To block a child at soft play

[Avopopcorn]

Just had a bizarre interaction with a lady at soft play today and want to know if I am being unreasonable. DS (two years old) was playing in the toddler section with building block. It's just us, and there are loads of other blocks. We're all sat on the ground (my baby is with me too). Another toddler, same sort of age comes charging over and tries to grab the block my DS is playing with. DS is obviously about to get upset and react. We've been working really hard on DS not hitting in this sort of situation and saying "mummy help" instead which he did, despite being obviously upset by the other toddler.

I put one hand on the block and one between DS and the toddler to block him coming closer but don't move him away or anything like that, just a barrier arm while I say to the toddler that DS is still playing and he can have a turn in a minute. Cue the mum storming in, shouting "he's autistic! He's autistic! He doesn't understand, what do you think you're doing?!?!". She was mad. So I explained and she's still mouthing off. Then she takes him away and thirty seconds later it all happens again. Cue more shouting about him being autistic (but no extra supervision from her...) as I still wasn't letting him just take the block. She gets him, calls me a bitch and storms off to complain about me to the staff.

Poor staff member comes over, and says that she says I pushed her child. I explained obviously not, didn't think much more of it. Twenty mins later we go to leave and this woman is still crying to the staff member!

I've played it back in my head a few times and I don't know what else I could have done really. This kid was all over us, no parent near, and it would have escalated into a toddler hitting match if I hadn't done anything. Plus it's unreasonable for my DS to have to tolerate some random toddler taking a toy he's actively playing with (everything else in there wasn't being used, it wasn't busy). All toddlers require supervision and surely even more so if he's autistic and doesn't understand? If she had been with him she could have sorted it out herself.

You went from asking OP how close was her arm and when she posts that she held her arm out, again, not putting her hands on the child, and preventing him from charging into her son, you read it as her physically restraining him when she did nothing of the sort.

Why?

Oh yeah the free for all posters

I had one last year tell me that my dgc who was about 8 months old and only just sitting would be fine on her own dealing with older children taking stuff off her in the hell that is soft play and I should have more confidence in her abilities

Bloody weirdo

I once had to gently pick up another child under their arms and move them away. They were hitting and grabbing and pulling children from the top of a softplay platform down one of those ramps with the bumps to climb up. The mother just did not give a shit on her phone on the corner.

Zero regrets. If you aren’t going to parent your child and supervise properly, other people will step in to protect their children. If it was my child and someone had to resort to that I would have been very apologetic that my child was behaving that way. It wouldn’t have happened though because I don’t allow that behaviour and I supervise my child.

Have you posted on the wrong thread?

Sure, we can all draw all sorts of extreme conclusions from parenting messages - but most of us do eventually develop beyond the sophistication of a toddler when it comes to turn taking and sharing. Those are just the first, most basic building blocks of social negotiation and compromise and ideas of fairness.

I’m a parent of an autistic child and I get so fed up of SEN parenting gurus claiming that the practice of taking turns with toys is akin to some random adult stranger coming up to me and grabbing my phone because they want to use it. It’s just not the same thing at all. It’s more like queuing for the toilets - you can’t expect to barge in and oust someone from a cubicle, but you also can’t lock yourself in there and scroll on your phone for 2 hours while 20 people are waiting outside desperate for a piss.

If you’re in a public place, with shared amenities, there will inevitably be some compromise and waiting and a bit of frustration. And of course, when little kids are involved, this will mean tears and gnashing of teeth. Inevitably. This is why going to soft play is not something you can take a totally hands-off approach to as a parent - whatever your kid’s neurotype. There will be conflict and negotiation, and encounters with people who have different rules and cultural expectations. This is part of the ‘optimal frustration’ of learning to be with others and tolerate disappointment.

My DC found this more distressing and difficult than NT kids, so we decided to stay away from playgrounds and soft plays for a bit until he was better able to handle it. But I couldn’t have let him roam free and expect people to be OK with him snatching and grabbing all the time, or staying on the swings for 4 hours because he wasn’t ready to let anyone else have a go.

If there were loads of other blocks around, why didn't you just pass the other toddler one?

But I couldn’t have let him roam free and expect people to be OK with him snatching and grabbing all the time, or staying on the swings for 4 hours because he wasn’t ready to let anyone else have a go.

In this analogy though, it would have been being on a swing for 5 minutes, while there were 25 other swings sitting empty, ready for use. So not sure this applies.

The mother should have been supervising.

Why didn’t its mother? Oh she’d rather sit and have a coffee…

Well, yes that would have been the ideal solution, but as she wasn't, simply passing the toddler another block would have probably resolved it and then the OP wouldn't have been in this situation...

Mostly because by this point I didn't have a spare hand, and also because I was sat down playing so couldn't reach. But also because the other toddler didn't want any of the other blocks, he wanted the one my child was playing with because he was playing with it. And yes, as the PP said, his mum should've done that.

What didn't the other child's mother?

And taught her own child what? That you just give children thundering over, what they want?

OP didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not her issue the other parent lost it. It’s the other parent’s issue that she wasn’t supervising her DC who can’t cope in soft play alone (hardly any children can at that age)

OP wouldn’t have been in this situation if the woman had been watching her child in the first place. The woman despite yelling at OP allowed her child to go back over and do it again 30 seconds later so I doubt just giving this child another block would have solved it.

Well, yes that would have been the ideal solution, but as she wasn't, simply passing the toddler another block would have probably resolved it and then the OP wouldn't have been in this situation...*

You advocate to teach your child to just give up everything that others want? Why would you do that? Are you a people pleaser? Do you want your child to be a people pleaser?

Because the other toddler only wanted the one that OP's DC had.

I don't think you were unreasonable.

I would personally handle it by initially saying brightly 'please don't take that block, DS is playing with it - look there are lots of others, here's an identical one for you to play with!'

If that didn't work I would relocate DS and his block to a different place in the soft play.

Failing that I would try to identify the other child's grownup and politely ask them to control their child (though tbh it doesn't very often work or they would be doing it already).

After that I would do what you did and block with part of my body.

And how exactly are you blocking access to your DS while you are away looking for the can't-be-arsed mother?

and are also trying to look after a baby.

If her child is autistic then she should have been supervising more closely. No sympathy for her or her crocodile tears. You did nothing wrong OP, sorry you had to deal with that.

@DeeLusional depends how big it is, but probably take him with me?

And yes, basically this.

If she doesn't want people to prevent her child harassing other kids she should probably do it herself...

I'd have probs done the same, OP.

Can you imagine the other woman's reaction if your child had actually hit hers!

She sounds like one of those mums who just likes to use the diagnosis as an excuse not to parent! (If he even has been diagnosed… 2 is very young to be diagnosed!)
we had one in my daughters class in primary… every time he was aggressive or upset somewhen she spouted about ‘he’s autistic’.. she used it like an excuse for everything rather than actually teaching him appropriate behaviour… she went on kids group chats and was horrible to other kids and lectured both them and parents on how because he’s autistic they should all make special allowances… since he constantly touched my daughter, kicked her or pulled hair my daughter just kept away from him… but then she avoided boys generally so it wasn’t obvious.
I understand how hard it is for children and parents with autism BUT I don’t agree that my child should put up with negative behaviour from another child … sure I’ve told my DD from year R I suspected he had difficulties so to be understanding/patient etc… but no I’m not putting up with her coming home bruised or upset!
There is NO WAY your son should’ve just given up his toy … the mother should’ve been there and engaged him in the other blocks that weren’t being played with.. he was her responsibility to supervise not yours to entertain…
Your son will learn about sharing… but with lots of other similar toys around why the hell should another child be allowed to snatch a toy off another child….
kids always want what others have, us parents need to teach our kids that this isn’t acceptable and needs to be putting in extra work as he’ll likely take longer to teach….
I’m not entirely sure a 2 year old would’ve been diagnosed yet… a lot of the behaviours displayed are similar to normal 2 year old behaviour… even speech delay isn’t unusual in 2/3 year olds.
I suspect he’s just lacking supervision and parenting so isn’t learning social norms! I suspect this is the case in lots of diagnosed ADHD cases now…. SOME Kids aren’t being taught right from wrong anymore, I find SOME parents just don’t parent anymore… and looking at friends, it does seem to be the ones that never said no to their kids, allowed them to run wild and hit other kids etc that now as teens are unruly and being diagnosed with ADHD type disorders… my belief is that some ADHD diagnosis is purely because those kids aren’t being taught social skills young enough…. But that’s just my observation … but like socialising a puppy… there’s a small window to socialise puppies and make them ok with kids, dogs, and other environmental things… for dogs it’s a matter of weeks, taking a pup away from its mum too young for example increases the risk of having a nippy dog and then the human had to break that behaviour…. I personally think lack of parenting these days, lack of socialising our kids and discipline in the early years is affecting later behaviour ….
studies have found that if a child hasn’t learned a language by a certain age then that capability of ever learning one disappears .. so kids neglected (I’m talking severe abuse cases) never learn to speak if they’re not rescued by a certain age…. Similarly I believe kids who aren’t taught rules and social norms at home by their parents/carers are more likely to have their behaviours diagnosed as ADHD.
And before I get my ear chewed off I know some diagnosis are genuine .. but even those children can learn with extra input. Kids need to be told at 2 that it isn’t nice to take a toy from a child in a ball park for example…. The amount of people on this thread saying OP’s son should’ve just been made to give his toy over displays why kids now don’t learn these valuable lessons!

(just my observations and opinion though!!)

If OP hadn’t blocked this other child he would’ve snatched the toy her son was playing with…. Why should OP allow that to happen?
OP prevented a physical fight and her son being hurt!