MIL kept our wedding gift money

[newmomaboutthreads]

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

You've totally got the wrong end of the stick @Raincloudsonasunnyday . I'm asian myself. I do think that the best person op could have asked was her dh, to find out of this is the done thing in his family! I know there are British asian posters, being that I am one. What I meant is that her issue is very culture specific and many of the posters see her inlaws as straight off unreasonable because this isn't a thing in their culture. There's so much variation between asian culture in general and you can see from the people that have posted so many families do this differently.

Anyway I don't want to derail the thread and hope the op gets the issue resolved.

Rural, unsophisticated, maybe not a wealthy family if she didn’t much education? If she’d been a retired doctor from Mumbai I’m sure she’d have offered.

I never suggested my husband contribute because I knew they were a traditional family and I didn't want any backlash later about doing me any favours by helping my family with the wedding expense

I honestly do get that about DH's wider family - also about your dad's retirement money - but can't quite see why it would extend to DH too?

You're supposed to be a unit now, so how does him contributing something towards his own wedding equate to "helping your family with the expense"?

You need to ask her wtf she is doing. She is a bloody thief - especially if you paid for it. Do you live with her?

Oh I see the confusion.
It is because traditionally the brides family pay for all the wedding. So it would be seen, especially in my in laws traditional household, as my DH helping my dad out with money. Which obviously I didn't want. I would rather go into the marriage with a bit less money.

This , translated by DH

If you paid for the wedding then I would absolutely be asking where the gift money is!

So it would be seen, especially in my in laws traditional household, as my DH helping my dad out with money. Which obviously I didn't want. I would rather go into the marriage with a bit less money.

Couldn’t he have given you some on the quiet though?

Is his mother going to expect you both to send money for her to live on?

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but do you know roughly how much money it is?

Why can she not ask Mumsnet? What a ridiculous response and unhelpful

British Indian here.
I got married 19 years ago, all the money that was put into our laps was retained by the inlaws. All the cards given to us by inlaws side of family were opened with us ,they kept the money. My sides cards I opened and my parents noted the money amounts and then gave it to my mil. My mom has some random ideas of what should be done etc... We didn't pay for the wedding, our parents did. They have given monetary gifts to people over the years, this was then seen as theirs to receive. I had no issue as it is the concept of 'lenaa deneea' (give and take).
I was given gold by family on both sides, I kept that.

When my brother got married my parents gave him and his wife the money, they blew it very quickly.
My inlaws are more traditional than my parents.
Going forward in our married life I never gave token monetary gifts or accepted them.
I think if it has been over a year there is no value questioning it. It would have been better to raise it at the time. You won't achieve anything now

I’m glad you figured it out OP 👍 I was initially worried that your in laws may have kept the money as dowry. Yes, I admit I have watched too many serials with lots of saas-bahu drama 😊

I'm not Asian but also non-white British and understand the sway of culture. Still, I don't think we should hold on to cultures that are essentially harmful to women based on 'tradition'.

Traditionally you would likely not be going out to work and earning your own bread, yet this seems to be acceptable. Your husband would need to work harder to keep a roof over your head, put food on the table, look after any children financially, etc.

Traditionally an English father of the bride would have also assumed the cost of the wedding. Traditionally there would have been a dowry to the groom and his family.

DH and I are both higher earners. We already own a first home and have lots of savings. But the truth is I'm not a millionaire and weddings cost the size of a deposit. Mine did and we had a relatively small wedding of about 100. Cost was split between DH and me equally (though parents and in laws did gift us a few ££). At least the thousands we got from our generous guests offset a lot of this and we used some for a lovely honeymoon, and will be putting the rest towards our next home.

It just feels like you've been short-changed by everyone, especially your husband and his family, on the basis of tradition (with traditions that are helping them being upheld). I'm guessing you are no millionaire either, or else this thread wouldn't exist.

It seems that your husband also likes traditional ways when it benefits him.

Why did the in-laws get the money when they hadn't paid for the wedding

Is that like a dowry?

Legally it is not really hers at all.
I'm so glad I'm not part of any oppressive traditions like this.

That is just so sad and borderline abusive.

That sounds awful, however why were neither of you working?

OP waited > 1 year to wonder where all the cash (thousands) went & if she could have it back. But now decided it's all spent, anyway, no point in asking for it back (which her H. should do anyway).

I can't get past those parts. OP must be minted !!

Not necessarily. I’ve heard of and know wealthy Asian mothers (and fathers) who are very grasping towards money and would probably try to keep it. Not all but some. Some, equally in fact at least 2 Asian families I know, are very big on charity and one family helps a charity back home in Sri Lanka. That’s a nice thing to do.

An ex colleague and friend of mine, South Indian, she’s getting married this year and her DF sadly died this month. Both she and her fiance are paying for the wedding themselves though, unsure if any family contribution. Her future MIL is a piece of work though (Iranian) and my friend has already had to speak to her to tell her to back off! Luckily I think they’re both quite western but no idea of the cultural norms they adopt towards money for weddings etc.

I wonder if dh has already told his mum she can keep the money, he could’ve contributed to your wedding quietly , even though his parents are very traditional, he’s must surely be more westernised ? Plus how would his mum have known unless she’s privy to his earnings

Does that mean you didn't get to thank any of the gift-givers on his side for their gifts? Isn't that seen as rude, culturally?

I still don't understand the concerns about me not taking a contribution for the wedding. If what's mine is his after we get married, who cares.
The wedding cost around the 100k mark (as all these big Indian weddings do) What difference would it make if I took £50k from my husband to be, as if we're married it's all one pot anyway.
A year on we just spent the wedding money on a trip to the Maldives and it reminded that it was technically paid for by my extended family. It wasn't about needing the money, but wondering what level of pissed off I should be about it. It seems just moderately pissed off is correct lol

Yes, I don't. I've never seen the cards or know any of their well wishes. It seems it's was just kept as a transaction