To be upset my mum wants to get my wedding photos edited?

[riotlady]

I got married a couple of years ago and we had a really lovely photographer who is old friends with my husband so kindly gave us a discount (still not cheap though, obviously!) and we were really happy with the results.

My parents don’t like having photos up in the house but asked us for a photobook which I said I would sort out, but now they’ve changed their mind and said they want to send a our wedding photos to a family member to edit them for them. Apparently he’s already done one for them to make it “better”, which feels a little rude to be honest. Family member has a photography style that I don’t really enjoy (a little cheesy if that makes sense- the sort where he’ll put everything in black and white but leave a little girls dress pink) whereas our photographer was more of a natural documentary style.

Fair enough that it’s not my parents style and not what they would have chosen, but they’re my wedding pictures and I really like them! It feels a bit disrespectful to our photographer and to us. Initially I said yes that’s fine (as I usually do with my mum) but now I feel quite reluctant about it. Not sure if I’m being precious and I should let them get on with it or if it’s a fair thing to object to.

If it was just going on someone's wall or in a photo album, then I really wouldn't give a toss.

If it was used for profit or in the media then that's different.

I've had photos published before btw.

I’m with others here. She’s proposing that a third party edit someone elses’ photos. I would tell her that your photographers’ contract doesn’t allow it. In fact, come to think of it, wouldn’t your own photographer have to give permission anyway ? After all, it was his commission and it’s his work they’re proposing to alter. I think the suggestion that they ask other guests for copies of photos taken independently is a good one - they should leave your wedding photos alone, they represent your big day as you wanted it recorded.

Why shouldn't they do that? Maybe they really liked some photos that didn't make the cut to your album?

I don’t mind them choosing any photos they like for an album, either to make themselves or for me to make for them, it’s the actual editing of the pictures that I don’t like the idea of.

Did they pay for some of this wedding? Because she's acting pretty entitled.

I might be in the minority here but I don't see what the issue is. They would be her copes - not hanging in your house.

Why does it matter?

Yes, they gave us £1000 towards the wedding and took us on holiday afterwards (which I realise doesn’t sound very romantic but we had a toddler at the time so a holiday with my parents in tow was much more relaxing than one without!)

Usually wedding photographers will retain copyright of the images, or will charge more to pass that copyright onto the client.

If you don't have explicit permissions to alter the images, then that is a straight easy no.

If you do, I don't really see the harm in your mother having them edited for her own use. I mean, you don't have to look at them.

Because as lots of people have said, you are generally not allowed to do this.

Is this type of micro aggression typical of your parents?

For my graduation photos I bought the package of photos I wanted and had a plan of who to give each size too. My mum took it upon herself to give her picture to my nan and then moaned endlessly about how I didn't buy her one. My nan was getting a photo just not the biggest photo which was marked for my parents. 6 months later my mum decides on a solution....she will do an oil painting of my graduation photo and put that on her wall. I promptly bought her another one.i had as she is prone to throwing a strop and making things about her so I do make sure I stand up for my views more with her compared to my MIL for example who by and large takes our needs into account. In this situation with my mother it would be a hell no and with other people I would be more engage in the conversation probably settling on a no

It is rude but your wedding was 2 years ago? Maybe she's fed up of waiting.

Mostly, I'd find this funny. Like the fact that from our wedding photos, MIL has multiple photos up of DH, her and her DC (Dh, SIL, BIL) and DGC but I think there's only one that actually includes me! I just roll my eyes.

I'd find it LESS funny, if she presented you with the newly edited photos as a gift in a sort of "I have now improved your photos and you should be grateful to me" kind of way. Similarly if she was splashing them all over social media or something.

I'd let ber have a couple of her but normal of them. I have a beautiful photo I took of my children in the bluebells, colours of flowers are gorgeous and also shows the colour of their eyes well. My MIL printed it out in black and white and framed it. I haven't said anything but think it's weird, she has plenty of colour photographs around it! If there's a particularly nice one now I just print it for her (in colour!)

My mother saw the photographs from my wedding and decided there were not enough of her and her outfit. She called me and said that she'd been speaking to MIL and they'd decided that everyone needed to go back and restage the wedding with the photographer so they could get some better photos. Of them.

I shit you not. This wasn't the only stunt she pulled but it was the memorable photography related one.

I tell you this to illustrate that some women are who are already a bit batshit are driven futher into the abyss by the wedding of their daughter, and the only way to deal with this is to say no that won't be happening, you'll get over it in time.

You mention that you usually say yes to her, I sense this is probably not the only thing she's done that's caused you to raise an eyebrow.

My mother saw the photographs from my wedding and decided there were not enough of her and her outfit. She called me and said that she'd been speaking to MIL and they'd decided that everyone needed to go back and restage the wedding with the photographer so they could get some better photos. Of them.

Bonkers!

They sound like kindred spirits though

It's disrespectful taking someone else's work and messing with it. The photographer spent hours shooting, then days or weeks of careful editing, making choices about the style/feel of their work etc. Photography is art isn't it, you wouldn't colour in someone's painting so it was more to your taste?

I wouldn’t call it a microacgression because I don’t think she actually means anything bad, it’s just that if there’s something she wants or she feels a certain way, she doesn’t necessarily get how other people might be feeling. For your graduation example- my mum didn’t actually come to mine. I went to her and said that I was considering inviting my biological dad but that I wouldn’t do it if it would make her uncomfortable because she was the one I wanted there the most. She said the suggestion that he might be invited “ruined the day for her” so she wouldn’t come.

I don’t want to paint her in too bad a light because she has lots of good points and does a lot for us (we barely cooked after our first was born she dropped round that many dinners) but equally if I went to any of my friends and told them this story they would absolutely go “oh yes, that sounds like your mum!”

That’s horrid OP. Your mother had her turn with her wedding photos. These are yours, and she’s no business controlling how they “should” look.

No. It's completely disrespectful to you and the photographer. I would be really annoyed if my mum (or anyone) did this to wedding photos that we commissioned and paid for. And that's assuming I owned the copyright - do you own the copyright? Is it even allowed?

It was rude to suggest it. Tell them no.

This is insane! Weddings really do drive people mad.

My Granny told me she was very proud of the hat she wore to my wedding and when I made her an album would I please include as many photos of her in The Hat as possible, which I thought was very endearing!

Absolutely bizarre... but I find the fetishization of weddings bizarre anyway.

I mean I'd let her do what she wants with her own copies if she's that bothered by it, you can't exactly stop her. What a weird thing to do, though.

Micro aggressions might not be the right word but that doesn't sound too far from the mark from your reply. It sounds like she knows exactly when to highlight her feelings to get you to change your mind.
Everyone has their own special mix of predominantly good characteristics and their own sprinkles of spice that everyone else has to tolerate!

Its a bit annoying but not worth making a big fuss about. Just let them get on with it.

It does sound irritating and unnecessary but I think I’d just let her get on with it.

The graduation thing you mentioned is far worse in my opinion - wow!

It’s illegal to edit profession photos without a direct permission from the photographer so any photographer willing to do this isn’t behaving well.