Growing resentment towards MIL since becoming a FTM

[IREMILPROBLEMS]

Some of the major examples:
Told people I was pregnant before I wanted people to know. Denied it, then eventually admitted to telling one person. Never apologised.
Bought excessive amount of clothing, books, toys before baby was born. I held my tongue until she landed at the house with a bag full of teddies, 13 to be precise. I asked for her to keep some down at hers to save me bringing teddies up & down with me, she said no. I then thanked her but said the quantity is a bit much and I'd prefer if she just bought one because other's will want to buy teddies also, her response 'I've waited long enough, I can do what I want'. I was a bit taken back by her response but just said I'm trying to ask nicely here and then I swiftly changed the subject. She still holds a grudge about this almost 8 months later and has told other's I'll be cross with them if they buy the wrong gifts for baby.
Baby arrived, covid restrictions in hospital, no visitors permitted. She kept pushing to visit but I said your not allowed. No one visited from either side but she was annoyed with me over this.
Husband and FIL had a falling out, nothing to do with me. I kept bringing baby down to visit them each week while they never visited our house. The visits were not pleasant as they gave out about my husband and twisted the fall out (hubby was not in the wrong). Baby started making strange with them, this upset MIL so she started saying I was not socialising the baby enough, that I should be bringing a 3 month old to cafes etc. Every visit there were more comments about me needing to bring baby here and there, I would respond by saying I think she gets plenty of socialising and left it at that. Reality was they made little effort with my baby at the start hence the making strange. FIL asked if baby behaves this way with everyone and I mentioned how I was shocked that when my sister flew in and the baby was content with her immediately (she lives overseas) - no meaness meant but my MIL was very angry about that comment and made out I was pitting my family against hers.
We decided to do Christmas just the three of us. I was breastfeeding and MIL said that was why they never visited so i wanted to feel comfortable and start my own traditions. MIL was upset as she wanted the baby down. I said we'd pop in but come Christmas day my husband didn't want to call in. I popped down by myself with small gifts, MIL was very cold but I did not react and wished them well. The next day I brought baby down with me, MIL ignored me and didn't greet us, I said hello to her three times and then eventually asked if she was okay, she mumbled something. I then asked if she wanted me to leave, no response, started to turn round to leave then she said she just wasn't feeling great. She was incredibly rude and frosty to me so I made my excuse and left after 10mins. This behaviour from her really upset me. It wasn't the first time though. I then popped down again later that week and she started giving out about what I had said about my sister and she cried about Christmas day. I told her how bad her behaviour was with me, she apologised but couldn't remember acting that way. I left the house, went for a walk and phoned her to say I wasn't visiting again until her, FIL and hubby worked things out as I was being dragged into it and I was finding the visits were having a negative effect on me.
They all gathered, apologised to eachother and a clean slate was agreed. (No apology to me)
Since then she has made more of an effort to visit the baby but I can't help but feel major resentment and borderline hatred towards her. Every visit she tells the baby not to bother looking at mammy and tells me I need to socialise her more. Most recently, I was telling her a certain place done drive through coffee (ideal when baby is asleep or if its raining) and I treated myself there every fortnight. Her response was she would not think of using it because she would think of my baby and go inside so baby could see people and listen to them talking. I feel like a broken record on this subject - fyi, baby had been sightseeing on the Monday, baby sensory on the Tuesday, library and walk through local town on the Wednesday, visit to MIL on the Thursday and on the Friday MIL pops up and says this to me. I also go for daily 6km walks with the baby plus baby has literally just turned 5 months.
I am near boiling point with snapping over these constant comments and I feel completely drained. I feel like I am unknowingly in a competition with her. Telling my baby not to look at mammy, not to mind mammy etc. Really upsets me and I don't know how to respond while keeping the peace.

Help please.

Do you actually read or did you see a man in the post and automatically jump to him being the problem?

You don't have a DH problem. He tried to put boundaries in place by refusing to be treated badly. You are the one who (mistakenly) believed you could have a nice relationship with these people. Even when MIL was being rude and unpleasant you decided you knew best and forced your DH back into a situation. I'm not sure how long you know these people, but he's known them forever. He has history with them. So he knows the best way for him to deal with their behaviour.

A relationship with grandparents is not important if the grandparents are not nice people. And hoping they become nice grandparents won't make it so. You are rewarding their bad behaviour continuing to put yourself and your child in their company. You are enabling them to treat you all badly.

Stop.

You don't have to compensate for the fact they are unpleasant people. A relationship with your child is a privilege, not an automatic right. It needs to be earned by being a positive relationship. If it's not s positive relationship then it shouldn't exist. You have choices. You and your DH are a family unit now. You can't expect him to support you and stand up for you when you are going against his choices and dismissing his feelings. Your baby doesn't need a close relationship with these people. Once she has good people surrounding her it doesn't matter whether they are blood relatives or not.

DH says don't visit so don't visit. Step back.

Stop trying to be a martyr and stop the visits and calls and “popping in”. I would be furious with you if I were your husband. It’s his family and he doesn’t want you to keep doing this - follow his lead!

who is she going to bad mouth you to? she falls out with everyone so anyone still in contact with her, knows her type! protect your child from someone who is nasty to you

Absolutely this. His family are arseholes and he's tried to distance himself and you've totally ignored his boundaries.

who is she going to bad mouth you to? she falls out with everyone so anyone still in contact with her, knows her type! protect your child from someone who is nasty to you and btw 'making strange' is a developmental norm and i love to see babies go through that stage!

I voted that you were being unreasonable because it's YOU who is allowing this to happen and YOU who could easily stop it from happening. Your MIL is a crap human being, that's true, but it's your own damn fault for hanging around her so much.

You are NOT being unreasonable for not wanting to tolerate your MIL's behaviour.

You are ABSOLUTELY being unreasonable for continually enabling your MIL's behaviour and trying to manipulate the relationship your DH has chosen to have with them.

Just to add to this - fil and dh fell out. I spoke to him about continuing to bring baby down and he agreed for me to do it as he hadn't fallen out with mil. The fall out was fairly minor would have resolved itself in a matter of days but mil blew it up and dragged people in., at this stage I threatened to stop visiting and the issues got resolved that evening. I decided from christmas I was just going to be civil, no detail from me during visits just me listening and giving no opinions but as these visits go on and the more I listen, I realise how negative she is towards me and others. Dh actually thought I was over the top about the teddies, said I should have just taken the bag and drop it off at a charity shop but I knew it was the start off it unless I said something. His attitude is just let her at it, ignore her or call her out myself. I think he is so use to tolerating the behaviour that his threshold is quite high. I agree with everyone saying that I should leave it to dh to pop down to them with dc

I have never, not once, ever visited my in-laws on my own with our children. My eldest is 18. Ok, they live an hour drive away but I still don't see it as my responsibility to bring their grandchildren to them. My DH has never visited my parents alone, 20 minutes drive away.
It is unnecessary. If your ILs want a relationship with your child let them work for it.

I also agree re the teddies. I'd have just taken them and passed them on.

My MIL is also rather unkind to me, and we still feel it's right to have contact with her. You're being gracious in the face of your MIL'd criticisms.

Maybe you could meet her for a social activity like Rhymetime at the library, or similar? Then she'll have less opportunity to chat to you and be so rude, but will still get baby time.

Or even a toddler group where you'll get to chat to other mums while she can be play the doting grandmother. And if she's unkind the other mums will be sympathetic... unless of course she behaves herself in front of them, which would be even better!

Definitely go low contact. Don't keep making the effort and leave her to do any chasing. You take your baby out plenty of times in a week, and if she complains you haven't been round you can always say you were busy fillowing her advice and socialising your baby.

If you do visit at all, as soon as she says something unpleasant tell her to stop. If she says something again tell her if she is going to continue being critical or impolite you will be leaving. If she carries on tell her you told her you wouldn't stay if she couldn't be polite and just go.

Let her chase you for contact, and don't be afraid to say you need a bit of time to get past her disrespect on your previous visit to extend the gaps. If you agree to visit or meet her prewarn her that you will only stay for as long as she is polite and you feel comfortable, as a negative, critical atmosphere isn't good for baby.

You will either end up forcing her to be polite or contact will dwindle to nothing. Either way you win.

Even if you can get a working relationship with her I wouldn't want her spending time alone with her gc, as you couldn't trust her not to be unpleasant about you to your child.

Given that the average age to be a first time mother is about 30 these days I consider being in your 40s and 50s as being very young to be a grandparent. I'm 65 and most people I went to school with didn't become grandparents until their 60s.

Where I live there aren't many women who start their families in their 20s.

I don't think being a first time grandparent at 70 very old at all.

You and your husband are a team. Stick together. Stop visiting mil.

She sounds like an absolute horror. Honestly OP you’re setting yourself up to fail. You know exactly what she’s like and who she is and yet you keep going there (against your husbands wishes, for want of a better word) often multiple times a week! Get a grip and just stop, there’s no need to have her upsetting you.

Sounds like you've married in to a difficult family, hope DH has escaped those traits.

Doing Christmas alone would have come accross as odd in my culture and would have been hurtful to my in-laws. But if it seemed natural for you and DH...

He's pprobably secretly thrilled to have someone stand up to his mum for him!

Reading your last post again, it does sound like she is depressed. Not sure whether this changes any perspective but if your dh cares about her he could suggest kindly, she see her GP.
There seems to be a lack of kindness in the family.

Just stop. You and DH and baby are a family unit and you need to have DHs back on this. You're potentially dragging the child into a difficult relationship instead if standing by H who has years more experience if them than you. Nobody is, or will, thank you for trying to be the bigger person. Kindly, you arent being the bigger person, you're putting your in laws first to people please.

Baby will not benefit from a relationship with people like this. The older your child gets the worse it will be and harder to unpick.

She’s a narcissist. You can’t reason with her. You’ve tried your best but she’s not making it easy for you. What a cnut she is.

Id take a step back until she can start behaving like a normal person.

It's an Irish phrase for a baby acting up - OP means the baby cries and is cranky for MIL.

Nothing good is coming from the current arrangements.

Let your husband deal with his family. It's up to him to visit with the baby. If he doesn't, that's between them and him.

Yanbu

DH ibu for moving into a house 200m from parents he doesn’t particularly like. It’s fine to say ‘ah yes mums a twat, she always been, isn’t going to change, just don’t go round’ but you are in such close proximity it’s quite hard to be low contact. Can you move? About 10 miles is a perfect LC distance, a couple of quick cuppas a year without having to stay too long, but unlikely to randomly see and bump into each other.

Just stop.

Let your DH take the lead on his relationship with his family. There's obviously a good reason they're not close and you're seeing it in action!

My grandmother, mother and I all had first babies between the ages of 22-25 so in my family 70 would be old to become a first time grandmother. When I had my son my mum was 48ish and my grandma was actually around 70. I don't think it's shocking either way though, different families have different norms.

Op I would just take a step back and go with what your husband wants to do. It's his family and you've been good to visit them without him there, mil should have been more grateful for you popping in so she could see her grandchild. If she hasn't at least thanked you for that when her own son wouldn't come I'd not do it again.