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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed about doing all the driving?

147 replies

Viewsaremyown · 10/02/2024 22:08

So my partner and father of our two kids doesn’t drive. Not a crime in itself, but I think he’s unreasonable about it, and would love to know if you all agree.

Years before our first child was born, I bought him driving lessons one Christmas (learning to drive was on his to-do list). He never took a single one, and never gave any explanation or apology for not taking a single one.

Realising that there was probably some sort of anxiety/shame/pride thing at play I have tried to talk in a sensitive way many times over the years to understand if he wants to learn, will ever learn, how he feels about it. Any mention of driving typically results in me getting my head bitten off.

Ahead of the birth of our first child, I hoped that he might learn (he kept saying that he would), but he didn’t and we had to take a taxi to hospital and get a lift home from my parents (not the end of the world, but not massively comfortable being in labour in a car with some random taxi driver, and felt pretty immature getting my parents to pick us up).

Second child - same. Had to get a lift from friends during Covid lockdown.

Now we have two kids and both parents several hours away, all of the driving is on me.

My whole family bought him driving lessons for Christmas a few years ago (about 10 years after the first time) and again, didn’t take a single one, no explanation given, wouldn’t talk about it.

I like driving, and I have said several times that I can be ok with it, if he could just tell me, out of respect, that he wasn’t ever going to learn for whatever reason. He has never provided an explanation.

As a result I’m getting increasingly pissed off with doing all the driving, particularly when I get requests like this half term:

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

I’m knackered from working a full-on job, The Juggle and looking after kids on my own when he’s away for work for weeks at a time. On top of that his Mum’s house is a mess and constant drama so no holiday.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to do that extra drive?

OP posts:
EbonyRaven · 10/02/2024 23:02

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 10/02/2024 22:53

YANBU. Being the only one who can drive is a pain in the arse at times - my DH isn't allowed to drive for medical reasons, and I'd be fucked off if he was allowed but refused to try lessons.

Was this the case when you met your husband (he couldn't drive for medical reasons?) Or did something happen to his health since you met/got married?

Original poster
Viewsaremyown · 10/02/2024 23:02

TinyGingerCat · 10/02/2024 22:52

What does he say when you ask "why haven't you booked those driving lessons we got you?"

Typical response: “will you just piss off” or a big long rant about how hard his life is and how he doesn’t have any time.

OP posts:
SleepingBeautySnores · 10/02/2024 23:03

I'm afraid I would be drawing a line and telling him that unless he comes up with a VERY good reason why he won't learn to drive, then the marriage is over. It seem to me that you don't need him, he doesn't contribute to life in any real way, and is more trouble than he's worth OP. LTB!

EbonyRaven · 10/02/2024 23:04

Viewsaremyown · 10/02/2024 23:02

Typical response: “will you just piss off” or a big long rant about how hard his life is and how he doesn’t have any time.

Show quote history

Fuck me, he sounds like a right catch! Shock

Has he always been so utterly vile?

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 10/02/2024 23:07

I know it's not the point but when he didn't do the lessons before you had kids and chose not to have any discussion with you...I'd have been off.

He can take public transport or a taxi.

sleepyscientist · 10/02/2024 23:07

DH has a license.....he never ever drives with me in the car! Honestly OP I would ask yourself if you truely want him to drive. We recon we could save £400+ a month if DH doesn't drive which he doesn't mind. I trade lifts for he does all of the ironing as I would prefer to drive for 3hours than iron for 3 hours.

I would sit him down and say right driving isn't for you not a problem I will do it but in return C is now your problem and we won't mention it again.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 10/02/2024 23:07

@EbonyRaven he's always known that he'll never be able to drive. And he's very good about it, we deliberately live somewhere with good public transport and he'll happily walk quite long distances if needed, so I rarely have to give him lifts. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't annoying to always be the one driving when we go out together/with the DC. But I'm not annoyed at him, just the situation. I'd be annoyed at him if it was his choice to not drive.

BigFatCat2024 · 10/02/2024 23:09

At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

He doesn't drive, so he can take them on public transport or stfu.

IncyWincyCaterpillar · 10/02/2024 23:09

Viewsaremyown · 10/02/2024 23:02

Typical response: “will you just piss off” or a big long rant about how hard his life is and how he doesn’t have any time.

Show quote history

You’re living with a man child who shuts you down with the “will you piss off comment”. I’d take him at his word and piss off OP - you’ll have less stress without him tbh.

Tinkerbyebye · 10/02/2024 23:10

Nope wouldn’t be happening. I would go and collect the kids and bring them home

he wants his mother to see them he takes them in public transport

GingerFinger · 10/02/2024 23:11

Guess he’s getting the train to MIL’s.

Panterus · 10/02/2024 23:11

Circumferences · 10/02/2024 22:39

I'd be tempted to just say "no, I don't think so" and give no explanation, then refuse to talk about it.

Quite!

And then OP you should file for divorce

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 10/02/2024 23:13

Viewsaremyown · 10/02/2024 23:02

Typical response: “will you just piss off” or a big long rant about how hard his life is and how he doesn’t have any time.

Show quote history

BIN HIM OFF

Begin to make plans and I'm definitely not a LTB regular but jheez. It doesn't have to be this hard and I'm speaking from experience. Not the driving bit but the unequal levelling up.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/02/2024 23:14

You are not his chauffeur.

If he wants to go anywhere, he has plenty of options, wak, run, bus, train, taxi etc but your driving services need to end.

Driving aside, he doesn't seem very nice or respectful.

TinyGingerCat · 10/02/2024 23:14

Viewsaremyown · 10/02/2024 23:02

Typical response: “will you just piss off” or a big long rant about how hard his life is and how he doesn’t have any time.

Show quote history

What a prince! I've been married 25 years and my DH has never spoken to me like this. I think next time he tells you to take the kids to his mum's you respond with "will you just piss off" and hope that he does.

Cherrysoup · 10/02/2024 23:15

Well, for a start, he’d be getting no lifts from me, nor would I drive to his mother’s. He can use public transport from now on. My Dh couldn’t drive when we first moved in, but he learnt pretty quick, now we share the driving, of course.

EbonyRaven · 10/02/2024 23:21

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 10/02/2024 23:07

@EbonyRaven he's always known that he'll never be able to drive. And he's very good about it, we deliberately live somewhere with good public transport and he'll happily walk quite long distances if needed, so I rarely have to give him lifts. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't annoying to always be the one driving when we go out together/with the DC. But I'm not annoyed at him, just the situation. I'd be annoyed at him if it was his choice to not drive.

Hmm fair enough. For me though, that is a dealbreaker, even if it's not his fault he cannot drive. I wouldn't want to spend my whole life/marriage being the designated driver. If DH had had something happen that meant he could no longer drive, then I would live with it and manage it, but I don't think I could have started out in a relationship with a man who can't drive - even if it isn't his fault.

Bananalanacake · 10/02/2024 23:24

The first thing that attracted me to DH was the way that he was driving a hire car in the UK though he was German and living in Germany. (I later found out he took his test in the UK when he was a student).

He put his foot down with me and told me I need to drive, so I did. I live in Germany now in the countryside with little public transport. Having to drive is part of my job description as a SAHM.

Branleuse · 10/02/2024 23:29

Dump him. What benefit does he even br

Starseeking · 10/02/2024 23:31

Circumferences · 10/02/2024 22:39

I'd be tempted to just say "no, I don't think so" and give no explanation, then refuse to talk about it.

I'd do this too, lol 🤣🤣🤣

pensione · 10/02/2024 23:32

Viewsaremyown · 10/02/2024 23:02

Typical response: “will you just piss off” or a big long rant about how hard his life is and how he doesn’t have any time.

Show quote history

Ugh he’s a twat. Could you tell him to piss off for good?

Does he add anything to your life?

Moveoverdarlin · 10/02/2024 23:43

I would have had this conversation on about the third date. A man that can’t drive, is a total turn-off. As others have said, it’s a life skill.

I honestly don’t know how you manage. We have two DC and just today alone what with clubs, kids parties, popping in to see grandparents, nipping to get a take-away, we’ve both been in and out of the car all day. I’d be very pissed off to do it all alone.

Telling you to piss off, is a defence mechanism - he knows it’s fucking odd for a grown man and Dad not to be able to drive. I doubt he ever will now though.

RedHelenB · 10/02/2024 23:45

TinyGingerCat · 10/02/2024 22:52

What does he say when you ask "why haven't you booked those driving lessons we got you?"

This

Gcsunnyside23 · 10/02/2024 23:49

Tell him straight up no. And that he can bloody drive them. If he tries to reply with the obvious, that he can't them tell him that's not your fault. If he won't explain why then no sympathy or accomodation for it

Whiskeyvelvet · 10/02/2024 23:51

I taught my very very nervous mum to drive stick shift in her fifties. She subsequently had over 20 years of driving which made a huge difference to her life especially when she was elderly. She could go to church, shopping, and meet up with friends for lunch and so on. My father got dementia and had to stop driving so it was lucky that she learnt. We started off with her too nervous to start the car when there was one other car about 50 yards away. I think almost anybody without medical issues can learn to drive.

Your husband doesn't sound a top quality man specimen. I'd be doing the Mumsnet tinkly laugh and saying something really rude about the likelihood of you driving two hours to his mothemother's. In fact, I would be doing a careful cost benefit analysis of keeping him around.