Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

i think as a someone who is closer to their age and who is non-confrontational you are always going to struggle to discipline them.

stop getting involved in their arguments, read up on teen parenting and tell your partner that he needs to do his job as a parent.

Ask your DP where your downtime is - seriously.

Fuck that. As others have said, pays no maintenance and uses you as a nanny. Fuck that.

Don’t take them out with you again and don’t arrange treats for them. They can spend time with their father. How dare he speak to you like that! He’s a selfish prick who sees you as his housekeeper and nanny. You deserve a lot better.

The fact that he had he same issue with a former partner - leaving her to take care of his kids - speaks volumes. I don't mean to be cruel here, but I'm going to guess that your baby was either unplanned or was something that you wanted/pushed for. I say that because he doesn't sound like he wanted to settle down, or even wants family life. More that he wanted someone to look after his children while he gave the impression of being a caring father and avoiding paying maintenance by having 50% custody, ideally someone much younger who could make him look good and non-confrontational who he could manipulate. I'm sorry if that sounds cold, its not my intention to upset you, as it's hard to see a situation clearly while you are in the middle of it. I hope that I'm wrong but suspect I'm not. I think you need to open your eyes to the situation that you are in and protect yourself and your baby. Don't be financially reliant on him, especially as his daughters will soon no longer be financially reliant on him. Once maintenance can end, I doubt if they will be with you 50% of the time and you won't be needed to babysit. You split up and the pattern repeats - 50% custody, no maintenance paid, another stepmum. You say partner, so I assume you are not married, which makes it even more important to protect your own interests.

Actually I think @Purplewarrior was spot on.

When I was in my twenties I went out with a man in his late forties. I thought he would be more mature but I ended up feeling like his mum. The best thing about that relationship was the sex - which was out of this world.

Actually, as soon as he spoke about your comments reminding him of his former partner that would have condemned him - who the hell does he think he is and who created the two older kids? The tooth fairy? The more I've read on here, the more I think what an utter arsehole he is. I hope you make the right decision, but I think he's done a real number on you and you sound quite intimidated by him.

Sometimes its a pickle either way

Stop organising days out for SDs if there dad isn't there. Simple. Why you've saddled yourself with so much in your 20's is beyond me but time to grow a bit of backbone now you have a baby of your own. Your partner shouldn't be buggering off to his hobby on a sunday when you are right in the new baby phases and especially when his kids who are going through a difficult phases are there. Its not on.

So she was wrong to ring their father? Really?

'The more I've read on here, the more I think what an utter arsehole he is.'

I agree, once you consider all of this it is apparent what sort of man this'D'P is. How many new parents get to have a regular hobby when they have a new baby? Yet this man fucks off every Saturday to his hobby leaving the Op to care not just for their baby but his own DDs?!

They are probably playing up with OP because they are teens, but also because they know their father isn't interested in spending time with them so are lashing out.

I’ve voted YABU because whoever owns the jacket wears the jacket. If you want to borrow ANYTHING you ask FIRST.

I think this often has something to do with it, men in their 20s can lack experience that older men have and thats appealing. But the key is to not, no matter how good the sex, get roped in to looking after their kids from previous relationships. That way lies madness. Not saying that what's happened here but 20s is for fun and building careers, maybe having babies of your own, not being free childcare to a middle aged man's stroppy kids. Then getting shouted at for your troubles.

I always assume there's a 'golden bank account' involved. And or 'fame'.

He is a shit father and partner. He can do his hobby - I bet it is golf - when he doesn't have his older children. I assume you never get time by yourself without your child

My late husband's kids were adults when his first marriage broke up. (First wife had acquired a boyfriend.)

I never had to parent - I'm only a few years older than the eldest child - so I'm not speaking from experience. However, I should imagine that it's difficult and possibly unrealistic of your husband to expect someone in her twenties to be a parent to teenagers.

As a young teacher, I had to be an authority figure to teens who were only 8 years younger than me. Must be a lot more difficult in a parenting situation.

I've just seen a few comments making assumptions that younger wives are gold diggers. Nope. Can be the case, but my late husband's wages were no better than mine. When he retired, I became the primary breadwinner.

Just adding this, because it's not fair to make assumptions about the OP's motives for getting married.

I think the worst that you can say is that she's been naive. Sorry, OP - that's not a dig at you. I was in my mid-thirties before I got married. I thought long and hard about it because I knew what the drawbacks would be. It's not easy.

Mummy/daddy issues
Money
Midlife crisis
Security
Maturity (or lack of)
Feeling like you're younger, or feeling like you've grown up.
Just general attraction and for them age isn't a factor; if late 20s and early 40s it's only just over a 10 year age gap. There's not really much difference between someone in their late 20s and someone in their mid 30s, especially if they have a baby.

*As a young teacher, I had to be an authority figure to teens who were only 8
Only it isn't a parenting situation. She's their father's much younger partner.

if late 20s and early 40s it's only just over a 10 year age gap. It's going to be 11 years or more, and that's a big age gap.

You're a nanny he also gets to shag. He hasn't even married you. Despicable man.

He’s training you up to be a dogsbody by using emotional manipulation. Two girls of that age are going to bicker. Obviously it’s easier to swan off to your hobby and let your partner deal with it. Not to mention also looking after your baby. Some people have age gap relationships that are healthy but it does quite often involve an imbalance of power in the relationship which is your problem I think.

I didn't realise until after I commented that the OP isn't married. Now that I've been teaching for 40 years, however, most of the families that I see have parents who aren't married and have no intention of getting married.

Some of the parents are in stable relationships, as solid as any marriage. Some change partners quite frequently. What I've found, however, is that the existence of a marriage certificate is now seen as being irrelevant in the areas where I've worked. It's definitely not.

My husband's daughter had a partner who was much older than her. When he died unexpectedly, she faced great difficulty because he hadn't even made out his will.

The partner had been a SAH dad while the daughter worked. (He had retired early with a good pension.) She had just given up her high-paying job - the intention had been to have a couple of years as a SAHM and then return to work.

Everything was resolved in the end, but it cost a great deal in time, money and stress.

Given what I've seen happening to my husband's daughter and other women in a similar position, my recommendation would always be to have that marriage certificate. It's much more than a bit of paper.

I don't think that the OP should be expected to parent in the situation that she's in. She's too young, compared with the age of her partner's daughters for a start.

As a young teacher, I had to be an authority figure to teens who were only 8 years younger
Only it isn't a parenting situation. She's their father's much younger partner.

... if late 20s and early 40s it's only just over a 10 year age gap. It's going to be 11 years or more, and that's a big age gap.

OP is nearer SD1's age than her DP's age, so the gap will be bigger than 12 years. It will be something like DP is 41+, OP 27-ish and SD1 16.

You aren’t married? Well, you are screwed then.