Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

I'm so sorry OP but this man did see you coming. A much younger woman to look after his teens and then him when he's old?

I'd focus on protecting your financial independence so you have options in the future. And I wouldn't have any more children with him.

Yes, sounds like he's got form for doing the same thing then. He's taking the OP for a mug, and he's got her where he wants her. She looksafter the stepdaughters, plus own child and sorts out any warfare, while he gets to enjoy himself and probably laugh about being able to do as he likes! This has disaster written all over it, unless she is prepared to stop being his servant.

All he's really looking for is that - a servant, who puts up and shuts up. Wake up and smell the coffee, OP!

I agree with what's been said. On a different note, it was around that age were I gave up on days out with my girls. Things like jackets, they need to gave their own. The 16 year old is a young woman, she can completely do her own thing. The 14 year old is then upto him. If his 50/50 includes weekends then he needs to be present.

Op I used to be in an alarmingly similar situation.
Their squabble was minor but sounds like the needle that broke the camels back?
Is he helping with the baby? Making sure you're getting sleep/downtime? Picking up the slack with the house?
If not then why?
Why did his relationship with his Dad's end? Was she tired of doing all the work while he had the life he wanted?
Do you have your own money? And why are you so nervous standing up to him? Is it cos he reacts so badly at every slight inconvenience to him?
My ex did this to condition me not to ask for help as it was easier to do things myself so he got left to do as he wished but I didn't see it at the time.

I'm sorry @LoopyHarry but your shit of a partner saw you coming.
You're barely older than his children and yet he thinks it's perfectly acceptable for you to parent and discipline his children while he swans off to his hobby and then has the cheek to compare you to his ex (she had a lucky escape) and is now cross with you? Nah! His children sound normal bickering, stroppy teenagers but it's his job to parent them and manage them!
You need to stand your ground now and stop letting him walk all over you!

Your DP saw you coming.

Agree
It's not too late op to set your boundaries
I'd have bloody left them home theyre old enough

You've answered questions and comments about the girls but not your partner. I hope you realise that these comnents are coming from women who are really concerned about you, and in many cases, have seen this played out before.

You think he's really generous because he pays for half of the school uniform - as others have said, of course he needs to pay for half of their uniforms, he's not being generous here, he doesn't have to be praised. Did he tell you that as an example of what a great dad he is? Or have you experience of mothers - your own maybe? - not getting any support at all? Not being a total tosser is not the same as being a decent man.

He's being horrible to you as well- putting him down for disturbing his adult time, not supporting you in your unpaid nanny position, making you feel vulnerable by saying you're acting like his ex, so you worry that if you don't behave as he wants you too , you'll be dumped and he gets your child 50% of the time.

You need to step back and think if the life you've found yourself living is what you want for you and your baby. Please don't feel like you're stuck with your decisions or that you're trapped with this set up. Perhaps you were warned by family or friends that this would happen, and you don't want to tell them they were right, but please don't let this be a reason.

If you break up, he won't want 50% custody of your baby, far too much work for him, and harder to get a replacement for you if he has with a baby and two teens to be looked after while he's out with the lads.

He's shown he doesn't respect you, he doesn't support you. Your problem is him, not his daughters, who are regular annoying teenagers - and they're not getting the attention they need from their dad.

What would you think if your child was being treated like this? I'm reading this and thinking if you were my daughter I would be so angry with him, and I would want you out of there.

I agree the problem is with my partner, not my step daughters (who as I mentioned, are lovely 90% of the time, the other 10% just regular stroppy teens)!

I’m a bit overwhelmed with all the responses and it’s given me a lot to think about. I am going to read them properly later on.

And OP, based on him meeting someone new and within two years moving them in and having baby with them, he's not a responsible dad who puts his children first.

Ditto prioritising his hobby and making life less convenient and settled for you and the girls as a result.

He sounds like a bit of a shit dad. Which I know is difficult to accept but again, do you really want to spend your life with a man who is a bit of a shit dad?

You sound absolutely lovely and very kind. There are men who have those qualities too. Aim to be with one of them (and happily single in the meantime) rather than being dragged into being this man's unpaid babysitter and maid.

You're worth more.

I bet he wouldn't want his daughters being with a 40 something man with teenage kids when they're in their 20s. Especially if that man is a dick.

💐🌺💖 Quite understandable to feel overwhelmed and needing time to think and process. Wishing you all the best.

He’s using you. He gets to enjoy his hobby every week while you manage his children. Then when you rightfully raise issues, he compares you to his ex wife. Why did his first marriage break up? Sorry but I think he saw you coming and assessed you’d be accepting of his selfish lifestyle. I feel sorry for his daughters whose dad doesn’t care enough to spend time with them

It's all very sad, I don't understand why a young woman would saddle herself with a grumpy older man. It always leads to the man thinking they are "in charge" and a poor dynamic where he sets rules for you to follow.

That said, you are an adult, even with a child of your own, so I don't know why you can't have a sensible conversation with teenagers. Younger teachers, police officers, social workers and a host of other roles navigate much trickier situations with teenagers every day. The issue is that you are putting it as "disciplining" instead of "calming them down". You could just speak to the girls and say it would be a shame to spoil the day out, so let's move on. If they can't move on, then they stay home. Don't set up activities using them as the entertainment for your friend's kids, then get angry that they won't play along, that isn't fair; at their ages, leaving them home should always be an option.

In future, really don't tell one that they can wear the other's clothes either, that's a recipe for disaster; whoever bought the item decides or both get a new top if they jointly purchased and can't agree.

agree the problem is with my partner, not my step daughters (who as I mentioned, are lovely 90% of the time, the other 10% just regular stroppy teens)!

It's a combination of all three.

Yes teenagers can be stroppy but it seems the 10% stroppyness is whenever you happen to take them out and to me that's just plain rude and it would be the last time I arrange something nice for them.

At those ages if they can't show you some consideration and hold their attitudes for a few hours while you're the one treating them to days out then that is their problem.

With all due respect to yourself, this isn't a dig at you at all, I was actually in a very similar relationship.

If he wanted a partner who would act as a step mother to his children and be able to parent them, he shouldn't have dated someone so close in age to his children. Of course they don't respect you as an authority figure, you're closer in age to them than their father.

I do think their attitude towards you will most likely get worse if you try to discipline them

My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them

Who the fuck does he think he is?

God, you deserve better than this.

This is a sad situation here, for everyone except the OP's selfish pig of a partner. Hoping you can resolve it, OP.

@LoopyHarry
You are worth so much more than this. I hope some of the comments (although harsh!) make you realise what's going on. You sound like a lovely lass who is trying her best to make everyone happy and making yourself miserable in the process. It's time to put yourself first and set some boundaries. If needs be, have some counselling to help you find your self worth. From now on, if his girls are there, he doesn't get to do his hobby. That's just life with children, they come first. And if he does do his hobby then you get equal time off for yourself where HE looks after all three children. If he kicks up a fuss and compares you to his ex, then you will know that he doesn't respect you and basically feels he got his babysitter pregnant. Sending strength. You ARE worth more than this.

Well that's not helpful. That could be 12 or 19!!!! and how you manage each would be different.

No, they are with him 50% of the time.

I suggest you make yourself busy on the hobby day on a regular basis to reestablish his responsibilities. You arent a built in babysitter.

You are very young so have a look at mumsnet a bit more and you'll see it's common for man to find a woman to half his parenting responsibilities.

I had a DP with two kids. The son was a nightmare. I had poor behaviour from him once and the riot act was read when we got home. I said I would not take him again but was persuaded. Poor behaviour again and I dropped the axe and only took the girl everywhere with me and I never moved on that - ever. This meant that DP had to stay at home and be with him while us girls went out and had a blast. He was the older of the two and was old enough to know better. He was upset when we came home and told of our adventures but - boundaries. DP could have taken him out but chose not to, just dragged him to his hobby. Actions and consequences. In your shoes I would never take them anywhere ever again. It's very freeing.

I'm not surprised he spoke to you like that. You won't do it again, will you?

You feel embarrassed, upset, unsupported etc... if you call again and get the same response you cant but your head in the sand.

Can you see how he is training your behaviour?

I know it isn't the point of the thread but your assertion that "he doesn't pay maintenance, he pays half of everything" and then citing the example of school uniform, is very telling. Paying half of school uniform is so very far from half of everything that it is laughable.

Does he provide them each with their own bedroom, buy half their clothes, pay half their school fees, commuting costs, cell phone bills, gym fees, pocket money, birthday presents for friends, spending money etc? Does he feed them half of the week and pay for half of their holidays?

That will tell you all you need to know about what sort of dad he is.

Also. They're his kids, not yours. The fact he's having a go at you about the way you look after them is appalling. He is their parent and he should be looking after them.

Imagine he is saying this to his next 20-something wife about your daughter. How would you feel?

I would unashamedly encourage you to ditch this awful person and find someone your own age who is prepared to parent his own children and cherish you.

I'm sorry OP, but your partner sounds like a dick.