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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate him with a passion?

379 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/02/2024 16:56

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

OP posts:
Christmaslights21 · 09/02/2024 01:34

@HelpIcantfindaname he is scum. I am so sorry. 💐

L0bstersLass · 09/02/2024 01:57

Good grief this is horrendous. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.
Your ex-husband is a disgrace of a human being.
I have no suggestions for improving the situation, other than to add to the other posters saying that they would donate to a Go Fund Me - I would too.
Sending love.

RogueFemale · 09/02/2024 02:32

@HelpIcantfindaname You say "As his name comes first on the policy all the post goes to him. I think the money will be paid to my account as I pay the premium each month & always have done. But I'd be breaking the law if I didn't give him his half."

So, the first step is to break the law and don't pay. Is he really going to sue his daughter for the money?

Wishing you all the best in this awful situation.

Josette77 · 09/02/2024 02:39

This is just disgusting. I am so sorry.

What a poor excuse for a human being. Horrifying.

NightSprite · 09/02/2024 02:41

It sounds like it's time for a new patio.

Treehugger22 · 09/02/2024 02:54

This is so horrible op, no advice but God some people are just greedy scum of the earth.

Badgerandfox227 · 09/02/2024 03:37

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this, your Ex is indeed a dick and deserves serious karma for what he’s putting g you through.

Did you go through a solicitor when you divorced? If so, and they did not make you aware of what would happen in the event of any joint life policies, I wonder if you could have a case against the solicitor you used - as in a case against them to compensate you for the money you’ve lost. Not sure how long that would take to get sorted, but might be an avenue you could explore if your ex does indeed get his hands on half the settlement.

MyopicBunny · 09/02/2024 03:47

What a vile POS he is. What a pathetic loser. I can't believe someone would be so evil.

@HelpIcantfindaname I'm so sorry about your prognosis - it's not fair.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2024 04:09

@HelpIcantfindaname Oh what an utter , utter SCROTE your ex husband sounds.

I’m so sorry you are going through all this stress that you absolutely don’t need at such a vulnerable time.
He really is a Scrote, the scummiest of the scummy

Your daughter is a lovely girl by the sounds of it.

How dare scrotey act like this.

I’m speechless.

Bless you and your family ( your little dog too) xx

Cornflakelover · 09/02/2024 05:05

Honestly if the money goes to you
break the law
it’s not like they can do anything to you
drag it out for 10 months

i wouldn’t tell the fucker that you got the money either

Newchapterbeckons · 09/02/2024 05:16

I just came on to say that.
Let the money come into your account. Spend every last penny quickly. Pre pay for dds driving lessons and uni account and anything else you need out of the 30k sit back and let him take you to court. I would absolutely love to see that happen in 10months or even 18 months.
You can stall any court appearances altogether by claiming you are too unwell to atrend. They could be adjourned indefinitely.

I have never advised anyone to break the law, but he is playing dirty so I would too.

I would cut contact altogether.

Block him on every platform.
Just send one last message that you have understood his position, it’s crystal clear, and will be in touch.
That should keep him quiet, and then never speak to him again. Refuse to ever speak to him again about anything.

He will eventually click, and I guess take legal advice which will be very costly. Good luck to him!!!! Because it will be extremely expensive taking you to court, and woll never happen in your time frame. The only silver lining I can see -

AshRJ · 09/02/2024 05:43

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/02/2024 16:56

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

So sorry to hear @HelpIcantfindaname just when you think life can’t suck enough..

I hate him and have not met him, so think you are allowed to hate him knowing everything he’s put and is still putting you through.

Haven’t read all the responses but I’m sure you’ve already done this but I would get together all the paperwork to show:

  1. you paying for all things related to mortgage
  2. you paying for all things related to your daughter
  3. any communication (written) you had that stated you both agreed to leave the house to your DD (if you don’t have this then maybe message him now and be clear on saying do you remember this was the plan, etc)
  4. if you haven’t and I’m sure you have update your will to give everything to your daughter with your SD as executor (if she’s underage)
  5. get him some bad publicity, get it in the papers and make sure you disguise his name but put your pic up (all his friends and decent family if he’s got any will know it’s him) (I’d check with the solicitors on this before going ahead)

I think the courts may see this was mostly done before you moved on with your life and it’s just something ‘you forgot to change’ but had every intention of doing, the tricky thing will be the mortgage insurance but if you prove you paid it, and the mortgage since (and before is a bonus), and only left him on in case something happened to you while you were single - that may swing in your favour.

He won’t be the first a**hole to suddenly see pound signs..

Littlegoth · 09/02/2024 05:45

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/02/2024 22:58

Thank you for all of your replies.

The backwards pineapple did make me laugh.

It was actually the lady from the insurance company who told me he is legally entitled to half. As his name comes first on the policy all the post goes to him. I think the money will be paid to my account as I pay the premium each month & always have done. But I'd be breaking the law if I didn't give him his half.

Back when he left I had the shock of him leaving, 2 weeks before the summer holidays & had to change my daughter to my school as I couldn't afford the childminder & he was no longer doing any school runs. The school I taught at is always over subscribed so it wasn't easy getting her in. He took the car so I had no transport at first either. 2 weeks later I discovered there was another woman. When I had been making plans for the summer hols with his sister she knew they'd never happen as she knew OW was coming to hers to live with ex H. (OW lived abroad so it had been an online affair until he left here. I knew nothing cos he spent all his time playing on his pc.)

Our dog died those hols too. DD did not settle well into my school, she had no friends & cried every day. I had to pay for counselling for her. Changing insurance policies was not high on my list of priorities. I know I should have done it later, & would have if I'd known he could have half. Our divorce came through during Covid & I did try then, but because I was overweight & it was Covid no-one would even insure me, so I kept that one.

DD will be 16 this year. Ex H wouldn't be able to get custody. He wouldn't want the responsibility anyway, he never has.

I'm in hospital for a procedure tomorrow & then it's chemo day on Saturday, but I'll be sorting out what I can when I can. The gofundme for a solicitor is a good idea. Also naming & shaming him, that has started. But if he's not bothered about losing his daughter over this he won't be bothered about losing his friend's.

So sorry this has happened to you.

This is going to sound incredibly mercenary but if I was in your shoes and the money came to me first, I would be using it to pay off the mortgage as intended and then let him take me to court over his share.

What can they do if you’ve used the money as you both intended? When you took out the policy you and your ex agreed to this - that’s a contract between you. The judge gets to decide whether you have to give him the money, considering that you did what was intended when taking out the policy.

I also had an insurance provider that put my ex husband’s name first on the policy even though mine came first alphabetically and I paid the premium. I asked whether it was due to him being a man, and if they felt this was appropriate for this day and age. My name came first on the next letter.

Marmalade100 · 09/02/2024 05:58

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I agree with so many others - break the law and keep it. Anything court and police related takes so long and who is honestly going to prosecute you when you have 10 months to live. I hope that doesn't sound blunt but you need to protect your child. He's not going to ❤

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/02/2024 06:09

anothermnuser123 · 08/02/2024 23:33

I was just coming to say this, I swear I read this same post about a year ago

Show quote history

I'm sure there was- including the same reason why the policy wasn't cancelled and a new one taken out.

Codlingmoths · 09/02/2024 06:10

I would tell his whole family and everyone you know - guaranteed he has spun it differently.
and ask a solicitor what happens if you just don’t pay- would he have to pursue legally for it? You’d be dead, after all. I’d think about making the fucker do that. Stand there in court and say I want to take the mortgage insurance to pay the house off for our kids if their mum died. I wouldn’t suggest Dh contest it beyond the bare minimum or waste any emotion on it, but make him work for it. Maybe he won’t…

Codlingmoths · 09/02/2024 06:11

Littlegoth · 09/02/2024 05:45

So sorry this has happened to you.

This is going to sound incredibly mercenary but if I was in your shoes and the money came to me first, I would be using it to pay off the mortgage as intended and then let him take me to court over his share.

What can they do if you’ve used the money as you both intended? When you took out the policy you and your ex agreed to this - that’s a contract between you. The judge gets to decide whether you have to give him the money, considering that you did what was intended when taking out the policy.

I also had an insurance provider that put my ex husband’s name first on the policy even though mine came first alphabetically and I paid the premium. I asked whether it was due to him being a man, and if they felt this was appropriate for this day and age. My name came first on the next letter.

Edited
Show quote history

This sounds solid, you might have a chance. I definitely think don’t pay the fucker.

Newchapterbeckons · 09/02/2024 06:16

You have nothing to lose letting the whole thing go to court. I doubt he will pay to lose the case, as it’s unlikely to even reach a first hearing in ten months.

Buffypaws · 09/02/2024 06:18

I’m team make him sue you for it. You have to play your advantages - he is playing his.
Do you think that when you pass and he has to sue his own bereaved child he’ll still carry on? Hopefully court will see your daughter as the intended beneficiary.

Commonhousewitch · 09/02/2024 06:29

If you had wanted to change the benefciary could you have done it without his consent? can you do it now?

Littlegoth · 09/02/2024 06:33

Also if he did actually take it to court I would definitely tip off the papers.

dailyduel · 09/02/2024 07:14

He really is the lowest of the low. I can’t offer any advice sadly but I’m on your side and hope you get some decent advice.

PurpleBugz · 09/02/2024 07:16

The wrong one of you is sick

Wishihadanalgorithm · 09/02/2024 07:18

He is a piece of work, isn’t he?

I’m so sorry and hope that you can get legal support for this.

ChocoChocoLatte · 09/02/2024 07:20

Christ, stage 4 cancer is an absolute shit show without this unscrupulous horror of a prince amongst men adding to your stress. Am so sorry for all you're going through.

Please stay strong for yourself and your DD, who sounds like an exceptional woman - all credit to you.

In case it helps at all, my prognosis was 2/3yrs and I just hit 5, they can get it wrong Flowers