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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To block a child at soft play

299 replies

Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 19:35

Just had a bizarre interaction with a lady at soft play today and want to know if I am being unreasonable. DS (two years old) was playing in the toddler section with building block. It's just us, and there are loads of other blocks. We're all sat on the ground (my baby is with me too). Another toddler, same sort of age comes charging over and tries to grab the block my DS is playing with. DS is obviously about to get upset and react. We've been working really hard on DS not hitting in this sort of situation and saying "mummy help" instead which he did, despite being obviously upset by the other toddler.

I put one hand on the block and one between DS and the toddler to block him coming closer but don't move him away or anything like that, just a barrier arm while I say to the toddler that DS is still playing and he can have a turn in a minute. Cue the mum storming in, shouting "he's autistic! He's autistic! He doesn't understand, what do you think you're doing?!?!". She was mad. So I explained and she's still mouthing off. Then she takes him away and thirty seconds later it all happens again. Cue more shouting about him being autistic (but no extra supervision from her...) as I still wasn't letting him just take the block. She gets him, calls me a bitch and storms off to complain about me to the staff.

Poor staff member comes over, and says that she says I pushed her child. I explained obviously not, didn't think much more of it. Twenty mins later we go to leave and this woman is still crying to the staff member!

I've played it back in my head a few times and I don't know what else I could have done really. This kid was all over us, no parent near, and it would have escalated into a toddler hitting match if I hadn't done anything. Plus it's unreasonable for my DS to have to tolerate some random toddler taking a toy he's actively playing with (everything else in there wasn't being used, it wasn't busy). All toddlers require supervision and surely even more so if he's autistic and doesn't understand? If she had been with him she could have sorted it out herself.

OP posts:
Dutchesss · 09/02/2024 19:55

Would it really have killed you to let the other child have the block and just distract your own with something else?
Yes, this is a great way to bring up a people pleaser with no boundaries. 🤔

The OP taught her child two things; that it's ok to stick up for yourself and that Mummy will support you. That's a good thing in my opinion.

MissHoollie · 09/02/2024 19:55

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LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2024 19:55

Another parent of autistic boys here. My oldest was very tall so looked older than he was but was mischievous less mature than he should have been.
id expect a child diagnosed at that age to have significant delays - it would be very unusual

in my view it is not up to your toddler to accommodate her son, autistic or not. It IS up to her to watch him like a hawk for his comfort and for others.

toddlers hit. It’s not ideal but we really should stop being so precious about it. I’d be mortified with my first but, honestly, by the time I was at soft play with number 3 it got a much lesser reaction. I promise you they don’t grow up to be thugs. Once they get better at speech they verbalise their needs instead.

Isitthathardtobekind · 09/02/2024 19:57

lilyboleyn · 09/02/2024 19:46

Ugh, first two responses 🙄People who think ‘my child can do anything they want’ are the reason this country will be on its knees in a generation’s time…

Exactly this.

You sound like you handled it fine. She should have been with him and supervising properly!

helpnohelpno · 09/02/2024 19:57

It's hard parenting an autistic child and sometimes you just want parents to show a bit of leniency as your child may struggle significantly more than theirs.

But I agree she should have supervised better and shouldn't have had a go at you

Herdinggoats · 09/02/2024 19:57

Worth bearing in mind that there’s often a genetic element to neurodiversity and autism, coupled with low diagnosis rates in adults. If someone flags to me their child is autistic I might consider that there is the possibility they are on the spectrum as well

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/02/2024 19:57

Pancakedayisthebest · 09/02/2024 19:54

Not the point of the thread but I think the 'mummy help' stuff is a bit odd. What's he supposed to do when you're not there, just stand there looking helpless?

I think it's better than her child whacking another child instead. I imagine he'll learn other solutions when he's older and has more impulse control.

Original poster
Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 19:58

Pancakedayisthebest · 09/02/2024 19:54

Not the point of the thread but I think the 'mummy help' stuff is a bit odd. What's he supposed to do when you're not there, just stand there looking helpless?

He's two. Of course I'm there. And as he gets older he'll be developing the skills he needs to navigate situations by himself. But right now, when he's still getting the hang of language and self control, he isn't able to explain to a pushy toddler why he isn't giving him the toy he's playing with.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 19:59

don't do anything which could be perceived as me 'parenting' / disciplining another child

She wasn’t doing anything like that, though. Not letting a stranger’s child snatch something from your own isn’t parenting or disciplining the stranger’s child. It’s just looking after your own child, by not letting another kid spoil their game.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/02/2024 19:59

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ASD isn't diagnosed in such young children.

It absolutely is. Usually in more severe cases.

coxesorangepippin · 09/02/2024 20:00

She's crazy

Autism isn't an excuse for bad parenting

mamacorn1 · 09/02/2024 20:00

Miloandfreddy · 09/02/2024 19:38

Would it really have killed you to let the other child have the block and just distract your own with something else? Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill

I don’t agree with this at all. Why should OP have to distract her child who is playing nicely , because another child is taking his toy?
children can be taught to share, but not just allow random kids to take what they like without consequences

SophieHope7 · 09/02/2024 20:00

What a horrible experience... Sounds really rough and you didn't do anything wrong. Unfortunately it sounds like the mother of the other child wasn't paying attention but it must be very tough for her with an autistic child.

It's so tough but you can't know a child has specific needs unless you are made aware. Take a deep breath and move on. You didn't do anything wrong and let's remember you had a toddler and a baby to manage!

KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 20:00

Herdinggoats · 09/02/2024 19:57

Worth bearing in mind that there’s often a genetic element to neurodiversity and autism, coupled with low diagnosis rates in adults. If someone flags to me their child is autistic I might consider that there is the possibility they are on the spectrum as well

So what? That doesn’t mean it’s OK for them be an arsehole.

DoILookThrilled · 09/02/2024 20:01

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/02/2024 19:48

You handled it perfectly. I certainly wouldn't have been teaching my toddler to be passive and give something away if they weren't finished playing with it.

If he's autistic then the mother needs to be watching him closer, especially if he has little to no understanding.

Blocking him was perfectly fine, I would've done the same.

This. He needs to learn he can’t always get what he wants. Plus protecting your child is totally reasonable

How is blocking him “being physical”. It’s a practical response to his rampage

So what if he’s autistic 🤷‍♀️. Before the pile on begins lm neurodiverse and so is my husband so realistically some of our children are. I’m not being judgemental or prejudice l am just being realistic. Will she scream “he’s autistic when he breaks another child’s arm”?

Brefugee · 09/02/2024 20:03

TheSnowyOwl · 09/02/2024 19:38

Surely she must have interpreted the situation very differently? Interesting the staff believed her.

why? he was playing with it, there were other things to play with (except his mum, apparently)

Children have to learn to wait their turn. And parents of toddlers need to supervise them. Autistic or not.

Original poster
Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 20:03

I did wonder about how young children are diagnosed but wasn't about to query her on that. But I'm glad I'm not being unfair to think that if he is, and therefore needs a fair bit of support, his mum should've been by his side.

OP posts:
TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 09/02/2024 20:03

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Well that's rubbish, my ds was diagnosed at 2 years 4 months

I think how you acted was fine op, at 2 they should be closely supervises even without asd the other mother was in the wrong here

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 09/02/2024 20:04

And I can't believe a poster actually thinks you should have just taken the block off your ds and given it to the other child just because he wanted it

Lovebeingamummy2 · 09/02/2024 20:05

This is why I dislike soft play, my children love it but there's always at least one naughty child with knob parents that think their child should get away with everything and not be challenged.

My child IS autistic but I NEVER use that as an excuse for bad behavior.

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/02/2024 20:10

Sounds like you were totally reasonable Op.

Can you even be diagnosed with autism at 2?

I sometimes work in a soft play centre and you wouldn't believe how little some parents supervise their kids and also how much mess they leave behind. In other words the staff have seen it all before.

Some people these days are utterly bonkers and drama queens. I was standing at a bus stop a few days ago and the woman standing next to me started yelling at me for staring at her kids. When I said I wasn't, she insisted I was. Then she started accusing me of stressing her out and it wasn't fair etc because her husband had died last week.
Didn't believe her. I just think she thought that saying that would make me back down and apoligise, which is probably what happens to you too.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/02/2024 20:11

You absolutely did the right thing. Good for you.

Prinnny · 09/02/2024 20:12

You did nothing wrong, I would have blocked a child charging and grabbing at mine too.

She should be parenting her child better if he’s got special needs to prevent situations such as this.

Surroundedbyfools · 09/02/2024 20:13

I hate soft play for this exact reason. Ppl dump their kids in and let them run riot unsupervised then get the hump when someone else is left to deal with the situation. Just coz ur child is autistic doesn’t mean they can snatch and push other kids. Ur son shouldn’t be pushed around because she is too lazy to supervise her own child. You did the right thing !

romdowa · 09/02/2024 20:13

Herdinggoats · 09/02/2024 19:57

Worth bearing in mind that there’s often a genetic element to neurodiversity and autism, coupled with low diagnosis rates in adults. If someone flags to me their child is autistic I might consider that there is the possibility they are on the spectrum as well

I'm an autistic mum to a 2 year old who is awaiting an assessment and there's no way I'd have behaved like the other woman nor would I have allowed my ds to snatch a toy or be running around unsupervised.
The other mother was just a gobby asshole. Nd isn't an excuse