Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

Some advice: don’t get involved in arguments. Just walk away.

You should have left them at home and gone on your trip.

Theyre old enough to be left

My partner is in his 40s, I’m in my 20s, the girls are both teenagers and we also have a baby.

Well that's not good. Sorry OP, but he did see you coming. Don't get pregnant by him again. Do you know the ex wife? I expect she's got the measure of him and knows his true colours. And the girls are being like this because their dad is a disrespectful, waste of space, misogynist prick.

I don't know how you proceed. I mean, I know what I think would be the best thing to do, but that would be hard to hear and probably quite unhelpful. But I will just say, do not get further enmeshed and dependent on him. And tell him to parent his own children.

Can you explain why he is not parenting his daughters on the weekends that he has them? Why does he leave them with you to go to his hobby?

This!

Though i do agree with him on one thing, you should be stronger/bolder/firmer but with him. You should tighten your boundaries with your partner and put him straight.
That card he pulled of trying to say you were like his ex, is pure manipulation. Don't fall for it. From now on, you should leave the teens to their Dad.

Why is he off doing his hobby on contact weekends?

OP, do you have a job?

I really thought that if you got involved with an older man, the idea was that he'd be somehow more worldly and established and take you places, literally and metaphorically, where you wouldn't otherwise go. Not necessarily that he was rich but that you somehow benefited from his longer time on earth.

If he's just going to fuck off and do his own thing and leave you with the kids, two of whom aren't even yours, what on earth is the bloody point? You could have a younger guy your age and at least you'd only have your own children to worry about, plus there's more chance he'll grow out of his selfishness.

@LoopyHarry I agree with everyone else that your DP is the problem here and a major one at that, so I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said about him

But I did want to say, also like others, that I do understand how difficult it is to 'parent' teenagers who are not biologically yours and you are only a few years older than they are. I've been down that road ( it didn't work out in the end). Whatever else you do, I agree with some posters who say that you need to find a way to NOT get involved in their squabbles in the first place - put everything back to them AND be prepared to leave them at home without you if they won't stop. They are old enough. The fact that you were all supposed to be meeting up with someone shouldn't have let you stop just leaving without them, after a warning. You do need to be firm about it and just stick to the consequences that you have warned them about.

Funnily enough though, I wouldn't have phoned him at all. I would have said something like 'wait until your Father gets home....'

If you are going to be in charge of children you have to be able to have authority and discipline them if needed. Why would you give your power away?

OP still wanted to take the girls (she's explained why and I think that's totally reasonable) BUT with their dad there to manage them so her day out isn't ruined by them again. I think that's also reasonable, especially since OP had already made her boundaries about their behaviour clear to him.

He is allowed to be disappointed that he has to leave his hobby, but his reaction was completely unreasonable and disproportionate. This needs discussing with him, and he owes you an apology and an explanation for his behaviour.

If he's unable to do so, I would suggest couples counselling.

If he won't do that, then do not waste any more of your time with him. The longer you leave it, the more the good ones (your own age) will be snapped up. Dating in your 30s+ is not easy, especially as a single parent.

I think you do need to wise up, and quick!

I feel for you. I have DDs in their 20s and I would hate for them to end up in a situation like yours. How does your family feel about it?

You sound emotional and exhausted. Is this prince among men actually looking after his baby at all to give you a break, or is he just into dumping his teens on you as well as your baby?

This man needs a bloody great big kick up the arse!!

There's been a lot of focus on OPs partner. OP has said she is sleep deprived and is having some anxious new mum stuff going on, ontop of being conflict avoidant by nature. That will undoubtedly be steering the way she manages situations.

OP, if you are still reading, your partner needs to be giving you additional support right now. This every Saturday hobby needs knocking on the head until you're feeling more confident in yourself (and you are not sleep deprived!). It won't be forever, but if he wants to be with you forever then it will be a small sacrifice in comparison to losing you for good.

Again, massively encourage some couples counselling if he is being shitty about supporting you during this very vulnerable time.

My SD would have been pissed if her dad left her with me and didn't spend special time with her. We got on fine (we don't now unfortunately) but when we spent time all together as a family she got annoyed and wanted one on one time with just her Dad. We facilitated it but felt it was a bit unreasonable as we were doing nice things as a family unit and my DC didn't get to spend alone time with their DF either. But there you go.
What I'm trying to say is perhaps they misbehave because their dad isn't showing an interest.

OP do you live in your partners home or one you are both buying or renting?
Are you on maternity leave or have you given up your job to care for your baby and partner?
There seems to be more issues & red flags going on than just teenage step kids bickering .
Please think seriously about your financial future & vulnerability.If your partner is shirking his parental responsibility to his teens , how is he treating your child? Is he passing the baby literally, whilst it might be tolerable now how would you feel if you had more children & were left to parent on your own ?
He has already had one failed marriage & doesn’t seem to have learnt from past mistakes.

I’m just wondering why your husband can’t do his hobby when his girls aren’t there? He seems very insensitive to your situation and rather selfish. I think you need to lay down some boundaries with him.

I would have said later teen years are much harder than 14-16! These are two young girls who are dealing with hormones, sibling rivalry, a broken home and daddy partnering up with a woman not much older than themselves who tried to "discipline" them, someone much younger than their dad, and him starting a second family with such a huge age gap with their new half-sibling.

It is going to get much harder before it gets easier, if it ever does for you, and that is not your problem to solve, your dp needs to support you more and than means being present when they are at his for contact time.

I echo what many others here have said, keep your financial independence as much as possible it sounds like he is taking advantage of your naivety, dominating you and being abusive. He is old enough to know, or he should know, his expectations of you are completely unreasonable.

The way I see it is that when they are with you for that 50% of the time, it is up to your DH to be the primary parent. He has to forego any activity or socialising he might have planned to be their father.

You were 100% in the right here by phoning him and telling him to get back and be their father.

My probably unpopular opinion would be that you have zero obligation to bring his daughters anywhere when he could do it but chooses to do a social activity of his own during their 50% of their time visits.

The teens are also probably getting to an age where they are getting properly pissed off with the back and forth between parents homes. Have they been asked if they want to continue with this arrangement? Are they of an age where their opinion carries weight in court hearings?

Then the next time they have a clothing dispute over a jointly owned item, they can either have you flip a coin or they can "rock, paper scissors" the decision.

Your NVDP needs to step up and parent and stop foisting them off on you while he does his "hobby". Personally, I think it's stupid when men have hobbies but act like their OH/DP/DW/SO should not have them. There is nothing "special" about men that dictates they need time-off while the little woman keeps the home fires burning.

I wouldn't bother arranging anything for them again, nor would I be babysitting them at that age.

If they need anything on a weekend when they're with their Dad, he should be the one who facilitates it. You are not there to ensure he has his 'boys time'.

I'd also be telling him that if he starts with the 'my ex was like this' shit again then he can fuck right off. Cheeky bastard.

If you are going to be in charge of children you have to be able to have authority and discipline them if needed.Why would you give your power away?

To be fair to the OP she's tried to make a a sensible call in how she approaches the situation as she's much younger than her partner and not that much older than her partner's teenage children.

I really respect her for acknowledging the situation and not trying to take on the step mother authority role. It isn't her role to discipline her 40+ year old partner's teenage children.

Not all new partners see themselves as alternate parents to their partner's children. Some are quite happy to be "dad's new partner" and a bonus adult in the children's lives. The responsibility for parenting lies with the parent and the new partner is a supportive adult, someone who'll be a listening ear, but the relationship is more like a family friend/aunty. I know a few people who've taken that approach when dating someone with older children because their step children have a mother and a father already.

I’m sorry but there are just rows and rows of red bunting hanging over your partner
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
40+ year old, divorced, two children 50% of the time so paying no child maintenance, hooks up with a 20ish year old, continues to do his hobby every Saturday leaving the kids with his young girlfriend……… has the gall to berate YOU for not disciplining his own children well enough! And is now continuing to be in a grump with you! I would honestly run a mile.

OP you did exactly the right thing in responding to their behaviour by cancelling the outing for them and calling your partner. Although you shouldn’t have to discipline them you have a right to expect respect as the adult in the relationship, much the same as if you were their teacher. I agree with pp that your partner needs to step up.

Only she's now probably dependent on him financially and the SDs will be the baby's half-siblings for life.

OP, you are plenty old enough to have authority over teens that age. If you had gone into teaching you could be in authority over 30 at a time. Question is do you want to be?

It's going to be difficult to live with your DP and girls if all parties don't accept you as having some degree of authority, whether parental or aunt-like. I wouldn't stand that sort of rudeness from my nieces or nephews, but nor would I call their parents back if they were rude on a day out with me.

I'd give it my best go to get them to apologise and get in the car. But YES you can go without them. Make it clear that B and C will be disappointed if they don't join the lunch, but if they choose to be rude that's on them not you. If you want to, call DP and tell him that X has been rude, refuses to apologise, and you are going to leave her at home unless he wants to come home and deal with the matter differently.

I'm sure the friend's kids would have had a nice time cooing over the baby anyway. Teens don't always get on with family friends' kids, and I'd suggest if they were really friends they'd get their act together and do whatever it takes to go with you.

Then there's the DP problem. So he's sulking and being rude, just like his kids? You are trying your best with his kids and he has no right to be anything other than appreciative and supportive. Specially if he's swanning off to do his hobby and leaving you to entertain them.

As for Miss spoilt her outfit 😂 I don't think I'd be able to help laughing if my kids tried that one. While obviously acknowledging that she's hitting out because she's upset, and making sure I'd not made a mistake about the actual ownership of the garment in question.

yuck how awful of your partner and as a side note wtf are you doing with a man twice your age with 2 teens! Teens can be dreadful when they're your own never mind someone else's

if you haven't already take your baby to family and leave the lot of them to it