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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate him with a passion?

379 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/02/2024 16:56

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

OP posts:
CanNeverThinkOfAName · 08/02/2024 23:32

Are you sure the money will go straight into your bank account or will it be paid as a cheque.

If it is going to go straight into your bank account, what are the legal consequences if you pay the mortgage off straight away and don’t give him half? That he could get a CCJ against you and later be a debtor to your estate?

Would that stand up if it can be proven he didn’t contribute to the house or policy? Could he get a charge made against the house and force it to be sold when your DD is an adult?

Even if so, dependent on any excessive costs which may be incurred by your family fighting it, I think I’d pay off the mortgage and make him fight for it and admit in court that he wants to profit from your death despite not paying towards the policy and leave his own child without a home after the loss of her mum. Hopefully the embarrassment of admitting that will make him think twice.

The outcome will be the same as now if he gets a CCJ, that there will be a shortfall on the mortgage of £30k so someone will have to get a loan/mortgage to cover that to keep the house. Maybe one of your adult children who will be a beneficiary of the house later on if it comes to it?

Obviously you don’t need any of this stress and it would probably be easier to give in but I’d make it my mission to not make it easy for him but I’m not in your situation.

So sorry OP, the man is an disgrace of a human being.

anothermnuser123 · 08/02/2024 23:33

MissRheingold · 08/02/2024 17:49

There was post about this exact situation a few years ago.

The lady also had cancer and her ex husband was going to benefit from half of a policy he had long stopped paying into.

I was just coming to say this, I swear I read this same post about a year ago

Angelsrose · 08/02/2024 23:42

Op I truly wish you the best and hope that your ex-H doesn't get a penny. Such awful behaviour from him.

TigerJoy · 08/02/2024 23:49

CanNeverThinkOfAName · 08/02/2024 23:32

Are you sure the money will go straight into your bank account or will it be paid as a cheque.

If it is going to go straight into your bank account, what are the legal consequences if you pay the mortgage off straight away and don’t give him half? That he could get a CCJ against you and later be a debtor to your estate?

Would that stand up if it can be proven he didn’t contribute to the house or policy? Could he get a charge made against the house and force it to be sold when your DD is an adult?

Even if so, dependent on any excessive costs which may be incurred by your family fighting it, I think I’d pay off the mortgage and make him fight for it and admit in court that he wants to profit from your death despite not paying towards the policy and leave his own child without a home after the loss of her mum. Hopefully the embarrassment of admitting that will make him think twice.

The outcome will be the same as now if he gets a CCJ, that there will be a shortfall on the mortgage of £30k so someone will have to get a loan/mortgage to cover that to keep the house. Maybe one of your adult children who will be a beneficiary of the house later on if it comes to it?

Obviously you don’t need any of this stress and it would probably be easier to give in but I’d make it my mission to not make it easy for him but I’m not in your situation.

So sorry OP, the man is an disgrace of a human being.

Thank you, another MNer has given clear and detailed instructions on why it might work to just pay off the mortgage and make him sue you for the money.

He might not have the appetite for a prolonged legal battle.

I like the idea of making him fight for it, rather than you doing the fighting.

Cazpar · 08/02/2024 23:51

SkySecret · 08/02/2024 22:41

I’m guessing this was simply life cover taken out on a joint basis, therefore the two policyholders would be the beneficiaries unless otherwise stated or put into trust. They aren’t actually linked to mortgages or mortgage providers. That’s where you’ve sadly made the mistake, in not having this in trust for your daughter, or simply scrapping the policy and getting one just in your name. In fact, it’s usually possible to change them to single life insured from joint (I used to work for a life insurance company).

What an absolutely awful situation from start to finish. So sorry to read this 😞

Agreed. It's an awful situation, but sadly I think he is technically in the right. Even though he's being an arsehole about it. The point to correct this was years ago when he said he wanted to be taken off the policy.

Edited to add: I don't know how much it would cost you or your daughter to fight this, but I'd honestly be weighing up the stress and cost of this vs the stress and cost of fighting it in court. Not nice to contemplate, but sometimes you have to put emotion to one side and try to be pragmatic.

Throwawayme · 09/02/2024 00:01

I'm so sorry. I hate him too! Please do set up a go fund me as others have suggested. Id gladly share it and donate 💐

XFiler · 09/02/2024 00:10

So sorry OP…I’d keep it and break the law, let him fight for it! Best of luck op

sanferryanne · 09/02/2024 00:12

I'd be tempted to just pay off the mortgage in full as suggested above. What a disgrace of a human being he is.

WaitingforSpring24 · 09/02/2024 00:17

I’d be tempted not to play ball either. Ask a solicitor, say to them, ‘if in theory I don’t pay the money, what is going to happen?’

He’s lost BIG time though. Believe me, he will regret this. You may not see it, but it will happen as the impact of his decision has not hit him yet.

Don’t let all of ‘that’ near you and your family. Decide what to do about the money. Whatever it is. Feel your anger. But also, draw a big circle around you and your family and have absolutely zero to do with him from now, no text, email zero. Nothing. Make lovely memories and times with your loved ones.

Your love for your daughter will last forever, she will keep that in her heart, she will pass that love onto her grandkids, she will talk about you with such love.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/02/2024 00:19

Let him take his grimy £30k but plaster it all over the local news. Your poor daughter. Hopefully his conscience will catch up.

Rachie1973 · 09/02/2024 00:20

I can’t offer any legal help, but I hate him for you too. What a snot faced little cunt.

trippily · 09/02/2024 00:20

Jesus Christ. Do you have a local paper? Can you get it printed as a "warning to others" story. In the public interest. Even if it didn't name him people would find out. Ruin his life the prick.

Cazpar · 09/02/2024 00:22

trippily · 09/02/2024 00:20

Jesus Christ. Do you have a local paper? Can you get it printed as a "warning to others" story. In the public interest. Even if it didn't name him people would find out. Ruin his life the prick.

Except it's not in the public interest and as he's in the right (technically/legally) he'd have a very strong case to sue her for defamation/harassment.

It's an appalling idea. Think about it for 5 seconds.

Bournetilly · 09/02/2024 00:30

He’s disgusting, choosing money over a relationship with his daughter. Horrible man. Thankfully she has her stepfather to live with.

NCA24 · 09/02/2024 00:36

I would pay the house and let him sue. Sometimes the good people have to play the game

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 09/02/2024 00:42

It’s so shitty and I too despise hit. BUT if your family can manage money wise I’d be conscious about wasting time on this that could be better spent on making memories with your family- especially if ultimately it is unlikely to lead to the outcome you would like.
if you di decide to pursue the publicity angle.m, rather than take the angle about a shitty exh , I do it as a warning to others who are likely in the same situation thinking they’ve got insurance in place which wouldn’t pay out as expected.
good luck!

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/02/2024 00:43

Most posters dread the Daily Mail getting hold of their story.....this one otoh would be brilliant, just saying.

sandyhappypeople · 09/02/2024 00:59

There was a similar thread, but different circumstances to your OP, and there was a knowledgeable poster on there who used to underwrite insurance claims, maybe they could offer some insight?

Critical illness cover question | Mumsnet

Poster was @SpidersAreShitheads

I'm absolutely furious on your behalf, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but my best advice would be to let it go, from just a rudimentary search it seems that he is entitled to 'his half' of the money, divorce doesn't mean anything unless there's a separation clause and it is activated within a certain time. By all means get advice, but don't spend the precious time you've got left raging at this idiot, and throwing good money after bad, he'll either do the right thing off his own back or he won't, I doubt you'll make him change his mind by force. But he's got to live with that decision ultimately and people WILL hate him for it. The half of the money you're expecting will go a long way to giving your daughter security. But no amount of money is going to replace you, so try not to let him taint the time you've got left.

You can always pray that some fatal accident will befall him before you claim and you'll be entitled to ALL the money then. Fingers crossed!

Critical illness cover question | Mumsnet

Hi This is slightly complicated. My estranged husband and I still have a joint property and it's a joint mortgage. When we bought it in 2006...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/property/4817805-critical-illness-cover-question

LittleMissSleepyUK · 09/02/2024 01:04

What an absolute arsehole

barkymcbark · 09/02/2024 01:11

You know what, in your shoes op when the money arrives I'd pay off the mortgage and let him try and get the money off you. Let him tie himself in knots over it and enjoy what time you have left with your family.

Domino20 · 09/02/2024 01:16

FancyJapflack · 08/02/2024 17:39

I’d be tempted to kill him.

Me too.

SleepingBeautySnores · 09/02/2024 01:22

You say that if you don't give him 'his' half, you'll be breaking the law OP. Well I think in your situation, I'd be tempted to do just that! Not to put too fine a point on it, but by the time it ever got to Court, I would have thought (very sadly) that you will have died (I'm SO sorry), but I'd let this bastard spend his money chasing your Estate for 'HIS' share, and then tell your current DH, to go to the papers with the story. He is a scumbag of the lowest order, and doesn't deserve a single penny, what an absolute arsehole!! I am absolutely OUTRAGED at your story, and so desperately sorry that you find yourself in this position. I don't often mention religion, especially on MN, but God bless you and your poor daughter OP. I just hope that your current DH has treated you with the love and respect that you deserve, and that any treatments you have aren't too gruelling for you.

SuperGreens · 09/02/2024 01:25

Dont give him the money pay off the mortgage as soon as you get it. Dont engage with him again over it all. Let him take you to court, Im not sure that it would be worth it for him financially. And see if he has the balls to stand in front of a judge and explain what he is doing, what he thinks his rights are. In my experience the saying that possession is 9/10 of the law is often true.

LouOver · 09/02/2024 01:28

Joining the chorus to publicly shame him and I mean seriously gun's blazing over social media, local paper. Hell I'd put letter through his neighbours doors (don't do that last one)

Daily mail if your reading this please pick this up and get the ball rolling so op can then share it locally in groups.

Nagado · 09/02/2024 01:32

I’m so incredibly sorry that you’re having to deal with this awful excuse for a man when you should be able to have peace.

I think I’d be inclined to find out whether he could force a sale of the house if you just didn’t give it to him. If not, then just don’t give it to him. Fob him off for a while to delay things then tell him to whistle for it. What’s he going to do? And if he can force a sale of the house, is he prepared to house a sixteen year old who, understandably, hates him and his entire family?