To block a child at soft play

[Avopopcorn]

Just had a bizarre interaction with a lady at soft play today and want to know if I am being unreasonable. DS (two years old) was playing in the toddler section with building block. It's just us, and there are loads of other blocks. We're all sat on the ground (my baby is with me too). Another toddler, same sort of age comes charging over and tries to grab the block my DS is playing with. DS is obviously about to get upset and react. We've been working really hard on DS not hitting in this sort of situation and saying "mummy help" instead which he did, despite being obviously upset by the other toddler.

I put one hand on the block and one between DS and the toddler to block him coming closer but don't move him away or anything like that, just a barrier arm while I say to the toddler that DS is still playing and he can have a turn in a minute. Cue the mum storming in, shouting "he's autistic! He's autistic! He doesn't understand, what do you think you're doing?!?!". She was mad. So I explained and she's still mouthing off. Then she takes him away and thirty seconds later it all happens again. Cue more shouting about him being autistic (but no extra supervision from her...) as I still wasn't letting him just take the block. She gets him, calls me a bitch and storms off to complain about me to the staff.

Poor staff member comes over, and says that she says I pushed her child. I explained obviously not, didn't think much more of it. Twenty mins later we go to leave and this woman is still crying to the staff member!

I've played it back in my head a few times and I don't know what else I could have done really. This kid was all over us, no parent near, and it would have escalated into a toddler hitting match if I hadn't done anything. Plus it's unreasonable for my DS to have to tolerate some random toddler taking a toy he's actively playing with (everything else in there wasn't being used, it wasn't busy). All toddlers require supervision and surely even more so if he's autistic and doesn't understand? If she had been with him she could have sorted it out herself.

Wow. I actually think OP was completely correct in what she did and I have often done similar at toddler groups. But calling a neurodiverse 2 year old a shitty little brat is completely out of order.

I don't think I would have done anything physical, even if it was just a physical block with your arm I'm not sure I'd do that to someone else's toddler. I would just concentrate on talking to my own child about the situation even if it wasn't fair, whilst silently cursing the other mother for not being there to stop her toddler from snatching.
People who just plonk their kids down at soft play and dissappear annoy me.

You, your DS and the little ASD toddler handled it like champs. The mother went way overboard.

Couldn't agree more! Way too much entitlement these days.

I think that's what startled me the most - it was pretty normal toddler behaviour from her son, ND or not, so I was totally calm in the interaction with him. It was annoying she wasn't there to do it but that's not unusual in soft plays or playgroup. So for her to then lose it was very confusing. PP are right though, I need to not give it more headspace.

I thought you dealt with it well..putting your arm out isnt touching anyone but just protecting your LO from being grabbed, snatched toy ect when they feel uncomfortable..if your child is in an uncomfortable situation i dont think you just sit back and watch it unfold. You only said he can have it after, isn't that nice and how you promote sharing?

If there is something wrong doing that, then i think whatever anyone does will be wrong to someone..

Absolutely this.
OP, you interfered in the interaction thus not allowing either child to negotiate what is, in fact, perfectly normal 2 year old behaviour. All your dc will take from this is that he doesn’t need to share, and mummy will stop anyone else from engaging with me.

Sounds like you handled the situation well and there are couple of others solutions suggested that would also have worked.

I wonder, however, if the other mother has only recently been given the diagnosis and is still struggling.

Ahh this would make sense. Definitely felt like there was more to it than what happened. And timing wise would make sense as he was very young

My first instinct wouldn't be to put my arm up and stop another child joining in/ taking a block. I would say 'let's share' and give the other child a block and distract my child with the rest.

They are 2! Far too young to understand, autistic or not. If they were 4 or 5 then it would be completely different. They are essentially still babies

I think you did the right thing OP. I have taken things off children and handed them back to my child when it’s been snatched whilst saying we are playing with this right now, when we’ve finished it can be your turn, and vice versa if my child wants something they know to wait until it’s their turn.

If parents are not going to parent they can’t complain when other parents do that for them.

I have also stood in front of a 4-5 year old to stop him punching other children. His mother was most angry I was blocking her child from “showing his emotions”.

No, but it may well explain the still crying 20 minutes later and the fact she had trouble processing the situation

Can you even be diagnosed with autism at 2?

Absolutely. Usually means delays such as non verbal, limited to no understanding (which is probably what the mum was shouting about), other developmental delays etc.

There was frequently an aggressive autistic boy in our local softplay and playground. Grabbing blocks was a small concern compared to when he slam dunked my petite child on a bouncy castle. I thought he'd broken her neck. No reaction from the parent ever. I frequently had to intervene on the playground when the kid got physical.

Another autistic child on the same playground had a grannie that would attack you for protecting your kid. She was rough a.f. First mum was different, timid and quiet.

I have a neurodiverse child myself, but supervision is often lacking. Responsibility needed. My friend with high needs autistic kids will be 1 on 1 in this situation to supervise.

This.

DD1 is autistic and I would always hover nearby when we were at soft play/ playground etc. Maybe she should be actually parenting her child instead of screaming "he's autistic, he's autistic" whenever he does something wrong.

I would have done exactly the same. The woman should have been supervising her own child better. It is not okay to snatch a toy from another child's hands, regardless of age or ND.

Tbh I don't think I'd get as precious as you if my 2.5 yo DS had a "standard toddler interaction", as you've described it. This happens all the time, unless another child is aggressive towards DS, I don't intervene. Toddlers at this age are possessive about toys, some snatch them and that's for your son to deal with.

There should've been better supervision from the other boy's mother, but also I think you're too precious.

Eh?

Should we really be teaching children to grab what they want regardless of the occupiers feelings? There were tonnes of other bricks that child could have had - he didn't need the 1 her ds had.

Should I allow them to take my favourite toy from my house because I have others?

OP her behaviour was unreasonable. But on the side of why she reacted like she did I expect it's because she's having to go through the stage of accepting her disability. I expect that's why she was still crying. It may also have been because she realised her self by then her outburst was emotional and completely OTT.

I've found in those situation when you stop another child grabbing something yours has that finding an alternative and physically giving it to them shows you are trying to resolve the situation rather than just prevent it. (Not that that's your job but it can be a useful resolution strategy)

You did nothing wrong.

I have an autistic child, and there is a strident belief in SEND parenting at the moment that wants parents to believe we are doing something deeply harmful to our autistic kids if we try to help them understand why sharing is important. If our child becomes very distressed by waiting / sharing we must protect them from ever being asked to do so or else we are agents of ableist oppression. So we’re told to let them play with whatever they want for as long as they want and screw everyone else. I exaggerate, but only slightly.

I really despair sometimes - parents who generally have a good deal of common sense and are keen to do right by their ND child can be gaslit into believing that they need to unlearn their conformist NT conditioning, and any attempt to help their children understand social norms and respect boundaries constitutes an infringement of their autonomy that will traumatise them for life.

I think a lot of autistic kids (and their families) are being badly let down by this approach, and it is really not going to help autistic young people develop skills to sustain friendships (which most so badly want), nor will it help public understanding of & compassion towards ND people.

It's quite possible that mum could be neurodivergent herself & this event could have been the last in a series of events that day that triggered her own emotional meltdown.

She may also be trying to navigate a new diagnosis of her young child.

Not justifying her actions OP as you have done nothing wrong here, but it may explain her behaviour.

And fwiw it's my ds is also autistic. But he would have just handed the brick over and gone and got another one - 50 times if 50 kids did it. 😂

O would have done exactly what you did to stop my ds being so vulnerable and to teach him he had a right to the toy he was playing with.

I had something similar happen at soft play. A little boy was lying on the mat right at the bottom of a big multi-slide slide. Lots of children were backing up at the top of the slide and some were starting to get feisty and shoving. I was concerned they’d come down and ram straight into the child and looked around and saw no grown up nearby so gently called to the little boy saying ‘sweetie you need to move or you might get hurt’. He didn’t respond so I said it again, whereupon his mum appeared, swept him up and shouted at me ‘he’s autistic!!!’ and walked off muttering and shaking her head. I felt terrible. I went over and said ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise, I didn’t want the other kids to go into him, I’m really sorry’ but she just gave me an evil and ignored me.

Actually no, it's an opportunity for a parent to teach them. I have a 2.5 yo who is now starting to snatch, of he does this I tell him no, we need to share and you have to wait until it's your turn.

Interesting you presume the staff believed her.