For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

They both escalated it. She escalated it by being verbally aggressive, then he further escalated it by physically pushing two women.

Two people are responsible for their behaviour here. The man was being a dick, and is responsible for his own actions, and how he chose to react in that situation. The posts blaming the OP for "basically causing" the assault are terrifying: pushing was the man's decision and the man's fault.

Likewise, choosing to react in a verbally aggressive and confrontational way was the OP's decision. She's responsible for her own behaviour and her own reactions. At least she's being self aware enough to come on here, rethink her behaviour and wonder how she can start to do things differently. Hopefully that will start to break a generational cycle of aggression (I would guess).

Do we think the man is currently online somewhere, asking advice about how to change his behaviour? Yeah, no.

Yes it's annoying when somebody wants to park next to you, but it's not worth ending up in a scuffle - people die regularly because aggressive people can disagree peaceably. Three people have already died because of parking and road rage this year alone and it's only February.

OP let her understandable protectiveness over her son and her bonkers possessiveness over the territory of the parking space drive her to silly regrettable behaviour. As the saying goes "fuck around and find out".

It’s of course not the Ops fault that the man pushed her. His actions are his and he was absolutely wrong. It’s also understandable that she was upset by his actions. We can’t control other peoples actions or prevent other people from be aggressive.

However we can act in ways that escalate a situation or deescalate a situation. In this situation op escalated it and chose to do that with her child near by. She had a choice to walk away with her child or to shout back and escalate the situation. If you regularly act in ways that escalate situations to arguments then you probably do need to have a think about how you deal with things. Normal people rarely have shouting matching in public spaces. If it’s happening regularly and op knows she contributes the situations she’s been in then clearly she is right to put thought into changing how she approaches things.

So you gobbed off, picked a fight you couldn't finish (in front of your child!) and someone else got assaulted trying to break you up? Stellar role modelling there.

Yes he was wrong but you chose to carry on the fight. Doesn't matter how much he pissed you off. Do you know that is what all abusive people say. 'It was their fault because they pissed me off.' No. YOU are responsible for your own behaviour. You acted like a yob and made a right show of yourself. You need to grow up and set a better example for your kids.

Another mouthy arse here. The world needs mouthy arses, imo, to call out all the CFs.

And the people who are undermining ops own admirable ownership of her behaviour by saying "but look at the man!" Are part of the problem.

No. Explosive? You're being very dramatic. You actually are the one that sounds unstable. Are you scared of everything?

Sorry this happened to you. I can be mouthy, but because of how dangerous people, particularly men can be I an a lot bore careful now. So while he absolutely shouldn't have pushed anyone, unfortunately it's quite predictable men will react like this. So for your safety I'd keep yourself in check in future.

Also most suvs, however cheap are a bit big for parking spaces.

@nonumbersinthisname totally agree with this advice. You need to let go of control. You can't control other people or how they behave. You can only control how you respond.

It is also important to bear in mind that you have no idea what is going on in other people's lives which makes them behave the way they do.

I remember I was once walking around a supermarket in a daze as a family member was dying, I had hardly slept and I could barely function. I bumped into someone accidentally and got a harsh word. It made me cry, right there and then in a supermarket. It was at the time of masking and I was so grateful for the mask.

Advice I received that I try and live by (not always successfully) is 'whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it'

When I do this the outcome is always so much better than if I fight it or try to change it.

@Woodenwonder this is hardly just someone wanting to 'park next to' the OP. He almost reversed right into her while she was trying to get her child out of the car. To me, that is outrageous

I have this OP. I cannot let something go if I think there has been an injustice. It's particularly hard if I feel my children have been treated badly. Anyway - this article resonated with me, I don't know if it might help you. I'm not suggesting that you have ADHD, but some people are more sensitive to injustice and have a much stronger reaction to it.

I wish I could let things go and shrug things off, believe me it would be better for me, but I can get quite fixated if I feel someone has behaved dishonestly and can't seem to let it go.

https://www.additudemag.com/why-am-i-so-sensitive-adhd-in-adults/

The best tip would of been to have a word with the receptionist here and advice that the doctor may wish to refer the gentleman for an eye test as his vision is clearly failing as he nearly drove into you.

Yes agree. I would have been happy with even a half hearted sorry! I think it was the fact he nearly wiped us out and said nothing at all that incensed me..

“Wow. This thread is insane. It's NOT the OPs fault that the man was aggressive. We shouldn't have to tip toe through life so as not to upset the men.” Being mouthy is just that. I don’t believe people are mouthy with everyone- just a select few.

When you have a baby or someone else with you, are you are happy to put them at risk? As long as you can say ooh I won. It’s risky behaviour. Some people won’t care who they hurt.

This man could have said fuck off and punched OP in the face! Gotten hold of her child, who knows.

He clearly didn’t react rationally. Things could’ve been a lot worse. I’d be mortified my sarcastic remark caused this debacle.

Outrageous is a strong word. But maybe you are like OP and prone to overreaction.

Maybe he has bad eyesight or bad depth perception so parking next to another car helps him cue it up. Maybe he's had bad health news and isn't feeling quite with it.

Luckily turns out, op wasn't mown down after all, close one!

Shit happens and most people are not inherently trying to spoil your day. Particularly at a drs I'd be finding extra patience and particularly for older people.

I can be a bit like this. I got into a full on row in Lidl with a man who was putting his shopping on the conveyor when I still had half a trolley, I knew there wouldn't be enough space so I asked him to wait (politely) but he was absolutely spoiling for an argument and started having a go at me and called me 'silly girl' so I saw red. I had my DS with me who was about 7. Stupid of me really as he was a big man with a proper attitude problem and the security guy came to check I was ok getting in to the car!!

However in the situation you describe I would have restrained myself to dirty looks TBH. No point starting something after the fact.

Haha... Oh dear. I have wondered for some time if I might have ADHD as everything else fits and the impulsiveness fits, I have changed jobs on a feeling of injustice before, it wasn't even my injustice but someone elses! I have told myself it's just a fad because I hate labels. But I look at my dad and my eldest son and we are all the same... I am also extremely disorganised, forgetful and lack time management. I definitely feel like I have to right a wrong!

What's your excuse for him assaulting the receptionist?

Don't get me wrong I can bring out my Don Logan as well as the next menopausal woman, but I'd be surprised if I used my womenly put down powers on an old man at the drs!

The ADHD link is interesting. My dd is waiting for an assessment and she has this. Just yesterday at school she had a big argument because someone cut in the line. She can’t let anything go ever.

No I'm sorry I'm usually for standing up for yourself etc but you choose your battles when your baby is there ffs.

Truthfully? There's a big part of the story missing there in the middle don't you think? They have a cross word and next thing the receptionist has left her desk (that never happens) and is round the other side and then the old 70+ man pushes EVERYBODY.

What would lead someone to do that? Either aggression or fear. Seeing as he was not the aggressor maybe it's fear?

We need the full story really don't we

Ha ha. Ok - well there we go. A strong sense of injustice, plus impulsiveness and potentially some emotional disregulation can be quite the heady mix!

That's a little harsh. I can be firey I admit but I'm not the one who did the pushing here! Fully capable adult here no need for social services. I suspect I need to pick my battles and temper my version of 'assertiveness' but I don't think that's an offence for having my child taken off me...