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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:45

unsync · 09/02/2024 13:57

So much drama 🙄 Screaming and shouting is indicative of loss of control. No one reacts well to hysteria. Try behaving in a more adult manner, you might actually get somewhere.

Well In fairness the screaming and shouting bit was when we were literally about to be run over and I was trying to get his attention, I wasn't screaming and shouting at him in the surgery. It was more like heated debate, until he decided to push us all!

OP posts:
JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:46

@Ohlookwhoitis I know sorry I did put afterwards that I tagged the wrong person. There's no way of editing comments on the iPhone app (as far as I can see!)

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:46

ComSci · 09/02/2024 15:00

It is actually really exhausting to experience. And honestly feels impossible to let go - all I want is an acknowledgement and an apology and then I can move on. It can take a few days to leave my system - there is a massive surge of adrenaline.

Shit this does sound familiar...I would feel better knowing there is a reason for it but doesn't stop the problem!

OP posts:
Odile13 · 09/02/2024 15:48

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this situation it sounds like you know you want to be calmer and not escalate things in the future. You run the risk of

  • a violent outcome
  • you getting the wrong end of the stick and being unfairly aggressive
  • getting angry with people who have made a genuine mistake / are having a terrible day or a mental health crisis of some sort

I do believe in sticking up for yourself but not to the degree that you keep feeling bad about it afterwards. It’s not worth it.

LadyKenya · 09/02/2024 15:48

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 14:32

Wow. This thread is insane. It's NOT the OPs fault that the man was aggressive. We shouldn't have to tip toe through life so as not to upset the men.

Having that sort of attitude would mean nothing if the OP, and her child had ended up sprawled on the floor of the Gp surgery, would it?

olivehaters · 09/02/2024 15:49

Get the name of the guy ( the surgery will have to report anyway) report for assault and report to the DVLA. If he is in his 70s maybe he is in denial and needs to be off the roads. Next time he might take out a child.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:50

DilemmaAtWork · 09/02/2024 14:20

I hate all this crap about ‘calling people out’. It’s just an excuse to try and shame or make someone look stupid in public and rarely actually solves the issue. Purposely embarrassing someone in public never goes well.
You can easily point something out and have a quiet, calm conversation without resorting to being an aggressive arsehole yourself.

To be fair, I didn't want to embarrass him, merely to see if he realised what happened (as he just walked off!) And hopefully for him to apologise.

OP posts:
Morecatsarebetter · 09/02/2024 15:51

People like him don’t apologise. He wanted to park where he wanted to park.

BeadedBubbles · 09/02/2024 15:52

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 15:41

@Ohlookwhoitis you're just dreaming up that he was getting important test results though, or worried or anxious about something.

How do we know that he wasn't there just to pick up a prescription or something?

I think that was directed at me.

But the whole point is you DON'T know why he was there!

IggOrEgg · 09/02/2024 15:53

HaddawayAndShite · 09/02/2024 15:02

So we have a man who has almost hit someone and a child with his car and who assaulted 2 women, one holding a child and OP is the problem? Fucking hell, I'd be calling the police if anyone laid hands on me in a public place, especially one that has his details on record and likeoy CCTV of the incident.

This!! Okay so maybe op didn’t need to say anything in the building but wtf, he was a million percent the one in the wrong! Fucking knobhead.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:57

ilovesooty · 09/02/2024 12:08

A repeat incident might result in your being removed from the doctor's list. At least you realise that you have a problem you need to address.

Yes I realised that could happen after. Not sure if he got banned. I had to write a statement.

OP posts:
Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:58

ilovesooty · 09/02/2024 12:08

A repeat incident might result in your being removed from the doctor's list. At least you realise that you have a problem you need to address.

Yes I realised that could happen after. Not sure if he got banned. I had to write a statement.

OP posts:
Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:58

Goalandgate · 09/02/2024 15:41

What on earth did the man do wrong prior to the OP insulting him repeatedly? Please point out where I am wrong here? She repeatedly made comments to a stranger who actually hadn't done anything wrong, he then pushed her. He of course shouldn't have pushed her but I am right in what I said, she put her baby and herself in danger because she couldn't let a stranger stand in GP queue in peace when he had done NOTHING wrong apart from try to park in an empty space, then moved to another space without any drama.

"He shouldn't have pushed her but but but"...

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 15:59

Barrenfieldoffucks · 09/02/2024 12:15

It sounds a little like you let the red mist descend and get all bolshy, but when others react poorly you don't know when to let it go but feel hard done by...a rational person treated poorly. However, perhaps reacting in the way you do isn't as rational as you think it is, and you are coming across as more aggressive than you intended. That's not to say either of the people you approached should have reacted the way they did, but perhaps you need to consider your approach and whether it is as calm and non-aggressive as you think it is?

True.body language also a factor I guess.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 09/02/2024 15:59

@Namechangey23 a technique I use to stop myself losing my temper is to be very polite. I know it sounds lame but I focus all my attention on it.

Losing my temper is unproductive and makes me feel awful. Being ultra polite means I am doing something rather than just letting angry feelings wash over me.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 16:00

LadyKenya · 09/02/2024 15:48

Having that sort of attitude would mean nothing if the OP, and her child had ended up sprawled on the floor of the Gp surgery, would it?

So say nothing, ever? Tip toe through life?

saraclara · 09/02/2024 16:00

Do you want people to forgive your mistakes? Then do so in others and protect your kids better by stopping escalating with strangers.

Seriously, OP, have you never made a mistake when driving? How would you have felt if the other person had yelled at you, bashed on your car, and then (after it was over) confronted you publically, sarcastically and rudely?

I think I'm quite an assertive person, but at the same time, I can put myself in the other person's shoes and know when is the time to say something, and when is the time to write it off to someone's momentary error that they're probably kicking themselves for anyway.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 16:01

messybutfun · 09/02/2024 12:34

There is a certain type of person with a compulsion to park closest to the supermarket (doctors) entrance which means spending 5min reversing into the narrowest space whilst everyone else who took the first free space at the end of the car park is already down Isle 3!

Haha actually yes to be fair that was the end closest to the surgery. And before anyone says it he was walking just fine and with a woman who's appt it was. She did try to stop him.

OP posts:
Goalandgate · 09/02/2024 16:03

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 15:58

"He shouldn't have pushed her but but but"...

He would not have pushed her if she hadn't argued with him. This is factually correct. It's not an excuse. Therefore OP put her and her child in danger to prove a point. I stand by what I said & am glad I don't need to argue with every single person I think has done wrong or 'needs to be called out' it must be so exhausting.
For what it's worth I absolutely do not condone male violence & was in a household with domestic violence from a young age. Perhaps that's why I think for the sake of yourself and your own safety you shouldn't antagonise strangers over trivial things- for your OWN safety.

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 16:04

saraclara · 09/02/2024 16:00

Do you want people to forgive your mistakes? Then do so in others and protect your kids better by stopping escalating with strangers.

Seriously, OP, have you never made a mistake when driving? How would you have felt if the other person had yelled at you, bashed on your car, and then (after it was over) confronted you publically, sarcastically and rudely?

I think I'm quite an assertive person, but at the same time, I can put myself in the other person's shoes and know when is the time to say something, and when is the time to write it off to someone's momentary error that they're probably kicking themselves for anyway.

If i'd nearly run someone over i'd be apologising, not walking off, getting defensive when pulled up and then assaulting the woman i'd already nearly just injured on the car park.

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 16:05

I cannot fathom how people are DEFENDING someone who nearly ran the OP and her Child over, TWICE, then physically assaulted them.

IggOrEgg · 09/02/2024 16:05

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 16:04

If i'd nearly run someone over i'd be apologising, not walking off, getting defensive when pulled up and then assaulting the woman i'd already nearly just injured on the car park.

And the poor receptionist, an innocent bystander. What a peach!

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 16:06

and would people seriously expect someone getting their child out of the car, to stop, shut the door, let you park, then carry on?

Bullshit.

You'd stop, wait while they finished getting their kid out the car, then finish parking... not keep reversing an nearly run them over.

FindingMeno · 09/02/2024 16:06

Certain things make me lose my shit, but I'm getting better as I get older ( and wiser?) if that's any help.

LadyKenya · 09/02/2024 16:07

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 16:00

So say nothing, ever? Tip toe through life?

Call it what you will, but I know one thing for sure, when I go about my business I have one aim, and that is to get home in one piece, if I have anything to do with it. You have no idea how another person is going to react, to what may seem reasonable to yourself. I have let many things go in order to preserve my safety. Having a young child, and challenging people is never a good idea.