To be pissed about doing all the driving?

[Viewsaremyown]

So my partner and father of our two kids doesn’t drive. Not a crime in itself, but I think he’s unreasonable about it, and would love to know if you all agree.

Years before our first child was born, I bought him driving lessons one Christmas (learning to drive was on his to-do list). He never took a single one, and never gave any explanation or apology for not taking a single one.

Realising that there was probably some sort of anxiety/shame/pride thing at play I have tried to talk in a sensitive way many times over the years to understand if he wants to learn, will ever learn, how he feels about it. Any mention of driving typically results in me getting my head bitten off.

Ahead of the birth of our first child, I hoped that he might learn (he kept saying that he would), but he didn’t and we had to take a taxi to hospital and get a lift home from my parents (not the end of the world, but not massively comfortable being in labour in a car with some random taxi driver, and felt pretty immature getting my parents to pick us up).

Second child - same. Had to get a lift from friends during Covid lockdown.

Now we have two kids and both parents several hours away, all of the driving is on me.

My whole family bought him driving lessons for Christmas a few years ago (about 10 years after the first time) and again, didn’t take a single one, no explanation given, wouldn’t talk about it.

I like driving, and I have said several times that I can be ok with it, if he could just tell me, out of respect, that he wasn’t ever going to learn for whatever reason. He has never provided an explanation.

As a result I’m getting increasingly pissed off with doing all the driving, particularly when I get requests like this half term:

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

I’m knackered from working a full-on job, The Juggle and looking after kids on my own when he’s away for work for weeks at a time. On top of that his Mum’s house is a mess and constant drama so no holiday.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to do that extra drive?

@TheSilentSisteryes, this was my situation.

My late ExH though was more than happy to travel by train/bus & he was always grateful if/when I drove.
We were living in London before we had DD so it wasn't a big deal.

Then we moved to the suburbs and then it became a big deal as I started to become resentful. So I booked lessons for him which he took to begin with and then he stopped doing them.

Unbeknown to me his alcoholism had ramped up a gear and he knew deep down that he couldn't continue to drive; thank God he stopped having lessons......

Tell him you won’t be driving and when he questions you say “to use your words, piss off” and “you have no idea how hard I work”. Tell him he’s welcome to book and pay for trains for him and the kids though if he’s so keen to go.

@Mummyoflittledragon so the first time he wasted the lessons was not enough to indicate he didn't want to do it, so another present was given if the same thing?

I think it's easy to deduce he's not interested and wasting money buying him lessons is PA as well as wasteful

This. I would be very clear with him - I will drive when I wish to do it - I am taking DC to my parents, but if you want them to see yours you are taking them. Your issue.

Not wanting to learn to drive, for whatever reason, is fair enough. Being willing to use public transport where available and accepting it. Not being willing to say never, and giving expectations that one day you might, is unreasonable.

Not really. Most adults can drive. Clearly, someone driving is a requirement for the lifestyle OP’s DH wants, he just doesn’t see why it should be him.

Well! I felt the same as you OP. My gf is learning to drive and has been for about 3 years now 😂 she is getting there but that annoyance of it being all on you feels familiar and we don’t have children!

anyway what your situation really boils down to is responsibility. He’s not taking responsibility and telling you to piss off or to not be open to talking about it is simply refusing to take responsibility.- I’ve come to realise most issues in relationships come down to that. Not taking responsibility

Sounds like he's a passive aggressive passenger in your marriage and family life as a whole, not just in the car.

What are your options for ending the relationship?

How can you find this man attractive? He's such a man child. Unless it was medical I would never be with a man who couldn't drive. It gives me the ick. You sound so capable, I would be so upset if my daughter lived like this. Honestly I never say this lightly but I would end the relationship. You won't be any worse off on your own and may meet a proper nice grown-up man in the future. In the meantime tell him you're not his chauffeur.

Are you sure that there’s not something he hasn’t told you, like a life driving ban before you met, or a health condition that precludes it? It’s very odd he refuses to even discuss it.

YANBU

if he wants to see his parents, he sorts it. Whether that’s taking public transport or them collecting him.

You have to stop accepting his extra driving requests. Very unreasonable not to drive and then try and dictate when and where you drive. Totally ludicrous behaviour and you have to to nip it in the bud. Stop allowing him to be so unreasonable and selfish.

At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

Say no, it’s ’not fair’ that he won’t learn to decide, won’t discuss it with you and expects you to pick up the pieces. He doesn’t get to direct you-you are not his chauffeur.

But it IS a requirement for the op's husband as he is asking her to drive 2hrs each way to his Mum's. And it is a privilege he can afford as lessons have been bought for him! For most people driving is essential.

This is really unfair then - if you're doing most other stuff too as well as working.
I think he's very clearly just scared yet won't admit it and that's why he bites your head off when you mention it.
I genuinely understand the fear. I, myself, was terrified too and I didn't learn until I was 35. I knew I had to eventually because it simply wasn't fair on DH. It's now been 14 years and I still don't like driving but I can. I can drive the kids to and from activities and their friends houses. When we go on holidays or to visit family I can share the driving. I generally let DH do the busy motorways and I do the quieter roads but it's still good because gets to have a break.

This.

Controversial probably but (outside of medical issues that prevent it) I would have thought twice about having kids with someone who just couldn't be arsed to even try to learn to drive, even when lessons had been handed to him on a plate.

Neither of my parents drive and my childhood and more notably teenage years were hindered by not ever being able to do anything that wasn't accessible by public transport. We lived in a tiny village, so that meant basically everything after about 7pm. I learnt to drive as soon as I was old enough and never, ever take it for granted.

I'd be telling him that he can arrange to take the DC to his Mum himself, by whatever means work, but that you won't be driving.

You need to stand your ground here. Let him sort out the transport to see his family the lazy selfish CF.

How pleasant

Any more bleating from him about what's 'not fair' I'd be throwing straight back at him. Learn to fucking drive and then you can decide what's fair. If you can't be bothered, put up and shut up.

I don't even drive myself. I'm single, live alone and live in a city centre. Even if I passed my test and bought a car there's a huge waiting list for a residential parking permit. But I am independent, public transport here is fairly reliable and I would never demand someone else drives somewhere because it's 'not fair'.

Presumably you both work & need childcare over half term. So he wants you to drive & your parents to do the childcare, but then include his Mum so she doesn't feel left out. Maybe she should come to visit or he takes children himself to visit her?

What about all the wasted money on lessons? He's being flakey. Does he do much housework or do you have to do all that too?

Exactly this.
If he informs you that he doesn't want his mum to have to drive then advise him that neither do you, and that's why he's been bought lessons more than once. There may be some anxiety involved, but that isn't your burden to bear constantly.

He uses public transport, or he learns to drive. Those are the options!

I’d be saying no to the extra driving. Tough if it’s not fair. He needs to learn to drive, can’t believe he’s wasted people’s money not learning. I have a friend whose husband refuses to learn and it’s all on her, the dropping off / picking up. That would really frustrate me. He’s being selfish and no way I’d drive 2hrs extra after dropping and picking up.

@Viewsaremyown - it doesn't sound as though he adds much positives to your life - or the lives of your children, frankly. Can you see staying with him for the next few decades with him taking the mickey like this at the same time as he's being so incredibly disrespectful to you? 🌹

It’s selfish and lazy to not learn to drive and expect the partner to do all the driving.
p.s it gets worse as children get into teenage years too. Picking them up after work, late after parties, dropping places early etc. if that all falls on you you will get more resentful. He needs to learn to drive!