of bed to drive her husband to work one evening (he was a caretaker) because the Christmas tree lights had been left on.

What does he say when you ask "why haven't you booked those driving lessons we got you?"

YANBU. Being the only one who can drive is a pain in the arse at times - my DH isn't allowed to drive for medical reasons, and I'd be fucked off if he was allowed but refused to try lessons.

I couldn’t have been with anyone who couldn’t/wouldn’t drive either.

If he wants to sit with his arse parked in the passenger seat then he gets the train to see his family OP. If he feels it’s so unfair his mum doesn’t see the children then he needs to book train tickets doesn’t he and not expect you to transport him there.

How embarrassing.

This. My parents bend over backwards to help us, which I am forever grateful for. I try not to be the martyr but it’s exhausting managing kids by myself. When he is around he makes an effort to help out by cooking and helping extra with kids, and makes a bit of a song and dance about how he’s doing ‘extra’, but always makes sure he takes plenty of time out for himself, so I still feel shortchanged. And to a previous PP - yes, I do most of the house work, house/child admin. He thinks I’m being unreasonable giving him a hard time about being away and that he can’t win, which I can understand, but I think he is just unable to comprehend how much I’m carrying him along.