Growing resentment towards MIL since becoming a FTM

[IREMILPROBLEMS]

Some of the major examples:
Told people I was pregnant before I wanted people to know. Denied it, then eventually admitted to telling one person. Never apologised.
Bought excessive amount of clothing, books, toys before baby was born. I held my tongue until she landed at the house with a bag full of teddies, 13 to be precise. I asked for her to keep some down at hers to save me bringing teddies up & down with me, she said no. I then thanked her but said the quantity is a bit much and I'd prefer if she just bought one because other's will want to buy teddies also, her response 'I've waited long enough, I can do what I want'. I was a bit taken back by her response but just said I'm trying to ask nicely here and then I swiftly changed the subject. She still holds a grudge about this almost 8 months later and has told other's I'll be cross with them if they buy the wrong gifts for baby.
Baby arrived, covid restrictions in hospital, no visitors permitted. She kept pushing to visit but I said your not allowed. No one visited from either side but she was annoyed with me over this.
Husband and FIL had a falling out, nothing to do with me. I kept bringing baby down to visit them each week while they never visited our house. The visits were not pleasant as they gave out about my husband and twisted the fall out (hubby was not in the wrong). Baby started making strange with them, this upset MIL so she started saying I was not socialising the baby enough, that I should be bringing a 3 month old to cafes etc. Every visit there were more comments about me needing to bring baby here and there, I would respond by saying I think she gets plenty of socialising and left it at that. Reality was they made little effort with my baby at the start hence the making strange. FIL asked if baby behaves this way with everyone and I mentioned how I was shocked that when my sister flew in and the baby was content with her immediately (she lives overseas) - no meaness meant but my MIL was very angry about that comment and made out I was pitting my family against hers.
We decided to do Christmas just the three of us. I was breastfeeding and MIL said that was why they never visited so i wanted to feel comfortable and start my own traditions. MIL was upset as she wanted the baby down. I said we'd pop in but come Christmas day my husband didn't want to call in. I popped down by myself with small gifts, MIL was very cold but I did not react and wished them well. The next day I brought baby down with me, MIL ignored me and didn't greet us, I said hello to her three times and then eventually asked if she was okay, she mumbled something. I then asked if she wanted me to leave, no response, started to turn round to leave then she said she just wasn't feeling great. She was incredibly rude and frosty to me so I made my excuse and left after 10mins. This behaviour from her really upset me. It wasn't the first time though. I then popped down again later that week and she started giving out about what I had said about my sister and she cried about Christmas day. I told her how bad her behaviour was with me, she apologised but couldn't remember acting that way. I left the house, went for a walk and phoned her to say I wasn't visiting again until her, FIL and hubby worked things out as I was being dragged into it and I was finding the visits were having a negative effect on me.
They all gathered, apologised to eachother and a clean slate was agreed. (No apology to me)
Since then she has made more of an effort to visit the baby but I can't help but feel major resentment and borderline hatred towards her. Every visit she tells the baby not to bother looking at mammy and tells me I need to socialise her more. Most recently, I was telling her a certain place done drive through coffee (ideal when baby is asleep or if its raining) and I treated myself there every fortnight. Her response was she would not think of using it because she would think of my baby and go inside so baby could see people and listen to them talking. I feel like a broken record on this subject - fyi, baby had been sightseeing on the Monday, baby sensory on the Tuesday, library and walk through local town on the Wednesday, visit to MIL on the Thursday and on the Friday MIL pops up and says this to me. I also go for daily 6km walks with the baby plus baby has literally just turned 5 months.
I am near boiling point with snapping over these constant comments and I feel completely drained. I feel like I am unknowingly in a competition with her. Telling my baby not to look at mammy, not to mind mammy etc. Really upsets me and I don't know how to respond while keeping the peace.

Help please.

I have a very similar MIL and literally the only reason I (barely, and at the expense of my own mental wellbeing) tolerate her constant jibes, digs and passive aggressive behaviour is because DH cares about their relationship. If I was in your situation where DH didn’t want anything to do with her I’d honestly skip gleefully into the sunset and never see her again!

I would not bother with them at all as they seem nuts and controlling towards the baby. Stop thinking about them and live your life with your little family. Sounds like they need a hobby as too much time on their hands and trying to take over your family. If you do have to see her again and she starts just stay firmly stop you are doing it again, keep repeating it. I would stay as far away from them as possible as not good for your mental health.

I completely agree

Hi all, as suggested I've gone low contact for my own mental health. I've discussed this with my dh. I will be no longer visiting without his presence. I had such a great relationship with my grandad growing up that I wanted that for my dc, to the point that I was forcing it with pil and rewarding their poor behaviour towards dh and I over christmas. This was the completely wrong approach, I know this now. Yesterday, reinforced that I've made the right decision - I visited some elderly neighbours (they are friends of pil but have also been very good to me) they do not have any children, the male randomly started asking has dc worn all of the clothes gifted to her (which dc has, even if its just the once) (v random question from a male who never had children), he then said he knows MIL would love a photo of dc in some of the clothes she gifted (which i have done for 1 or 2 outfits). So she's been in with them saying god knows what. I just said to myself i have enough, MIL will never be happy, I'm done with her and it honestly feels like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I'm giving her no more of my energy or head space. Tomorrow, it's back to being positive and not talking poorly or whining about her, she's no longer important to me.

Stay away she is a bully well done u you have tried My mother in law was a nice woman but was controlled by an old fashioned man (never changed with the times women went to work for pin money I gave reply back absolutely fuming money bought our house most of ur married life Earnt more than their son Even said to my son womens place is cleaning the house He couldn’t work after a heart attack but never cleaned the house or cooked or prepared a meal when she worked full time I didn’t visit so angry He never had a go at his other sons wife who worked in a bank no kids My husband can not send how he was a bully though

I agree with PP, what she’s saying is awful but if anyone should deal with it it’s your dh. Cut her out. I appreciate the grandparent / grandchild relationship etc but honestly there’s nothing worse for a child than a toxic family member!

a healthy grandparent/child relationship is important, this is not healthy! If she is telling your very small baby not to look at you and dictating how you raise your child, I would be telling her actually this is how it will be as we are the parents and if you don't like it and don't adhere to these guidelines, you aren't welcome. and yes I have done this with my ILs and life is sooooo much nicer. we only see them 3/4 times a year (my kids are older as well) and none of us enjoy the time. They far prefer time with my parents who don't shower them with gifts, and spend a lot of time and energy with them doing things the kids like to do.

I feel like these MIL scenarios are a case of always ‘2 sides to every story’
I have seen first hand how in my brothers Ex’s eyes my Mum doing ‘everything wrong’ picking on her for petty stuff. Does it really matter that she bought you 13 teddies to be precise. Just thank her and get on with your day.
I agree that some of things you have mentioned don’t seem nice, but maybe she thinks the same about you.

The fact that you read this thread and had this conclusion maybe neither you nor your mother are as nice as you think.

@HoppingPavlova Are you kidding? My mum had me when she was 18 & I had my daughter when I was 18. That makes my mum a grandmother at 36 years old. I myself became a grandmother at 41 years old. There are millions of grandparents under 70!!

Your talking bollocks my dear!

You don’t need to keep the peace. She’s way out of order. She’s sticking her nose in where she has no place to do so. I also had a testing time similar when my little one was small and honestly still now if I think about it too much it just breaks my heart how certain people behaved. You don’t need to explain anything to anyone. That’s your baby, not hers. I would alter your life and routine to the point where she is not negatively affecting you anymore. Whether that’s seeing her once a week, once a month or bloody never. Do what will keep you sane and what you can cope with. And also, your husband needs to be stepping in when she’s making these horrid comments and putting her back in her place. Get on the same page with him before you do anything so that you’re a united front.

You are probably both right because you probably lead very different lives and meet different types of people.

The average age a woman has their first child is now 30 and rising all the time.

The average age a person becomes a grandparent for the first time is 64 and also rising fast.

I hardly know of any friends or family of a similar age to me who had a child before they were 35. The youngest I can think of was 31. That is in part because quite a few of them have broadly similar level careers where having a child when they were young would have been nigh on impossible to cope with alongside the early stages of their careers.

I know of plenty of people, including my DS, who didn’t have 4 GP alive when they were born despite the deceased GP’s being 75+ when they died.

In my experience the age you have children does feel like a bit of a trade off. There are benefits and drawbacks to both approaches to life.

In that case HoppingPavlova I must be VERY unusual in your world, as I became a Great Grandmother at only 62!!

I don’t know a single Great Grandmother. They’d have to be aged well over 100 based on the age we all had our children!

She sounds toxic. You probably can’t avoid seeing them but limit the amount you see them. Concentrate on your own lives and put your efforts there. See her behaviour for what it is - childish and manipulative (I have a MIL like this, although not as bad or close-by) - and let it wash over you. Speak to your husband and tell him how you feel and get his support.

I have a friend who has 4 year old child and is 56. The child still has a great grandma. The friend is male and great grandma is 101. But still, all kinds of combinations are possible. It's quite possible the OP's husband is older than OP. Can't be that uncommon for men to become fathers older than 35 or even 40.

I was a GM at 53 (one month away from 53), as was my Mom. My MIL became a GG at 78. My Mom passed 11 months to the day before my DGD was born, or she would have been a GG at 83.

@IREMILPROBLEMS this thread has been bothering me for a while since I contributed. I have quickly re-read your responses, but I can't see what your relationship is like with YOUR parents? Part of me thinks you wanted to create this situation by purposely going round to PILS knowing they find it difficult.

You've now got what you wanted.

My relationship with my parents is great! I did not force or manipulate inlaws to behave a certain way or make them feel uncomfortable, I visited as promised each week and welcomed mil into my home despite the constant negative jibes and let her 5 year old tantrums go without accountability. They are both 70+, in good health. I actually had a bit of a breakdown after starting this thread. I was trying to deal with this situation as if my mil is reasonable, but sadly, in reality, she has no respect towards me. Nothing is black and white when it comes to these sort of relationships. There has to be a bit of give and take for them to work, but some people just want to take and never compromise. It still angers me how much head space I've given my mil. She sat me down when I was pregnant and talked about how her own mother never helped, imo what she has done to me is much worse then lack of support - talking negatively to me about my parenting but doing it passive aggressively by saying it to the baby, throwing tantrums when she couldn't visit in the hospital, throwing tantrums when she didn't see the baby at christmas, bitching to neighbours, the list is endless. Not one kind word out of her. So did I get what I wanted??? I wanted baby to have great grandparents on her doorstep, a second home. Did I want support, ofcoarse I'd love to get an hour here and there. Instead, I have a mil I have to manage.

So sorry! Do yourself a favor and keep your distance. The stress is not worth it!

I agree with the others, you've done the right thing. Just stay away, she is toxic. Nothing good will come from it, not even for the kids. I bet you £20 as the kids get older they refuse to go, because she says horrible things about you. I had a toxic grandma too! My mum encouraged me to go visit her with my dad, because she wanted us to bond. But she was so horrible about my mum, it hurt my feelings every time i went there! I just stopped visiting her, and didn't feel anything when she passed away. Don't encourage something that isn't there.