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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 09/02/2024 18:54

No one should be putting their hands on anybody else. He had no excuse for that. But stop starting arguments and shouting at people like with the old man in the surgery.

You were the aggressor there.

Princesspollyyy · 09/02/2024 18:55

sakura06 · 09/02/2024 18:51

Pushing you is assault. Pushing the receptionist is assault. I can't believe someone would do this when you had a baby with you. What a horrible man. You should report the assault to the police.

The OP was the one that instigated it all! The poor elderly man realised his mistake and parked elsewhere, it should have ended there!

The OP decided to carry on inside the surgery!! How embarrassing and quite frankly disgusting behaviour. Everyone makes mistakes.

The OP needs to control her behaviour in public.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 09/02/2024 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request

Exactly. To me it's just further proof that he's a nob.

Checken · 09/02/2024 18:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 18:56

The OP never said she shouted at him in the Surgery, she asked him a question, and then HE chose to turn it into an argument rather than apologise.. it ended in him SHOVING her and the receptionist.

She shouted at him IN the carpark because he was IN HIS CAR and reversing towards her.

Again, if you don't shout/raise your voice in that situation, how do you expect the person IN the car to hear you?

Checken · 09/02/2024 18:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 18:59

People need to stop excusing a grown ass man escalating a verbal altercation by PUSHING someone.

crackofdoom · 09/02/2024 19:00

For anyone who has ever wondered why some women don't fight back when attacked by men, pretty much all the answers are in this thread.

"Shouting and screaming", "best to say nothing", "what if they have a weapon", "how could you do that in front of your child", "did you not consider the man's feelings", "you provoked him into physically attacking you", "not normal". And on, and on, and on.....

Be nice, quiet and ladylike. Don't put your head above the parapet, don't answer back, be as sweet and compliant as you possibly can be, and maybe, just maybe, if you're nice enough to them, then they won't hurt you 😡

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 19:00

Princesspollyyy · 09/02/2024 18:55

The OP was the one that instigated it all! The poor elderly man realised his mistake and parked elsewhere, it should have ended there!

The OP decided to carry on inside the surgery!! How embarrassing and quite frankly disgusting behaviour. Everyone makes mistakes.

The OP needs to control her behaviour in public.

I've never assaulted anybody by 'mistake', never mind 2 people. Have you?

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 19:00

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/02/2024 18:54

Anyone besides me wondering about the time between the specsavers/suv comments and the pushing?

Maybe it’s just me but the initial parking lot interaction was chock full of details but the waiting room altercation appeared to have gone from 0-60 in no time.

I’d imagine there was a lot to get the receptionist involved in the first place.

"fading facts"

As they say

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/02/2024 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whatistheworld · 09/02/2024 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Snuggleyou · 09/02/2024 19:03

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

The way he reacted inside the doctors ie victim blaming because of your choice of car like it justifies his irresponsible driving and then pushing you with babe in arms, not to mention the completely neutral receptionist who was only trying to diffuse the situation, well it says everything about the man he is. I can’t believe women on here are defending him, just because he’s elderly doesn’t mean he’s a precious little honourable saint, misogynists, rapists, wife beaters, pedophiles, serial killers all grow old if lucky. Who’s to say he doesn’t go home and give his wife a dig in the face if she dares to stand up to him. I bet he wouldn’t dare react that way to a man though.

Ruralrules · 09/02/2024 19:04

I grew up with a Mother who behaved like this and it was so embarrassing.She used to confront and antagonise people whilst usually being on the verge of tears.I wouldn't want any other child to suffer that.

Checken · 09/02/2024 19:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/02/2024 19:06

No poor you,diddums from me. You’re appallingly behaved argumentative and too easily riled. Can’t believe your getting the head tilt and poor you
Staff had to intervene and they got assaulted.
learn to manage your impulsivity and don’t be so provocative in your responses, yes so you just said… well don’t. Develop an inner monologue and self control

Vivi0 · 09/02/2024 19:07

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 18:25

No she didn't approach him with the Specsavers comment. Have you not even read the opening OP?

so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room

I didn’t say that she approached him with the Specsavers comment.

I said that she approached him in a confrontational manner (which I consider to be the “you do realise” comment) and told him that he should go to Specsavers.

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 19:07

OP.

Things to learn from this thread.

Let Men run you over.
Never stand in a space A Man wants.
Never speak to A Man who nearly ran you over.

Snuggleyou · 09/02/2024 19:08

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 14:51

Outrageous is a strong word. But maybe you are like OP and prone to overreaction.

Maybe he has bad eyesight or bad depth perception so parking next to another car helps him cue it up. Maybe he's had bad health news and isn't feeling quite with it.

Luckily turns out, op wasn't mown down after all, close one!

Shit happens and most people are not inherently trying to spoil your day. Particularly at a drs I'd be finding extra patience and particularly for older people.

And if he would of succeeded in winning is parking space at the cost of a woman and babies lives you would be looking at this very differently.

Vivi0 · 09/02/2024 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request

I haven’t seen anyone say that. I’ve seen posters attempt to imply that from people pointing out that the OP’s own aggressive behaviour wasn’t acceptable either.

Naptrappedmummy · 09/02/2024 19:09

I disagree with posts about you ‘standing up for yourself’, he tried to park in a free space and parked in another when he realised you were in it. He probably just wasn’t paying attention, everyone has ‘oh shit’ driving moments. Yes he was an arsehole to push the receptionist.

Your rage sounds utterly out of control, and I feel sorry for your poor DS witnessing his mother shouting and screaming like that. That must’ve been really frightening for him. Everyone loses their cool like that once or twice in life but to be honest you sound quite mentally unstable.

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 19:09

@Woodenwonder "Maybe he has bad eyesight or bad depth perception"

Maybe he shouldn't be driving then.

Naptrappedmummy · 09/02/2024 19:10

YuleDragon · 09/02/2024 19:07

OP.

Things to learn from this thread.

Let Men run you over.
Never stand in a space A Man wants.
Never speak to A Man who nearly ran you over.

Edited

What hyperbolic rubbish.

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 19:11

Snuggleyou · 09/02/2024 19:08

And if he would of succeeded in winning is parking space at the cost of a woman and babies lives you would be looking at this very differently.

Oh shush and go join an am dram club with those theatrics 😆

LadyKenya · 09/02/2024 19:11

I would be interested in hearing the receptionist side of the story. Why were the Police not called? I would have thought that would have been the case.