Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

From the teens’ perspective, their dad has left their mum; split their family up, shacked up with someone barely older than them and then had a baby with 2 years. And you wonder why the behaviour might be challenging? What on earth were you and the dad thinking? It’s a total mess of a situation.

I hope you are in a better place now.

You’re on a no win situation here. First, I’d tell the sds that you’re not there to arbitrate on their squabbles-they need to sort things out themselves. If they’re incapable, things will be cancelled. At late teens (guessing 16?) they are old enough to understand that. Your partner-tell him while you love them and enjoy their company, refereeing squabbles isn’t going to happen. He is their father and needs to talk to them. And tell him it’s absolutely not fair of him to behave like that. You had planned something nice for them and both him and they need to sort it out. I know teens are tricky-but they shouldn’t be expecting you to treat them like they’re 10 by interfering in their squabbles.

I'll never understand why young 20 year olds saddle themselves with much older men who have kids already. Blows my mind
The older man knows EXACTLY what he's doing and exactly what to say to hook the younger one 🤷‍♀️

It’s because it escalated to me being called ‘thick’. That’s why I rang my DP And probably why he treated you as one of the kids. What did you expect him to do? Tell you that you're not 'thick'?
They're teenagers. THey're going to bicker. Your mistake was picking a side. Leave them to it and go do whatever it was you were doing. They are old enough that you CAN just walk out and leave them to it

I'd advise you to think very, very clearly about your situation OP. Are you financially dependent on this 'man'? Do you have an education and career options behind you? I wonder whose idea it was to have a baby so quickly. Do you have any friends or family close by OP? This is such a concerning situation, the 'stepkids' are the least of your problems really 😢

@DaffodilsAlready I am! Thank you so much x

Yep because ALL dads who have 50/50 access do it so they don't have to pay maintenance 🙄. Gotta love yet another sweeping Mumsnet statement

To be fair to that poster the thing you quoted wasn't a sweeping statement about men.

They've pointed out that this man has 50/50 so pays no maintenance and this man has offloaded his children onto his partner so he can have uninterrupted hobby time.

He did see OP coming, like so many other men who fit this pattern of behaviour.

It's awfully sad how often a certain group of men find themselves a much younger partner, have a baby with her, and then decide she's got to look after his kids whilst he does his own thing. Like another PP said, these men know exactly what they're doing when they take on 50/50 and have lined up someone else to do the parenting.

Your OH sounds like a pig.

In future, the correct response is that no one gets to wear it. Or you wear it!

You should have just left them behind and gone out.

At 14 and 16 surely you just go out and leave them to it?

Purplewarrior · Yesterday 21:22

Oh I see. So he pays no maintenance?

And you look after the children…

He saw you coming mate.

So when is your down time OP? Does he ever have the baby and the teens together to give you some time off?

Your first mistake was getting with a man so much older than you with kids. Sounds like you're nearer his kids age than his age.

Second mistake is agreeing to look after his kids during his contact time while he goes off doing a hobby. He's their parent, not you. Tell him he can do his hobbies when his kids aren't there.

"Older teens" suggests 16/17/18, so they should be old enough to be left home alone. Arrange to do things without them if they cannot behave.

As an aside, they should have their own clothing items, not having to share them, so the one who was allowed the jacket should have been the one it was bought for originally.

He sounds useless and selfish

you deserve better op

I’ve been through similar. When my step daughter was younger I took my step daughter on days out- my choice not asked for by her dad like the zoo etc. as she got older it became less as she had birthday parties etc to go to at weekends. As she hit the teen years and I had my own child it got to the point where every time I tried to organise anything and invited her along, she would agree but kick up a huge fuss over something in the hour before we were due to leave. In the end I told her and my partner I would not be inviting or taking her along anymore. I also said that I wouldn’t be staying home to babysit if my plans coincided with when my partner had plans. It was tough, but I didn’t feel like me and my child should be missing out due to her tantrums.

Just don’t arrange things on your own with them. Arrange trips out with them only if dad is around.

Stay out of petty squabbles by saying “I’m not getting involved” or refer them to their dad to arbitrate.

If they are rude then just say “I’m not going to stay to be spoken to so rudely. You know where to find me when you are ready to apologise” and walk out of the room.

So he’s comparing you to an ex who used to contact him when she needed help with the family? It sounds like he’s got history of swanning off doing his own thing and then getting pissed off when he gets pulled up on it.

Teens can be very difficult.

When they are yours you have been through the growing up process with them which helps you both understand them and put up with them,

Step back.

Teens are as a rule not grateful and often create a terrible atmosphere. These are not your teens and not your problem.

Don't make plans with them unless their dad is around.

It's impossible without knowing their ages really. Eg knowing whether they can be left or not

@PinkyFlamingo ^

OP says "they are 14 & 16. So I guess one is ‘mid-teen’. Difficult ages." 🌹

I have similar age DC and they can be horrors but

1. Why is your DH swanning off doing his hobby leaving you with his kids? Presumably 50% care means he has 3-4 days a week (or whole weeks depending on the schedule) when they aren't with you
2. SD's are old enough not to need babysitting. You should have called your DH to say SD's are being awful so I'm not taking them. Up to him if he wants to come back but really no need for you to insist and him to whinge
3. shitty behaviour comparing you to his ex & chances are the same problem is rearing its head ie he's not getting the freedom he expects because the little women is putting her foot down

You need to have a strong word

This in spades! He's got it made - you can be bullied into being default parent to ALL of his children (with no babysitter fees) and (sorry) he has a really young sex buddy into the bargain. You're not married so no worries there about you ever being entitled to half his assets (just a piddly bit of child maintenance at most).

Let me guess, either marriage is "just a piece of paper" or he's afraid of getting married again because he's been "burnt" by his ex wife, or it might upset his girls?

What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

Please protect yourself, as others have said, and do things to build up your earning power. Read him the riot act and decline to be left alone with his elder children for a LONG time and certainly until he's had a serious attitude adjustment to seeing you as a partner rather than 'the help' over a sustained period of time.

I hate to say it but this is why men who target much younger women are so suspect - it's easier to bully and control someone with less life experience.

Your partner sounds selfish and rude. He was 'embarrassed'? Fucking hell! He needs to grow up, he is a parent and needs to act like one. There are times he will have to leave his hobby and return home for some family reason or emergency. He knew that presumably before had children. If one of them were seriously ill, would he still feel 'embarrassed'? What a cocklodger.

Btw, just a question; do YOU get time to do a hobby?

And this is why I don't trust any man who would marry someone closer in age to his children than himself.

What time away from all the children do you get? He wants his so you should be entitled to yours…?

He is being unreasonable - if his daughters are only with you 50% of the time, then he should be doing his hobby on the other 50% and spending time looking after his girls and not leaving it to you.

What happened about his hobby before you were with him OP? Did he leave his DC on their own or has he only returned to it once you were there to look after them?