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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Growing resentment towards MIL since becoming a FTM

146 replies

IREMILPROBLEMS · 10/02/2024 01:44

Some of the major examples:
Told people I was pregnant before I wanted people to know. Denied it, then eventually admitted to telling one person. Never apologised.
Bought excessive amount of clothing, books, toys before baby was born. I held my tongue until she landed at the house with a bag full of teddies, 13 to be precise. I asked for her to keep some down at hers to save me bringing teddies up & down with me, she said no. I then thanked her but said the quantity is a bit much and I'd prefer if she just bought one because other's will want to buy teddies also, her response 'I've waited long enough, I can do what I want'. I was a bit taken back by her response but just said I'm trying to ask nicely here and then I swiftly changed the subject. She still holds a grudge about this almost 8 months later and has told other's I'll be cross with them if they buy the wrong gifts for baby.
Baby arrived, covid restrictions in hospital, no visitors permitted. She kept pushing to visit but I said your not allowed. No one visited from either side but she was annoyed with me over this.
Husband and FIL had a falling out, nothing to do with me. I kept bringing baby down to visit them each week while they never visited our house. The visits were not pleasant as they gave out about my husband and twisted the fall out (hubby was not in the wrong). Baby started making strange with them, this upset MIL so she started saying I was not socialising the baby enough, that I should be bringing a 3 month old to cafes etc. Every visit there were more comments about me needing to bring baby here and there, I would respond by saying I think she gets plenty of socialising and left it at that. Reality was they made little effort with my baby at the start hence the making strange. FIL asked if baby behaves this way with everyone and I mentioned how I was shocked that when my sister flew in and the baby was content with her immediately (she lives overseas) - no meaness meant but my MIL was very angry about that comment and made out I was pitting my family against hers.
We decided to do Christmas just the three of us. I was breastfeeding and MIL said that was why they never visited so i wanted to feel comfortable and start my own traditions. MIL was upset as she wanted the baby down. I said we'd pop in but come Christmas day my husband didn't want to call in. I popped down by myself with small gifts, MIL was very cold but I did not react and wished them well. The next day I brought baby down with me, MIL ignored me and didn't greet us, I said hello to her three times and then eventually asked if she was okay, she mumbled something. I then asked if she wanted me to leave, no response, started to turn round to leave then she said she just wasn't feeling great. She was incredibly rude and frosty to me so I made my excuse and left after 10mins. This behaviour from her really upset me. It wasn't the first time though. I then popped down again later that week and she started giving out about what I had said about my sister and she cried about Christmas day. I told her how bad her behaviour was with me, she apologised but couldn't remember acting that way. I left the house, went for a walk and phoned her to say I wasn't visiting again until her, FIL and hubby worked things out as I was being dragged into it and I was finding the visits were having a negative effect on me.
They all gathered, apologised to eachother and a clean slate was agreed. (No apology to me)
Since then she has made more of an effort to visit the baby but I can't help but feel major resentment and borderline hatred towards her. Every visit she tells the baby not to bother looking at mammy and tells me I need to socialise her more. Most recently, I was telling her a certain place done drive through coffee (ideal when baby is asleep or if its raining) and I treated myself there every fortnight. Her response was she would not think of using it because she would think of my baby and go inside so baby could see people and listen to them talking. I feel like a broken record on this subject - fyi, baby had been sightseeing on the Monday, baby sensory on the Tuesday, library and walk through local town on the Wednesday, visit to MIL on the Thursday and on the Friday MIL pops up and says this to me. I also go for daily 6km walks with the baby plus baby has literally just turned 5 months.
I am near boiling point with snapping over these constant comments and I feel completely drained. I feel like I am unknowingly in a competition with her. Telling my baby not to look at mammy, not to mind mammy etc. Really upsets me and I don't know how to respond while keeping the peace.

Help please.

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 10/02/2024 01:47

Why do you keep visiting her? She sounds horrid and you don’t owe her your time when she’s so rude to you.

Canadadryad000 · 10/02/2024 01:53

Op I hate to say it but you have a dh problem. Why isn’t he having a word with his mum and protecting you from her over the top behaviour? She sounds completely irrational!

You need to have a word with your dh and both of you need to step back from your relationship with your fil and mil by the sound of it.

Is there any chance you could move further away location wise? It doesn’t sound as though she is the sort of woman who can be reasoned with.

Original poster
IREMILPROBLEMS · 10/02/2024 01:56

Hubby has told me not to but I figure that a grandparent and grandchild relationship is important so I try to put my true feelings aside and pretend all is well. I'd like to deal with this as the bigger person but just feeling so drained. MIL falls out with everyone and is constantly giving out about someone, guess it's my turn. I just hate the idea of her telling false stories about me. In my head I am done with her but I need to put on a happy front as they are my hubby's parents after all and live 200m away.

OP posts:
Original poster
IREMILPROBLEMS · 10/02/2024 01:58

Hubby says there's no point she's 70 and will not learn.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 10/02/2024 02:03

Your dh is right. You want a normal, healthy relationship between her and your children, but she's not capable of that and trying to force it isn't helping you, your dh or dc.

Just stop. She sounds toxic, and you can't have a relationship with someone like that.

LovePoppy · 10/02/2024 02:10

IREMILPROBLEMS · 10/02/2024 01:56

Hubby has told me not to but I figure that a grandparent and grandchild relationship is important so I try to put my true feelings aside and pretend all is well. I'd like to deal with this as the bigger person but just feeling so drained. MIL falls out with everyone and is constantly giving out about someone, guess it's my turn. I just hate the idea of her telling false stories about me. In my head I am done with her but I need to put on a happy front as they are my hubby's parents after all and live 200m away.

It’s only important if it’s healthy.

MIL is going to try to turn your child against you.

Snowdropsarecoming · 10/02/2024 02:20

IREMILPROBLEMS · 10/02/2024 01:56

Hubby has told me not to but I figure that a grandparent and grandchild relationship is important so I try to put my true feelings aside and pretend all is well. I'd like to deal with this as the bigger person but just feeling so drained. MIL falls out with everyone and is constantly giving out about someone, guess it's my turn. I just hate the idea of her telling false stories about me. In my head I am done with her but I need to put on a happy front as they are my hubby's parents after all and live 200m away.

Why would you expose your child to this?

FirstTimeMum887 · 10/02/2024 02:21

YABU for putting up with her behaviour for so long and actually going over your DH's head and insisting on a relationship when one just isn't there.

Leave it. Grandparents are really only a good thing when they're nice people. All you're doing is inviting stress, toxic behaviour and toxic dynamics into your life. At some point you must realize it's not just MIL being batshit crazy, but you are also in a way responsible for letting so much of it in. Why go around at Christmas when your own DH wouldn't? Do you enjoy the drama? Want something to complain about? Or do you just have extremely unrealistic expectations of people?

I sound harsh but I actually am saying this from a place of wanting to help - it's just not normal to put up with so much bad behaviour. It's ok to put boundaries in place. It's ok if MIL doesn't like you. You know that right?

DPotter · 10/02/2024 02:35

Following your DH's lead on his - he says don't visit, and I completely agree with him. Look at it this way, your PIL live 200m way from your house and your DH didn't visit them on Christmas day. He can barely have a functioning relationship with them.

Step back, massively and completely, step back. Don't call them to let them know - that will only feed the drama and there's already way too much of that between you.

Your baby deserves healthy relationships with well balanced people so why would you force a relationship between such awful grandparents and your innocent child. You're only in the middle as you've put yourself there - step out

houseydnc · 10/02/2024 02:37

You sound like the strange one. If someone spoke to me like this once I'd snap back immediately and expect an explanation for the weird / rude comment. If they did it again I'd tell them I'm finished with them.
It's really odd that you're allowing all this. Are you a human doormat? She's making it clear she doesn't like you. If she's arsed she'll make the effort and stop being a dick.

Canadadryad000 · 10/02/2024 02:38

Op having read your update the previous poster is right. Why did you not stay with your dh at Christmas and support him? I think you need to behave like a team. Is there some sort of cultural expectation in your family that makes you so determined to visit your mil, even though her drama and nonsense is out of control? Or are they supporting you financially?

I also agree with pp who said she is already turning your dc against you. This may be manageable now but not as your child gets older. You really don’t want to expose your dc to this. You need to put in some firm boundaries now and move house!

Original poster
IREMILPROBLEMS · 10/02/2024 02:58

I agree, I don't like conflict and I like to resolve issues. I am an introvert and choose my friends wisely, i have only ever had to walk away from one past friendship and I see alot of similarities between her and my MIL. Unfortunately you can't choose your inlaws. My reasoning for Christmas was I said I would pop in so I did (literally 2min drop in), and my reasoning for the calling by the next day with dc was because I wanted to be the bigger person and not give mil ammunition. I suppose everything up until Christmas was bearable but since has become unbearable, and I needed to see her true colours. Having dc has really changed the dynamic with mil and I am less willing it sit and be quiet and have a don't care attitude about these constant comments. I think I need to be clear on this the next time and speak up. If mil doesn't like it then a phase out as needed. But what do I say? I want to come across strong and not emotional.

OP posts:
Canadadryad000 · 10/02/2024 03:07

I think people with strong characters like your mil need really assertive handling. They are bullies and drama queens and only respect those who stand up to them unfortunately. It makes it very hard if you are not naturally assertive op. But I would role play some calm direct responses to her.

When she tells your baby not to listen to you, you should step in straight away and say very calmly but clearly, “I find that comment very disrespectful. Do not say it again please or I will take my baby away”.

hellywelly3 · 10/02/2024 04:13

I would distance now before your baby is aware and therefore damaged by her manipulation. It will get worse. You want to be the better person but at what cost?

HungryandIknowit · 10/02/2024 05:05

Sounds like you are a natural people pleaser. Can be a lovely quality for other people but not always healthy for you. Like others said, it's ok if she doesn't like you. No point trying to please someone so rude and unkind.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/02/2024 05:23

HungryandIknowit · 10/02/2024 05:05

Sounds like you are a natural people pleaser. Can be a lovely quality for other people but not always healthy for you. Like others said, it's ok if she doesn't like you. No point trying to please someone so rude and unkind.

If your DH is a nice person who doesn't hold grudges Id follow his lead on this. If his parents live so close and he doesn't even want to pop in for 5 minutes on Christmas day then that says all you need to know about them. Grandparents aren't always a good thing, more family isnt valuable to your DC if those people are toxic like your MIL is. Both of my grandparents were toxic, the others dead, I have chosen not to have any contact with them as an adult and I certainly would have
been better if they hadn't been in my life.

Id go low or no contact, only going when your DH wants to or even just letting him be the one that takes her over when he choses and if that's never I think that's fine. If you're not willing to do that yet work out your boundaries and stick to them. PPs message above I think is a good way to respond, but I'd leave out the please, you need a stronger message with people like this, you're not asking her politely to stop you're telling her her options are to stop or she doesn't see the baby.

Ilovecakey · 10/02/2024 05:37

Wow 70 is really old yo be a first time grandma! I just wouldn't go see her either like others have said

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/02/2024 05:46

Stop being a martyr, the woman is toxic - it’s no good for your child to try to foster a relationship with a toxic person who slags their mother off, whether she’s the grandmother or not! Withdraw, go LC, or better yet, NC - your hubby has the right approach here and it’s his mother not yours.

Meadowfinch · 10/02/2024 05:55

Your dh is right. She won't change. And she has a bad dose of peckingorderitis.

She's doing that weird grandma thing of major attention seeking while pretending the baby is hers, while needing to 'put you in your place'.

Go as low contact as possible, and leave your dh to take the baby to see her very occasionally (if at all). She is not your problem,

Lurkingandlearning · 10/02/2024 06:07

Your husband knows his parents better than you ever will, be guided by him.

Charlie2121 · 10/02/2024 06:09

We had PIL issues that were different to those you’re experiencing but equally as destructive.

DH and I decided it wasn’t worth the effort to continue playing happy families with them all. It was the best decision we ever made.

The freedoms from being away from all the bullshit is great.

HoppingPavlova · 10/02/2024 06:15

Wow 70 is really old yo be a first time grandma! I just wouldn't go see her either like others have said

I would think 70yo is pretty standard? I would think I’d be mid-70’s before my sons have kids, maybe around 70 if daughter has kids as she’d need to do it sooner than the boys. I don’t know anyone who is a grandparent under 70yo!

Fraaahnces · 10/02/2024 06:19

Stop disrespecting yourself by putting yourself in her path. You will teach your baby that it is okay and normal to be bullied. Don’t even explain why you make the choices you do. She will never listen and twist it around anyway. Stop caring what she thinks or the rest of the family will be told. Please yourself and then at least one person is happy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2024 06:37

Canadadryad000 · 10/02/2024 03:07

I think people with strong characters like your mil need really assertive handling. They are bullies and drama queens and only respect those who stand up to them unfortunately. It makes it very hard if you are not naturally assertive op. But I would role play some calm direct responses to her.

When she tells your baby not to listen to you, you should step in straight away and say very calmly but clearly, “I find that comment very disrespectful. Do not say it again please or I will take my baby away”.

This. She needs to hear this or similar every time said to her. I’d give her a warning the first few times, thereafter take the baby away after the first comment. Your mil will either learn or she will not get access to your child.

If there is anything more serious, the best way to handle it completely withdraw until an apology has been made. You can post a note through the letter box explaining your terms.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/02/2024 06:43

Look being the bigger person is all well and good when everyone is generally reasonable. You give them a free pass on an off day and they extend you the same courtesy - all cool.

She isnt going to be reasonable.
You are on a hiding to nothing with your MIL.
She doesnt respect you or give a shit about your or your feelings.
And she knows exactly how hard your first child is it is because she did it herself.

Your baby is socialised JUST FINE.
Your DH is happy to give more space - follow his lead on everything that relates to them.
Let her spout whatever nonsense she likes about you /the baby / herself.
Say very little when you see her - and dont tell her your plans, only discuss beige things.. (weather, local newqrs stories, how is she etc)
You need to draw a line in the samd as its the only language she will understand.