Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

Agree with those who say he's training your behaviour. Sounds like what he wants from the relationship is a housekeeper / governess for his two older children who will also provide sex, while he gets to go out cycling or golfing every week and come back to a clean house and dinner on return.

The power balance is totally off, your not much older than his daughters, which is a bit ick.

But the way he spoke to you, calling you thick and comparing you to an ex, is just conditioning you to accept his behaviour.

I note he has, had a baby with you, but not married you, again a imbalance of power, you do what he says or your out on your ear with nothing.

I'm sorry, OP, but you're with a guy who is almost twice your age being told to 'discipline' and look after his children so he can do what he wants when he wants. These 'children' are closer in age to you than you are to your husband.

It was never going to end well ... and yet you've gone and had a baby with him.

this

Standard teen same sex sibling behaviour. Don't put up with it. Tell them to take it elsewhere and leave any situation they disrupt. Leave them with an unpaid bill in a restaurant. Get out of the car and walk away if they start. Leave them squabbling in a shop or whatever, taking your card with you. It's not on and show them you mean it.

You remind me of my younger self. It’s a difficult situation you’re in, there’s no quick fix here. The daughter and the father spoke to you with no respect and I suspect this isn’t the first time. Work on yourself, you won’t change them, but you can work on your own boundaries and eventually you’ll see the answers. Also, the only good thing I had was financial independence so I hope you have that too.

You met their dad when the kids were 12 and 14 then? And you have a baby who is a few months old? So you could pregnant pretty quickly then. Do you feel trapped? You’ve got yourself into a life of being step mum to teens you’re barely a decade older than with a man 20 years older than you who doesn’t treat you with any respect by the sounds of it. Do you want to be in this anymore? Or are you trapped? Are you financially able to stand on your own two feet?

I have to be honest I am really concerned about you OP. For all the reasons mentioned by posters already your problem is not with your SDs - they sound like normal teens - but with your 'D'P.

I presume that as you refer to him as your partner you are not married. I would recommend that you work on your financial independence as being married gives you many legal and financial rights which as an unmarried partner you don't have.

So please don't put all your faith in this man, and get whatever rl help and advice you need.

I honestly think he saw you coming as a carer for his children and maybe for him in his old age. I believe a decent man would have left a very young woman alone, rather than tying her down with his life & family responsibilities for his own benefit. Please don't take any of this as criticism of you - this is something that has been done to many young women, and it is natural to trust the good faith of those we love. Btw I think this treatment of you was despicable, you sound lovely and far too good for him.

The girls are with you half the week and your partner chooses one of those days for his hobby. He saw you coming.

So you’re not much older than your step daughters. No wonder you find it hard to discipline them, not that it’s your job in the first place. I can never imagine why young women saddle themselves with men twice their age, given how badly it always turns out. I guess the money makes up for it though?

Does he do his hobby every Saturday? While you look after his children?

As a pp said.

Another man avoiding paying maintenance or doing childcare.

While a much younger woman does it for him.

Firstly I think you're doing a great job OP. You've obviously built up a great relationship with your step daughters as they feel comfortable to be their worst selves around you.

I don't agree with people saying you're silly for doing the childcare. I'm a step mum myself and they're family/you're a parent to them. I'm not in anyway saying you should be picking up all the childcare - you're just acting like a family I.e. some days he's out, some days you are.

I do think your partner has been rude to you though. You don't sound like you're ringing him.all the time so it seems like a massive over reaction on his part. I think with teens you've got to accept the moodiness- but not get involved with their squabbles. If they ever put you in this situation again I'd just say neither can wear it or decide for yourselves. It's not your responsibility to ensure they're in a good mood. I feel like you're shouldering a lot of responsibility for ensuring everyone's happiness/good mood. I know it's hard but you need to let that go as much as you can.

I hope it all gets sorted x

You are far too close in age to be a mum figure to the girls. It sounds like they like you which is all credit to you. I imagine they are very unhappy with their dad and that’s why they bicker. Sounds like they don’t have enough money or security so they take it out on each other. Not sure how you can resolve this other than sit your partner down and get him to look after them properly

You should have packed up the baby and left the pair of them home. They don't need a babysitter and you are not old enough to be a mom of teens. Your Dh is dick, he needs to step up and stop expecting you to parent them and actually put in some parenting time himself.
You aren't unreasonable and now you can see why he's divorced from his first wife.

Well they are both mid teens ish, 14 is early teens really. So the squabbling and rudeness are a bit more age appropriate than you made it sound by calling them late teens.
You absolutely should not have to discipline them, but maybe try and ignore their arguments with each other as much as possible. They are having to deal with their Dad having a new partner and a baby, it is a stressful situation for a teenager.
However, it becomes trickier when one of them is also being out of order or openly rude to you. Then you need to say something if you are alone with them, and leave without them if you can. Their Dad is totally out of order swanning off to his hobby, coming home in a huff and putting the responsibility and blame on you !

Ready to be slapped down, and giving no shits....but

These girls really aren't the OP step daughters, they're the DD of OP boyfriend.

Maybe men like OP's boyfriend feel their new girlfriends are stepmother to their DC when not married because people like those on MN are insinuating they are and being old fashioned and controlling these men feel its the job of girlfriend to look after them.

OP in some case SC will have a few step parents throughout their lives.
Just look after yourself and your own DC, make sure DB helps our when needed and let your DB do the parenting for his other DC by himself.

Bless you, I hope you are okay.

The telling bit, for me, in what you say, is when he started comparing you to his ex who used to (shock, horror) expect him to support in parenting to the extent of disturbing him on the golf course (or wherever he is for hours on end during the weekend). The thing is, with you, this response is arguably worse, as he has a 50/50 agreement when he is taking the DC away from their other parent and home there, and leaving you to look after him. And somewhere, there is a woman, no doubt closer to him in age, who has done the work of baby and early years who has been left to sort them and her own life out now.
Question - why do you think your partner has gone for a woman over a decade younger and with less life experience than him?

The ex-wife story is intended to bring you into line and not be like her. Whereas the thing you and she have in common is of course him. And he is a man who would take 50/50 care and not even be there, because he has found a younger woman to step into the parent role.

My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

I’d say their young stepmother being a ‘sister’ is way more inappropriate. You can’t put yourself on their level, all below the level of dad. That’s rank, for one, but also you’ll never be able to assume authority.

I suspect the reason he gave you for his marriage break up is very different to the explanation you’d get from his ex wife. And these young girls have had the disruption of their parents breaking up, their father wasting no time moving in with a new much younger girlfriend, a new young step sibling and then their father avoiding spending contact time with them. Prioritise yourself. Check your finances . He won’t like you daring to do what his ex did- call him out on his selfishness.

But also, your partner is a total prick, for the way he behaves and the things he says. He knows he’s got total control of you.

How did you meet him? Was it by answering an ad for an unpaid nanny and housekeeper with accommodation and sex thrown in free?

It never fails to bemuse me when girls in their 20s saddle themselves with much older men, especially ones with baggage.

The problem isn’t the girls or you, it’s DH, he’s using you as an unpaid childminder. He has them 50 50 so he doesn’t have to pay his ex. Paying half towards uniforms etc is a cop out.
But he’s not actually caring for them 50% of the time is he ? He’s got his live in childminder to do that so he can swan off to do his ‘hobby ‘.
And that person is you.
How dare he call you thick!
Stop doing so much, for all three of them. Let him take them out, let him deal with the rows and rude behaviour.
Next weekend be busy, take your baby out on your own, I wouldn’t even bother to tell him in advance, just get you both ready and go.

So you're almost similar ages to them? That's mad.

welcome to the world of teenagers!

Sorry, I think if you marry a man with children who live with you 50% you have to be prepared to parent them and deal with all that entails.

I don’t think he should be leaving them with you at weekends whilst he fucks off with his mate though.