MIL kept our wedding gift money

[newmomaboutthreads]

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

I don't understand why this is all you Op, surely your DH should speak to her. Traditions change over the years. It's your money and cards, just ask her for it!!!!

Just finished uni.

I suppose if mil starts asking your dh for money in the future you could remind her of the money she already "took" at the wedding

I am also British Indian and when my sister got married (to a non British Indian) my parents paid for the entire wedding. She was gifted a lot of money and my mum told my sister that she would keep the money gifted from relatives but gave her the money gifted from friends. The money gifted from family was to go towards some of the costs of the wedding but also so she can make note on who gifted what so that she can gift the same amount back when that relatives child gets married (all so complicated). I'm not sure this applies in your case as you funded the wedding so I think your MIL is being greedy and unreasonable.

Right a similar thing happened to me. When I told my Mum she explained to me that it was ok for Mil to do this as all her relatives have given this money because Mother in Law has given it at their weddings or will have to give the money 'back' when they have a wedding in the future. My Mum said they see it as if why should the dil get the money when in Mil has given it in the past and will still continue to give it.
My Mil still after many years use to complain that she gave so and so much and they only gave less. At least I didn't have to deal with all that.

There definitely won't be any money flowing towards my DH family from our little household now on

What happens if you gift a toaster at one of these weddings😀

With this logic, why would he ever pay for anything? You could pay for every single thing and argue that your money is his money, so what does it matter?

I'm also relatively newlywed and happy and in love, but let's not pretend divorce doesn't happen. Using this much of your money so early on and your husband not contributing a dime is concerning. I wouldn't have allowed my husband to do that, because it's simply not fair.

You are confused. Hindus don't get christened.🙄

I think your husband has to step in. If you paid for the wedding then the gifts are yours.

Being traditional doesn't mean not being able to speak English.

You need better communication with your DH. He speaks the same language as he's parents, it's his own mother, all he has to do is ask in a polite way if she has the cards.

My daughter (white British) and her Asian husband had the same problem. The MIL was a vicious, money grabbing, selfish old cow. In the end, they divorced. Keep as far away from her as you can. This is the first time I've ever felt strongly enough to post anything on Mumsnet, but such is the depth of my feelings....

My daughter (white British) and her ex-husband (Asian British) had the same problem. In the end, they got divorced. The MIL was a vicious, self centred, selfish old cow, and he wouldn't stand up to her. Keep as far away from her as you can. This is the very first time I have ever posted on Mumsnet, and you can see how deep the feelings still run.

"MIL, I was wondering when you plan on transferring the money that DH and I were gifted at the wedding? A couple of guests have asked me if we have bought anything nice for ourselves with the money they gifted so I just wondered when you planned on sending it across?"

You have to ask your husband it could be cultural she might be keeping for you for a rainy day or big deposit I know some cultures do this but your husband should be the one to ask them .

You didn't work at all during Uni?

Being Indian you should know the answer

its normally tradition but only because culturally the parents paid for the wedding. (I’m not agreeing with this just stating facts)

Youll also know that cash gifts given on behalf of the grooms side are given to them and same for the brides side.

If you wanted the money you should’ve clarified before and then you would’ve had the opportunity to say you wanted a smaller wedding that you alone would’ve paid for

I would ask for all the cards back first. Then question the money if it’s missing. I’m gobsmacked she would have opened cards addressed to you. But if her intention was always to steal, then she may deny having any cards or money so you may never get to the root of it. Ask now though and don’t rely on your (I’m afraid pussy of a) husband. I’m Indian. My parents gave all gifted money in laps to us and in cards the day after to take with us. However, the gifts given pre-marriage, they seem to have misplaced! Never seen all that again and they gave me bullshit about how that’s not given to the bride!!! Ffs sister had all given to her when she got married but I didn’t because there was no mother in law to impress with such gifts! Despite it being over 10 years, still leaves a bad taste in your mouth so definitely question it now.

It depends how much your in- laws have spent on the wedding. Then they have right to keep the money. Plus usually your mother in law must have given this money to their relatives weddings in the past and they are now returning back. it's normal tradition. My mother used to have the long list how much money she had received from relatives and then she used to return it back by increasing it little bit.

This tradition meant to help families with financial costs of the wedding.

i didn't pay a penny towards my wedding costs and my parents kept the money.But on my husband side, he paid the costs and he kept the gift money.

I’m not surprised reading this one bit. I think it is cultural, we’re Chinese and my MIL also took all the money from my BIL and our wedding the money gifts from her friends even though MIL contributed nothing. The traditional MIL typically has a weird attachment to their sons, that’s where all the crazy Asian MIL stories come from.

your husband knows what his family/mum is like and still said he doesn’t know? word of warning start as you mean to go on. If you want a more western lifestyle better get him on board ASAP, especially if he’s a mummy’s boy. These traditional family have manipulative tendencies and MIL are the best at playing up to their precious sons.

However traditionally the parents would be paying for the wedding so get to keep it

It happens in very traditional Indian households as the MIL is the keeper of the purse/runs the house etc.

Not just Indian - when I worked in Taiwan I had several married female clients who were unhappy that their husbands gave all their earnings (both partners) to their mothers to manage.

Being a commenter you should have read the thread. OP did pay for the whole wedding.

They are so many Indians on Mumsnet because I'm one of them. Stop being so bloody racist!!

Apologies

I still think the same though - you should’ve said something at the beginning

However now OP has to make a choice. I agree with the notion that as you paid for the wedding the gifts should be yours

i think you need to decide whether you rock the boat and risk your marriage

However I would always say to be transparent with your DH if you are going to ask your in-laws for the money