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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
crumbledog · 09/02/2024 15:15

There’s nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, it’s your tone and manner that are off.
Consider how you would react if you made a mistake and someone approached you all guns blazing, you’d probably give the same back, not humbly apologise - by this point your ‘mistake’ will be irrelevant and your now defending yourself against an arsehole.
And definitely pick your battles, some people are never going to see the error of their ways, so why waste your energy and potentially put yourself in harms way to teach them.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:16

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 14:56

Truthfully? There's a big part of the story missing there in the middle don't you think? They have a cross word and next thing the receptionist has left her desk (that never happens) and is round the other side and then the old 70+ man pushes EVERYBODY.

What would lead someone to do that? Either aggression or fear. Seeing as he was not the aggressor maybe it's fear?

We need the full story really don't we

What a story.🙄

Bluetrews25 · 09/02/2024 15:17

You sound like a 'right-fighter'
Someone who has to be 'right' - by pointing out what others are doing is wrong.
Awkward when you come up against another one, there seem to be a lot around these days. No-one takes kindly to being informed they are 'wrong'. Even if they are.

Next time?
Maybe don't fight to be right. Let them be 'right' and you can be happy. Fighting to be right does not generate happiness. Don't be passive aggressive either. Roll your eyes inwardly and file it away.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 15:18

Doctor’s receptionists are not shy retiring people, and they have zero tolerance on violence. What happened after the man pushed her and you?

And how did it get to that point? You made the stupid specsavers comment… then what? Because he clearly wasn’t going to apologise so what did you do? Did you start shouting and carry on going on and on at him? As a 70 year old man, could he have felt vulnerable with someone shouting at him? What did you actually do?

I don’t want to excuse violence, especially male violence against women, but if he is in his 70s then it’s easy to imagine him feeling actually afraid of you shouting at him and then a second person stepping up to him. So, what actually happened?

BeadedBubbles · 09/02/2024 15:19

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 09/02/2024 12:36

Apart from the pushing, I’m with team old man.
You should have shut the door whilst he was parking in the space, that’s what most reasonable people would have done and probably what he was expecting you to do.
Why on earth you felt the need to have an argument with him at reception when he had moved spaces is beyond me. Surely you should have just thanked him for changing spaces so you could continue getting your child out without interruption.
And I also agree with him that SUVs are a nuisance taking up too much space in parking spots particularly difficult for opening doors to get children out. I do hope you apologised to the receptionist for causing such a scene, their jobs are hard enough without breaking up fights at the counter.

Totally agree with this.

Plus who knows what medical issues someone going to see their GP may be facing or worrying about. He may have had a lot on his mind and have just assumed the op had seen him so would move out of his way.

Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 15:24

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 14:44

No. Explosive? You're being very dramatic. You actually are the one that sounds unstable. Are you scared of everything?

Not everything, but a tantruming, screaming and out of control woman holding a young baby is a big concern.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:24

BeadedBubbles · 09/02/2024 15:19

Totally agree with this.

Plus who knows what medical issues someone going to see their GP may be facing or worrying about. He may have had a lot on his mind and have just assumed the op had seen him so would move out of his way.

If the OP said she pushed the man, there wouldn't be one person saying ah it's ok you had a lot on your mind. If she had reversed nearly on top of the man because she 'thought' he'd move, nobody would agree that was ok. Stop defending shitty behaviour.

FruitEatingBird · 09/02/2024 15:26

I witnessed a similar scene at our GP surgery. Someone made a comment about someone jumping a queue and it turned into all out war with the receptionists having to intervene. Between a male and a female.

Everyone in the waiting room was just cringing and to be honest on edge. The assumption was that one or both of them were mentally unwell and we were not sure how it would escalate further and who might get hurt. Honestly people were afraid.

Is good that you recognise it and are trying to deal with it.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:27

Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 15:24

Not everything, but a tantruming, screaming and out of control woman holding a young baby is a big concern.

Where does it say she was screaming and tantrumming? Once again, your language is so very dramatic. You call the OP out of control...but not the aggressive man who pushed people? Why is that?

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 09/02/2024 15:27

You lost me at 'SUV'.

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 15:28

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:24

If the OP said she pushed the man, there wouldn't be one person saying ah it's ok you had a lot on your mind. If she had reversed nearly on top of the man because she 'thought' he'd move, nobody would agree that was ok. Stop defending shitty behaviour.

Have a word with yourself.

Person makes error.
Other person hounds them, won't drop it.

Followed by big gap in story around escalation.
Person physically reacts.

It's not complicated.

Place the blame where it lies.

Balloonhearts · 09/02/2024 15:29

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:03

I'll take that although I don't think I was abusive. What would you have done in same scenario?

Nothing. Because nothing actually happened did it? He tried to park next to you, way too close, you yelled and waved, he stopped. He tried again, still too close to be safe, you shouted and waved again, he gave up and parked somewhere else.

If I absolutely had to say something I'd have done it in a way that de-escalated it. A joke maybe, 'Careful, mate, it's bigger than you think!' But most likely I'd have left it because picking a fight over a parking space in front of my kids is just not good parenting or acceptable conduct. I don't want them thinking if they have a problem with someone they can just go and start a fight.

Herecomestreble1 · 09/02/2024 15:29

I'm a bit like you, but honestly try to err on the side of caution when you're with your baby. The last thing you need is to pick on the wrong person whilst you're with your child.

OpieMo · 09/02/2024 15:29

FruitEatingBird · 09/02/2024 15:26

I witnessed a similar scene at our GP surgery. Someone made a comment about someone jumping a queue and it turned into all out war with the receptionists having to intervene. Between a male and a female.

Everyone in the waiting room was just cringing and to be honest on edge. The assumption was that one or both of them were mentally unwell and we were not sure how it would escalate further and who might get hurt. Honestly people were afraid.

Is good that you recognise it and are trying to deal with it.

How do you know the other patients assumed both parties were 'mentally unwell'? Did you all have a chat about the situation after to give your verdicts?

Mrsttcno1 · 09/02/2024 15:31

Balloonhearts · 09/02/2024 15:29

Nothing. Because nothing actually happened did it? He tried to park next to you, way too close, you yelled and waved, he stopped. He tried again, still too close to be safe, you shouted and waved again, he gave up and parked somewhere else.

If I absolutely had to say something I'd have done it in a way that de-escalated it. A joke maybe, 'Careful, mate, it's bigger than you think!' But most likely I'd have left it because picking a fight over a parking space in front of my kids is just not good parenting or acceptable conduct. I don't want them thinking if they have a problem with someone they can just go and start a fight.

100% this.

Decide what lesson you want to teach your kids, personally starting a fight with an older gentleman in the doctors wouldn’t be the lesson I’d want to go with.

The only person who loses when you’re getting this rattled about every little thing in your life is you.

BeadedBubbles · 09/02/2024 15:33

@Ohlookwhoitis - actually, if the op said she was going to the GP to get some test results for herself or her child that she was really worried about, she wasn't paying proper attention in the car park which prompted someone to have a go at her in the surgery and keep on and on until she lost her rag and pushed them, I probably WOULD be sympathetic to her!

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:36

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 15:28

Have a word with yourself.

Person makes error.
Other person hounds them, won't drop it.

Followed by big gap in story around escalation.
Person physically reacts.

It's not complicated.

Place the blame where it lies.

😂The reaching you're doing to excuse the violence against women is laughable. It sounds like you're saying a man is justified to react physically if a woman dares to annoy him. 'Hounds' him, yeah ok.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:37

BeadedBubbles · 09/02/2024 15:33

@Ohlookwhoitis - actually, if the op said she was going to the GP to get some test results for herself or her child that she was really worried about, she wasn't paying proper attention in the car park which prompted someone to have a go at her in the surgery and keep on and on until she lost her rag and pushed them, I probably WOULD be sympathetic to her!

Course you would.

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:41

@Ohlookwhoitis you're just dreaming up that he was getting important test results though, or worried or anxious about something.

How do we know that he wasn't there just to pick up a prescription or something?

Goalandgate · 09/02/2024 15:41

AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 12:58

Stop excusing male violence and blaming women for it. I'm fed up of women having to fucking submit and tolerate shitty behaviour from men. No way would this man have reacted in the same way if the OP was male.

I hope you're ok OP.

What on earth did the man do wrong prior to the OP insulting him repeatedly? Please point out where I am wrong here? She repeatedly made comments to a stranger who actually hadn't done anything wrong, he then pushed her. He of course shouldn't have pushed her but I am right in what I said, she put her baby and herself in danger because she couldn't let a stranger stand in GP queue in peace when he had done NOTHING wrong apart from try to park in an empty space, then moved to another space without any drama.

AMagottyGrub · 09/02/2024 15:41

He probably didn't see you/wasn't paying enough attention to his surroundings while trying to park. I wouldn't have confronted someone about this kind of thing. But he's clearly a twat and didn't like you arguing with him. Normal people don't carry on an argument about their own careless driving and then assault staff and other patients in the surgery.

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:42

Sorry I tagged the wrong person. Im still fairly new to this!

Patrickiscrazy · 09/02/2024 15:42

You sound overbearing, OP.

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 09/02/2024 15:44

I find no excuse for his behaviour, he assaulted a receptionist,

But male violence and entitlement is real.

When you have a child in your arms, the best thing to do with stroppy men is not have a go at them, and say something very provoking in public.

It's about keeping your child safe.

It doesn't mean slinking off, it means being calm and able to remove yourself and them from any danger. By standing in the queue with your head held up. Not picking a fight!

I'm extremely assertive around men in that I calmly stand my ground, but I don't pick verbal arguments with them, there's too many potentially violent men out there who are just looking for an excuse to kick off. Like I say to my kids when someone cuts me up or is a bit of a bad driver, call them a complete twat but do so with the windows up.

Safety first, what the OP did was not safe, and it ended badly.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:45

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:41

@Ohlookwhoitis you're just dreaming up that he was getting important test results though, or worried or anxious about something.

How do we know that he wasn't there just to pick up a prescription or something?

It wasn't me who said that. I was replying to someone who said it and was making up excuses for him.