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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 15:00

DoubleScreens · 09/02/2024 13:27

One day you're going to pick on the wrong person and you'll get leathered. Nearly like in the drs when you put your baby into harms way. Also can't believe you basically caused the receptionist to be assaulted.

Don't blame a woman for male violence!

ComSci · 09/02/2024 15:00

Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 14:55

The ADHD link is interesting. My dd is waiting for an assessment and she has this. Just yesterday at school she had a big argument because someone cut in the line. She can’t let anything go ever.

It is actually really exhausting to experience. And honestly feels impossible to let go - all I want is an acknowledgement and an apology and then I can move on. It can take a few days to leave my system - there is a massive surge of adrenaline.

Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 15:00

Balloonhearts · 09/02/2024 14:43

So you gobbed off, picked a fight you couldn't finish (in front of your child!) and someone else got assaulted trying to break you up? Stellar role modelling there.

Yes he was wrong but you chose to carry on the fight. Doesn't matter how much he pissed you off. Do you know that is what all abusive people say. 'It was their fault because they pissed me off.' No. YOU are responsible for your own behaviour. You acted like a yob and made a right show of yourself. You need to grow up and set a better example for your kids.

Edited

This, this and this.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:01

Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 13:03

What you must learn is that no one must be challenged or criticised. Back in the day the old duffer who nearly squashed you in the car park would’ve had said sorry, Oh no not now. Anyone you tell off wants to escalate things. I think it’s got worse since covid personally.

Isn't that a bit sad if it is true? I agree with you tho! We are all too scared of calling put bad behaviour, although in this case I feel like ultimately I should have let it go.

OP posts:
HaddawayAndShite · 09/02/2024 15:02

So we have a man who has almost hit someone and a child with his car and who assaulted 2 women, one holding a child and OP is the problem? Fucking hell, I'd be calling the police if anyone laid hands on me in a public place, especially one that has his details on record and likeoy CCTV of the incident.

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:02

@Woodenwonder I'm not prone to overreaction at all (maybe you're prone to underreaction?). But had OP not said anything, what's stopping this old man doing it again to someone else and actually running them over? If he couldn't see her in his wing mirror then he needs to give up his license. There should be no excuses for dangerous or careless driving, or for assaulting someone either for that matter.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:03

Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 15:00

This, this and this.

I'll take that although I don't think I was abusive. What would you have done in same scenario?

OP posts:
Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 15:03

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:01

Isn't that a bit sad if it is true? I agree with you tho! We are all too scared of calling put bad behaviour, although in this case I feel like ultimately I should have let it go.

Maybe you should’ve let it go but I think lots of us are sick of other peoples’ entitlement 🤷‍♀️

Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 15:04

HaddawayAndShite · 09/02/2024 15:02

So we have a man who has almost hit someone and a child with his car and who assaulted 2 women, one holding a child and OP is the problem? Fucking hell, I'd be calling the police if anyone laid hands on me in a public place, especially one that has his details on record and likeoy CCTV of the incident.

Yep. He was in the wrong both times

thisisasurvivor · 09/02/2024 15:05

Male

Fcking

Entitlement

Pure and simple
I'm calling it now

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:05

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:02

@Woodenwonder I'm not prone to overreaction at all (maybe you're prone to underreaction?). But had OP not said anything, what's stopping this old man doing it again to someone else and actually running them over? If he couldn't see her in his wing mirror then he needs to give up his license. There should be no excuses for dangerous or careless driving, or for assaulting someone either for that matter.

Well yes absolutely this was my thinking, if no-one calls it out, no one is doing anything. But I probably could have approached it before. benefit of hind sight. I just reacted.

OP posts:
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:06

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:02

@Woodenwonder I'm not prone to overreaction at all (maybe you're prone to underreaction?). But had OP not said anything, what's stopping this old man doing it again to someone else and actually running them over? If he couldn't see her in his wing mirror then he needs to give up his license. There should be no excuses for dangerous or careless driving, or for assaulting someone either for that matter.

Well yes absolutely this was my thinking, if no-one calls it out, no one is doing anything. But I probably could have approached it before. benefit of hind sight. I just reacted.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 09/02/2024 15:06

As much as I do understand I think you should look at this as a learning experience. You have no idea what the other person will do when you stand up for yourself this way. This man pushed you holding your baby. There are a lot of terrible people in this world and no way to tell if someone will do far worse then pushing.

superplumb · 09/02/2024 15:06

It's not your fault. I think when we see our children in even a small amount of danger as mum's we go into lion mode. He was rude and a dick. He wouldn't have acted that way to you had you been a man, nor would he have mentioned your car. I hope he's banned from the surgery for pushing the staff. Typical entitled prick.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:08

AnnBerlin24 · 09/02/2024 15:00

Don't blame a woman for male violence!

I agree..but she is also right. This is what I'm afraid of.. she was right doesn't help if it is on a tomb stone.

OP posts:
Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 15:08

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:03

I'll take that although I don't think I was abusive. What would you have done in same scenario?

I would have:

  • given him a dirty look or an eye roll
  • not hollered like an out of control fish wife with a young child in my arms in a public place where there are ill people, children, elderly and vulnerable.
SouthEastCoast · 09/02/2024 15:08

Standing up for yourself and your child is a good thing for your child to see.

Soontobe60 · 09/02/2024 15:09

So an elderly man reversed, stopped when you shouted at him, then eventually parked elsewhere, but you chose to start an argument with him, call him names, insult him and expect him to not react? All whilst holding a small child? You’re not a great role model, you sound ageist, ableist and generally awful!

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:09

@Namechangey23 honestly I just don't get some of the bizarre opinions on here and I don't understand why people are losing their shit at you for saying 'you do realise you just almost ran us over'. It's a reasonable statement. It's hardly like you went in there and called him a cunt

Neriah · 09/02/2024 15:09

Your solution is not "to be assertive". You are abusive and offensive. That is something very different.

And 70 year olds don't automatically differ from Alzeimers. Why would to assume that he is ill, just because he's as bad as you? What's your excuse for being as much of a tosser?

MamPadi · 09/02/2024 15:11

The guy pushed two women one with a baby in her arms and you feel guilty?! It wasn't your fault you were just standing up for yourself. You and your DH sound like me and mine, but the other way around - he always has to say something and sometimes I wish he wouldn't but he is always right though, people shouldn't be allowed to get away with bad behaviour. Hope you and DS are ok now!

MumofAnAlcoholic · 09/02/2024 15:12

Yes you sound like someone who escalates things unnecessarily. And you risk then not being taken seriously at all (men will treat you as a hysterical woman for instance and women will roll their eyes).
Stop shouting and screaming. Seriously. It doesn’t help and also people who are so convinced they’re right in such a way are very often wrong in my experience. You’ve given a couple of good examples but it’s possible you’ve cherry picked the ones that show you in a better light.

Look I’ve done it myself. I was much worse when I was younger. Now I’ve realised I don’t want to either a) make myself look like a hypertensive idiot and b) I don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives. They may be having a really hard time. Kicking off may just be the last straw.

Therollinghills · 09/02/2024 15:13

I am like this too OP and always end up beating myself up about it after, wishing I'd behaved differently or just left it. I think for me it's a combination of anxiety which comes out as anger/confrontation, and being quite an impulsive person in general, not taking time to think through what might happen before I speak. Also despite the above I'm a real people pleaser and struggle with having voiced my own thoughts or feelings, I've been brought up to let people walk over me and put all the blame on myself. But also some people out there are just inconsiderate arseholes so it isn't necessarily wrong to challenge them.

Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 15:14

It’s irritating enough that he was trying to squeeze in next to her car when there were plenty of other spaces. Some of us have rolled over for too long and the piss takers don’t like it now they’re being challenged. It was goady on his part to see a mum wrestling with the kid and car seat and think it was his “right” to try to park right next to her. Turns out OP was right seeing as minutes later he’s pushing and shoving in the waiting room of the surgery. Nasty, selfish, entitled old fucker

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:14

thisisasurvivor · 09/02/2024 15:05

Male

Fcking

Entitlement

Pure and simple
I'm calling it now

YES