Growing resentment towards MIL since becoming a FTM

[IREMILPROBLEMS]

Some of the major examples:
Told people I was pregnant before I wanted people to know. Denied it, then eventually admitted to telling one person. Never apologised.
Bought excessive amount of clothing, books, toys before baby was born. I held my tongue until she landed at the house with a bag full of teddies, 13 to be precise. I asked for her to keep some down at hers to save me bringing teddies up & down with me, she said no. I then thanked her but said the quantity is a bit much and I'd prefer if she just bought one because other's will want to buy teddies also, her response 'I've waited long enough, I can do what I want'. I was a bit taken back by her response but just said I'm trying to ask nicely here and then I swiftly changed the subject. She still holds a grudge about this almost 8 months later and has told other's I'll be cross with them if they buy the wrong gifts for baby.
Baby arrived, covid restrictions in hospital, no visitors permitted. She kept pushing to visit but I said your not allowed. No one visited from either side but she was annoyed with me over this.
Husband and FIL had a falling out, nothing to do with me. I kept bringing baby down to visit them each week while they never visited our house. The visits were not pleasant as they gave out about my husband and twisted the fall out (hubby was not in the wrong). Baby started making strange with them, this upset MIL so she started saying I was not socialising the baby enough, that I should be bringing a 3 month old to cafes etc. Every visit there were more comments about me needing to bring baby here and there, I would respond by saying I think she gets plenty of socialising and left it at that. Reality was they made little effort with my baby at the start hence the making strange. FIL asked if baby behaves this way with everyone and I mentioned how I was shocked that when my sister flew in and the baby was content with her immediately (she lives overseas) - no meaness meant but my MIL was very angry about that comment and made out I was pitting my family against hers.
We decided to do Christmas just the three of us. I was breastfeeding and MIL said that was why they never visited so i wanted to feel comfortable and start my own traditions. MIL was upset as she wanted the baby down. I said we'd pop in but come Christmas day my husband didn't want to call in. I popped down by myself with small gifts, MIL was very cold but I did not react and wished them well. The next day I brought baby down with me, MIL ignored me and didn't greet us, I said hello to her three times and then eventually asked if she was okay, she mumbled something. I then asked if she wanted me to leave, no response, started to turn round to leave then she said she just wasn't feeling great. She was incredibly rude and frosty to me so I made my excuse and left after 10mins. This behaviour from her really upset me. It wasn't the first time though. I then popped down again later that week and she started giving out about what I had said about my sister and she cried about Christmas day. I told her how bad her behaviour was with me, she apologised but couldn't remember acting that way. I left the house, went for a walk and phoned her to say I wasn't visiting again until her, FIL and hubby worked things out as I was being dragged into it and I was finding the visits were having a negative effect on me.
They all gathered, apologised to eachother and a clean slate was agreed. (No apology to me)
Since then she has made more of an effort to visit the baby but I can't help but feel major resentment and borderline hatred towards her. Every visit she tells the baby not to bother looking at mammy and tells me I need to socialise her more. Most recently, I was telling her a certain place done drive through coffee (ideal when baby is asleep or if its raining) and I treated myself there every fortnight. Her response was she would not think of using it because she would think of my baby and go inside so baby could see people and listen to them talking. I feel like a broken record on this subject - fyi, baby had been sightseeing on the Monday, baby sensory on the Tuesday, library and walk through local town on the Wednesday, visit to MIL on the Thursday and on the Friday MIL pops up and says this to me. I also go for daily 6km walks with the baby plus baby has literally just turned 5 months.
I am near boiling point with snapping over these constant comments and I feel completely drained. I feel like I am unknowingly in a competition with her. Telling my baby not to look at mammy, not to mind mammy etc. Really upsets me and I don't know how to respond while keeping the peace.

Help please.

Stop bothering. Seriously.

what?? if you and you child both had your children at the totally reasonable age of 35 you'd be 70 when you became a grandmother....

His parents, his problem. You facilitate a relationship with your family, he's in charge of his.

If she asks to pop round 'oh sorry, I have plans. Dh is around at 1pm on Saturday if you want to call in then'
If she just turns up, pull the curtains round, lock the door and gate, and sit in the back.

Analogy- you are complaining about being beaten but are going to her house and handing her a stick.

Stop seeing her, stop telling her things! It's very simple.

She's toxic and won't change. All you need to do is step back. (And then some.)

You need to take a huge step backwards.

Stop visiting them so often, cut the contact right back. If DH can be bothered to visit them then great, but you can do the bare minimum. After all, you are so busy running around the county trying to socialise your poor baby 😉

You have to stop giving a shit what she thinks or whether she’s upset. She doesn’t care if she upsets you.

And if that doesn’t work, move far far away.

Only see them if dh is with you.

Refuse enormous gifts.

Respond to unwanted parenting advice by saying you’re happy with what you’ve decided for your dc.

Find friends and hang out with them.

Thank you!
I thought it was a baby version of Breaking Bad! 😁

That is amazing

It's so tiresome reading posts this.
Stop going . Stop trying to make your child part of this toxicness.
This is about your desperate need for approval from her . Work on yourself and find out why you need such toxicity in your life whilst using your child as an excuse .

By keep returning and allowing your MIL to talk to you in this manner, you are teaching your child that it is OK to be a doormat. I agree that it is good for children to have a relationship with their grandparents but at the expense of you, your DH and in the long term your child.

If you really wish to keep seeing her, rather than inviting her to you/you go to her, could you meet her else where? That way the visit time is limited and she will get to see GC in social situations, with other distractions to dilute the awkwardness.

As for gifts, accept them, say thank you and do whatever you please with them. Donate them to a hospital etc.

Hi OP
I think you are in a hard situation. People saying just stop seeing her aren't seeing the nuances of what I'm assuming is a small town.
Your inlaws live 200m away and of course you would like a decent relationship with them. You'll probably have to see them out and about. You also don't need her telling her friends that you won't let her see the baby. She is not suddenly going to become self reflective and admit that this is a situation of her own making. I can just imagine the 'but all I did was buy the baby a few teddies' line being thrashed about, while all of the other oldies in town agree that you have totally lost it and are making life hard for your poor MIL.

I think you've been handling the situation fairly well and could try and put some of the responses listed above to use. Only you know if they are realistic in the context of your communication style. If you can't see this happening then take it in turns with your husband to pop in once a week. This way she can't say you're keeping the baby away from her. And just keep the refrain 'granny is a bitch' in your head and do your best to let all the comments roll off you!

You sound absolutely lovely and so kind to keep trying with your PIL. My MIL was the same ( dead now) , just couldn’t please her. I am a Nana now and can tell you that her behaviour is completely wrong and the comments she makes to you are out of order.
If you really want to keep this going I would meet her for coffee ( without baby) and have a proper woman to woman chat-make it clear that this behaviour has to stop.

My MIL was exactly like this OP. She's dead now.

I cut back hugely on visits and only ever with DH (she lived several hours away mercifully so it was easier for us to avoid her).

She's a drama queen and an attention seeker. Don't give her the supply she craves. If she's desperate for the child to go to a café maybe send DH to do that with her occasionally and stop your visits and stop pandering to her. Follow DH's lead and direct any complaints to him. I would be far less involved with my in laws in terms of conflict resolution, visiting alone etc.

My grandmother was like this and my mother did all the things you're doing for decades. I had a nice relationship with my grandmother (though undeniably she manipulated us too, and often criticised our mother to us) but years on my mother regrets all the effort she put in because she got nothing but abuse over the years and there was no thanks, ever.

Irish mammies, wha!

I literally cannot understand why?! You would continue to engage these people. Just stop!

YABU purely because you enabled this. Your DH did not want to visit them at Christmas yet you still did. Why?! They are awful people and you keep visiting them, yet then moan about them? Stop seeing them. They are not nice people to be around. Why would you expose your DC to these toxic people just because you feel grandparents should be automatically involved? Better to have no relationship with toxic grandparents.

Stop being a people pleaser and a doormat. Your DC will not thank you when they are older for exposing them to these toxic people.

Your husband's right. Simply don't visit, don't contact. If she asks, tell her frankly why. She might pull herself up, she might not, but all you are doing is upsetting yourself and the baby, who will pick up on the tension and aggro.

Just cut loose from it. You're bringing it on yourself to a large extent by insisting on seeing the MiL. What you say about having a relationship with grandparents is all fine if they are reasonable people. She doesn't sound as though she is. You can't "cure" her, she has to do that herself.

Edited for typo

Ah! Fairly new to MN - FTM, first time mother, NOT Female to Male transitioner. I was quite puzzled for a bit.

@IREMILPROBLEMS

Its nigh on impossible to have a normal relationship with anyone who is toxic like your mother in law,

Don't be a matyr or naive about your situation,

It will allways be a superficial facade of niceness on her terms when it suits her own adgender,

I would look elsewhere for support more, in other ways with other people instead,
with your family other family members on your husband's family friends ect

If you keep in touch with mother in law have robust boundaries in place and go minimum as you prefer as possible type of contact with her too..

You’re not being ‘the bigger person’ you’re being a doormat.

You’re not ‘fostering a good grandparent/ grandchild relationship’ you’re exposing your child to a nasty toxic person. She will either alienate your child away from you (bribes of toys/sweets) or start being nasty to your child if child doesn’t comply with what she wants.

If this was a post written by a woman about how her DH keeps taking her children around her toxic parents despite her protests everyone would be calling for his head. You really need to stop. You need to realise your family unit is with your DH and not about winning your MIL’s approval (which you will never get). You are not a therapist, you cannot fix what is most likely decades of toxicity. Leave him to manage his parents, if he doesn’t want to see his parents over Christmas respect that. You are enabling them. And as someone who has toxic grandparents and family members for the love of God stop dragging your children around people who are toxic. You clearly have no idea how damaging it is to be forced to spend time with people who speak badly about your parents and try to poison them against you. It’s a guaranteed ticket to the therapists office. Focus on being a good wife to your DH by actually standing by him and supporting him and drop the rope with your in laws. They are unkind to you and your husband, your daughter is gaining nothing from you dragging her there and your husband doesn’t want it. His relationship with his parents is his to handle - you’re putting a completely self inflicted strain on your marriage for no reason. Leave them to it and if they bitch about you who cares. They will have nasty things to say regardless.

Grandparents can be a beneficial and positive part of a child's life

Or not.

These come under the Or Not heading.

Stop it. Your DH clearly sees them for what they are.

You are taking your child into a toxic environment

Stop it

Why on earth are you encouraging the OP to continue to be a doormat to a woman who is using her for wiping her shoes?

Seriously, what's the point? She's vile

OP your child’s family is you and your husband, those are the most important relationships & you need to understand and value that.
For some reason you are acting like you aren’t good enough or competent enough. Why? This insecurity is pushing towards your in-laws & the desire for your child to have a close bond with Grandparents who frankly aren’t very nice people. They undermine their Son and are persistently rude to you.
Take a step back & dont visit them . Think about going to counselling and build on improving your self esteem.
You sound like a kind person. You are enough for your child and H you just need the confidence to believe in yourself x
Your child needs love not toxic deaf grandparents

Stop attempting to fix a relationship that isn't there.

This woman clearly doesn't give a rats arse about you. You are merely the conduit to a relationship with the offspring of her wonderful marvellous womb fruit.
Stop trying so hard with a woman who clearly has no interest in you, who you are, or what you have to say. All she's doing is making you stressed and miserable.
Pass all future grandparent-child interactions over to your DH, and bow out.

I know it’s hard, but I would urge you to do this task.

Sit down and write a letter to your kids about why their grandmother is the best grandmother they could ask for. Really sit and think about all the good things she has done for them and for you.

Then when you are finished, force yourself FORCE yourself to write down what you think your mother in law would write on mumsnet about you.

Trust me. I’ve got a broken family because of an eerily similar situation. My family (me and my parents) have “lost” my brother and his partner/ kids. It could have been avoided.