Growing resentment towards MIL since becoming a FTM

[IREMILPROBLEMS]

Some of the major examples:
Told people I was pregnant before I wanted people to know. Denied it, then eventually admitted to telling one person. Never apologised.
Bought excessive amount of clothing, books, toys before baby was born. I held my tongue until she landed at the house with a bag full of teddies, 13 to be precise. I asked for her to keep some down at hers to save me bringing teddies up & down with me, she said no. I then thanked her but said the quantity is a bit much and I'd prefer if she just bought one because other's will want to buy teddies also, her response 'I've waited long enough, I can do what I want'. I was a bit taken back by her response but just said I'm trying to ask nicely here and then I swiftly changed the subject. She still holds a grudge about this almost 8 months later and has told other's I'll be cross with them if they buy the wrong gifts for baby.
Baby arrived, covid restrictions in hospital, no visitors permitted. She kept pushing to visit but I said your not allowed. No one visited from either side but she was annoyed with me over this.
Husband and FIL had a falling out, nothing to do with me. I kept bringing baby down to visit them each week while they never visited our house. The visits were not pleasant as they gave out about my husband and twisted the fall out (hubby was not in the wrong). Baby started making strange with them, this upset MIL so she started saying I was not socialising the baby enough, that I should be bringing a 3 month old to cafes etc. Every visit there were more comments about me needing to bring baby here and there, I would respond by saying I think she gets plenty of socialising and left it at that. Reality was they made little effort with my baby at the start hence the making strange. FIL asked if baby behaves this way with everyone and I mentioned how I was shocked that when my sister flew in and the baby was content with her immediately (she lives overseas) - no meaness meant but my MIL was very angry about that comment and made out I was pitting my family against hers.
We decided to do Christmas just the three of us. I was breastfeeding and MIL said that was why they never visited so i wanted to feel comfortable and start my own traditions. MIL was upset as she wanted the baby down. I said we'd pop in but come Christmas day my husband didn't want to call in. I popped down by myself with small gifts, MIL was very cold but I did not react and wished them well. The next day I brought baby down with me, MIL ignored me and didn't greet us, I said hello to her three times and then eventually asked if she was okay, she mumbled something. I then asked if she wanted me to leave, no response, started to turn round to leave then she said she just wasn't feeling great. She was incredibly rude and frosty to me so I made my excuse and left after 10mins. This behaviour from her really upset me. It wasn't the first time though. I then popped down again later that week and she started giving out about what I had said about my sister and she cried about Christmas day. I told her how bad her behaviour was with me, she apologised but couldn't remember acting that way. I left the house, went for a walk and phoned her to say I wasn't visiting again until her, FIL and hubby worked things out as I was being dragged into it and I was finding the visits were having a negative effect on me.
They all gathered, apologised to eachother and a clean slate was agreed. (No apology to me)
Since then she has made more of an effort to visit the baby but I can't help but feel major resentment and borderline hatred towards her. Every visit she tells the baby not to bother looking at mammy and tells me I need to socialise her more. Most recently, I was telling her a certain place done drive through coffee (ideal when baby is asleep or if its raining) and I treated myself there every fortnight. Her response was she would not think of using it because she would think of my baby and go inside so baby could see people and listen to them talking. I feel like a broken record on this subject - fyi, baby had been sightseeing on the Monday, baby sensory on the Tuesday, library and walk through local town on the Wednesday, visit to MIL on the Thursday and on the Friday MIL pops up and says this to me. I also go for daily 6km walks with the baby plus baby has literally just turned 5 months.
I am near boiling point with snapping over these constant comments and I feel completely drained. I feel like I am unknowingly in a competition with her. Telling my baby not to look at mammy, not to mind mammy etc. Really upsets me and I don't know how to respond while keeping the peace.

Help please.

And if you can’t think of anything nice to write about her or cannot imagine what she could possibly say about you that is negative, then head towards cutting her off.

You need to stop running after her when she treats you so badly.

In an ideal world children would have a good relationship with grandparents but what kind of relationship do you think your child will have with MIL? She’s almost certainly going to badmouth you and try and use your child to piss you off yet you still keep on going back for more bad treatment for her.

I don’t understand why you keep on going back when your husband is right and she is who she is and she will always treat you badly? I assume it’s either bad self esteem (you think that kill her with kindness will work) or this is really about your relationship with your grandparents and you are trying to create a good relationship when it’s clearly not going to happen. If you willingly offer yourself as a doormat, of course she’s going to wipe her muddy feet on you. Be smart and protect your child from this toxicity and inevitable future heartbreak.

If you can’t face no contact or very low contact then the least that you should consider is moving very far away.
Remember that’s there’s a good reason why so many people have fallen out with her. Don’t offer your child as a pawn in her bad behaviour.
It doesn’t matter if she says bad things about you. She probably says bad things about everyone and you should be deeply suspicious if she’s ever complimentary.

The thing to really grasp here- your husband doesn't value the relationship with his parents, and doesn't really see the importance of relationship between his child and them.
Rightly or wrongly, you can decide.
But it has fallen on you to make the relationship between your child and them, it is a choice.

You don't need to continue to do this.

If you do, I'd probably say, listen I don't need to be here, I don't need to facilitate a relationship between you and your granddaughter. I really would like you to stop second guessing everything we discuss in terms of my parenting...because this relationship is another of the choices I make. Your son doesn't make these visits to you, I do, so think of that whilst you're not being kind to me.

I think if they can't be nice they don't deserve your time or efforts

I cannot get my head round why you keep putting yourself through this despite dh telling you not to. Bonkers. Just stop visiting.

Thank you all for the responses. I think I have a good balanced view on how to approach things moving forward. I was worried that I might be being oversensitive about her comments. I've tried to see things from her perspective and I strongly believe she's upset I haven't needed her support post birth (she's minded children all her life and maybe had ideas about being more involved) and her comments are designed to take me down a notch. She's offered to look after dc but nothing is for free with her so I've always pushed back because I dont want to owe her a thing. I do believe she's struggling with understanding her new role as a granny and I have failed in establishing strong boundaries from the get go. My approach of letting comments go over me has been wrong and I should have had zero tolerance for them. I never even thought that I am perhaps going above and beyond in many ways, it's true most DIL do not visit without DH. Moving homes is not an option and cutting them out is not an option but going low contact is 100% the way to go, I have enabled her behaviour and that behaviour will continue as long as she gets what she wants so moving forward it's DH responsibility to visit with child, she's been on a need to know basis with me since announcing my pregnancy news so that will continue, if and when she visits our home, I will welcome her, be pleasant but won't take any bs - comments designed to hurt me will be shot down immediately.

The 200m thing isn't an issue in my mind. It means you are close by if she decides to visit, but you don't ever have to call to her house. Ever.

It's not like you're 100miles away and the distance is too far for her to travel. So the only way she can ever see her GC is if you visit. You go seeking out her company far too often.

Also.. learn how to lie!

Her: You should take DC to a coffee shop
You: I did. Yesterday. She loved it.

By the way, 5 month olds don't need to socialise in coffee shops!

Get a ring doorbell and really effective blockout blinds. Make sure she doesn’t have keys.

OP your starting point is absolutely sound (GPs and GC relationship important etc) but, as you say, you can’t pick your in laws. Perhaps it’s time to reframe the thought process…

Is it an important relationship at any cost? Is it important for your toddler (they don’t stay tiny babies for long!) to be spending time with someone who undermines you, doesn’t respect your rules or parenting choices, stresses you out and is generally unkind? Is that an important thing for them to learn? Is it important for them to pick up on this stress or see adults argue?

Of course from time to time all children are exposed to better/worse dynamics (and people), but it seems you’re going out of your way to put yourself and your baby in a toxic situation because you have always felt it should be a loving and important relationship. But that kind of relationship is clearly not possible with your MIL, so all you’re going to teach your child is that it’s ok for adults to behave this way.

I would seriously rethink your mindset here and prioritise protecting yourself and your child from your MiL’s emotional harm. Once your baby is older she sounds the type to really lay on the emotional manipulation (mummy doesn’t know this, don’t listen to her etc) and it will be 10x harder to deal with.

Also I think you have to take your lead a bit from your DH here. If he falls out with his parents, unless he has been massively unreasonable, shouldn’t you have his back a bit?

My DCs dad isn’t in contact with his parents for very good reason. I always supported the GP/GC relationship before they fell out, but when they treated him badly I stopped. My feeling was that if you treat your own child horribly, and fail to repair things, then missing out on your GC is the price you will inevitably pay. If it’s not a good enough incentive to sort things out then tough. And also I didn’t want my DC to be in proximity to that level of toxicity, as it isn’t possible to predict exactly when or how it’ll rear its head, so even if it was not directed at her openly or immediately there’s always a risk. It also shows their values are quite different from mine and I didn’t want my DC learning theirs!

Im sorry you don’t have the wider family you want, but focus on yourself and your baby and your DH. If your DH insists you see MIL alone then you have a DH problem. Otherwise you should both be there and he should have your back just as you have his. Good luck

You have tried your best. Let them be and let your husband be in charge of their relationship with the baby

I became a grandmother at 48, I didn’t feel ready at the time but love my granddaughters now. Well I always did but I couldn’t get my head around being the grandmother!

If you don't start standing up for yourself this is going to build and end up with you telling her to fuck right off.

Just tell her to stop! There is literally no reason why you need to put up with her shit!

It sounds like her son doesn't so why are you?

I would do what your husband said and stay away from your mil. You have tried hard to get along with her and called over with your child. No matter what you do or say she will find fault. She is nasty to you. She then gossips to other people about you.
She has a history of gossiping and has fallen out with people over this.

One of my friends has a mil similar to yours. My friend made the effort with her. One day she heard her mil bad mouth her on phone after mil thought she had hung up. My friend told her husband what she heard. Her husband went to mil house & told mil that she was no longer welcome in his home and why. A few years later mil had health issues and my friend told sil that she was to busy to help her.

At this stage I would no longer call to mil. She has made it clear what she thinks of you. You don't deserve the abuse she is giving you and it won't get better on her part. She has no one but herself to blame if she has no relationship with her son, you or her GC.

Gosh she sounds awful. Why are you making so much effort with her. She should be grateful you visit so much even without your husband after they fell out. Also her comments about socialising the baby are ridiculous. Sounds like you're doing a great job with the baby. Wonder where this all stems from.

Best advice my emdr therapist told me ...grey rock . I'd someone is being passive aggressive or confrontational just use one word "ok". You can say the word in any tone you feel like but only answer everything they say with OK. The y soon see you won't bite and give up x

You don't need to keep the peace. Just stop seeing her

You're giving her way too much head space and time. Pull back & concentrate on your family

Sorry to say she won’t change and being the bigger person is obviously stressing you out so stop.
She will either realise that she needs to change her attitude and things will improve or she won’t.
My ex mil didn’t change regardless of how much I tried and neither of my children wanted to continue any relationship with her once their father and I separated.
It’s sad that people are like this but it’s their loss

Wow. The worse thing happening to young people is they don't know how to NOT be "always available" and "always contactable". Set your own boundaries. If you want to see MIL once a week, once a month or never, make that clear. If MIL is a problem, but you want to maintain contact or contact with grandchild - then set aside "Granny" time. Give praise when she does something good. If she does more bad than good, limit time spent with her. But you can't give one version of an ongoing argument and think people will take it as 100% true. Because no one reading your version will have a clue as to why you keep visiting MIL, even when DH falls out with his parents.

Your husband is right I'm afraid. Stop chasing after the perfect relationship, it doesn't exist and never will. Distance yourself and concentrate on your husband and daughter, you'll feel better for it

This.
I hope you have better boundaries in other relationships

I agree she sounds awful. Weak characters like this need to employ thee tactics to try to gain an element of control. I work with a woman very much like this, and she thinks she a "strong character ". Staggering when the have to put in so much effort and not get the results they're after.

@Ilovecakey

Wow 70 is really old yo be a first time grandma!

it really isn’t , a lot of people are in their 70’s when they become grandparents, especially professionals

If a 35yo woman had a child then that child also had a baby at 35+ it would mean that the woman would be in her 70s by the time she was a grandparent,

Cut contact, she’s toxic. Imagine her babysitting your child for a day when they are older, honestly how does it make you feel? She is a horrid old nark. Be the great mum that you are and keep your child away from her.

You don’t need to say anything really, just keep your distance. If you want to visit once in a great while, do. The minute mil behaves rudely, say your goodbyes. If mil stops by, let her. The minute she starts with the nonsense, take baby and tell mil you have an appointment. It’s pointless to have a conversation with an irrational person. Like your husband said, she’s not going to change. You sound like a lovely person. Don’t let mil change you. Enjoy your baby!