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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate him with a passion?

379 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/02/2024 16:56

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 08/02/2024 19:16

I despise him. I think he's scum on earth. May you find an absolute dog of a solicitor that rips him a new one and may karma truly, truly do a number on him.

In the interim I would consider writing a letter to all of his nearest and dearest individually,signed and dated, outlining exactly what the runt has said and done. See how confident he is then.

Also I know you really shouldn't spend the time you have left dealing with this negativity but I would make sure you leave him absolutely scorched. Personally, I'd also come back and haunt the fucker.

welshcakes6 · 08/02/2024 19:17

Absolute scumbag!!! I don't say this often but I would 100% put into a go fund me for this to get an amazing solicitor on to it. I am so sorry I don't know what else to say 🥲

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/02/2024 19:20

Oh my god, what a complete piece of scum he is. I am so sorry OP. Your poor children.

barkymcbark · 08/02/2024 19:20

What a scum bag. If you can't do anything about it I'd let everyone know, I'd batter Facebook, instagram, TikTok and I'd contact the papers so they can all run a story on what this awful man has done. I'd have no problem with letting the world know what type of man he is

Mummyratbag · 08/02/2024 19:27

What an utter scumbag... some people have zero morals. As someone else said there was a very similar situation a year or so ago on here. Unfortunately. I think her only option was to cancel the policy so no one got anything, which would be pointless as at least your DD will get half. I'm so sorry for all you are going through. Get legal advice.

Blackcats7 · 08/02/2024 19:52

I am so sorry. What an utter shit.
I am in a similar position myself. I have stage 4 cancer and my abusive and unfaithful ex husband is going to benefit from a joint life insurance policy I took out twenty plus years ago. I had paid all the premiums.
I have tried everything to stop him, he knows this is against my will but I cannot cancel the policy without his consent.
I made a complaint to the financial ombudsman who decided they could not even consider my complaint without my ex husband’s consent because it is a joint policy.
I contacted a solicitor but could not afford the money or time this would take.
I tried shaming him to family and friends ( his parents already have no contact with him due to past behaviour) and got nowhere so it seems I just have to accept it.
Although I am not a believer in such things I am cursing every penny he gets (£100k) and hope he never knows a days happiness from it.
I hope you have more success than me in stopping your horrible ex.

LetsgoLego · 08/02/2024 19:56

If you got a financial order as part of your divorce he isn't entitled to a penny of any of your current finances. The policy will require specialist legal unpacking

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/02/2024 19:58

Have you called your mortgage provider and explained? It may be that you can add them as a beneficiary or first loss payee or something if it was taken out specifically for the mortgage

Daffodil18 · 08/02/2024 20:10

I’m so sorry for your diagnosis. He is awful. However if there really is nothing you can do then it might just have to be something you try to brush off. Given you don’t have much time left, you don’t want to waste it paying for solicitors. Because once they’re involved there’ll probably be nothing left.

coldcallerbaiter · 08/02/2024 20:18

OP also check out protecting what you leave your dd in case ex tries to get custody of her and takes the money off her somehow.

Are you leaving all the funds to dd and your bio children or to her stepfather? No offence meant but I would give everything to your children

Agree shaming him in front of everyone he knows would be a good thing to do regardless

Good luck with everything xx

PoisonMaple · 08/02/2024 20:23

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/02/2024 16:56

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

I work in Family Law. Very few things shock me, this has.

Has he made any payments to the policy?

breakfastdinnerandtea · 08/02/2024 20:23

I wouldn't believe a word he says. There's no way his parents and sister agree with his stance. Why would an aunt and grandparents agree with him conning money he doesn't deserve from their niece / granddaughter? His girlfriend might agree but probably because she's as morally repugnant as he is.

Have you spoken to the insurance company about it all yourself? I wouldn't trust anything that came from him that I hadn't heard myself.

Flowers
coldcallerbaiter · 08/02/2024 20:26

What I did not understand is if a payout is for mortgage protection then surely he is obliged to use it on the mortgage. Can he be legally compelled to? Read the small print.

mamacorn1 · 08/02/2024 20:31

I would let it lapse and get nothing. I’d rather have nothing than share with that horrible man.

Mumsgirls · 08/02/2024 21:04

Endowment policies were usually assigned to the lender to repay mortgage but not DTA which op has. So legally mortgage and policy not legally linked , so you have a private policy owned by both of you. No way to force him to do the moral thing, mail would not be interested as no one has legally done wrong.
Di op get advice from bank re life insurance when she took house over? She should have cancelled the joint policy and set up a new one in her own name. No cover if father died. Sounds like op did the cheapest and easiest thing, but the wrong thing.
So sorry for your condition but would not waste money on solicitors for this as no chance

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 08/02/2024 21:06

I am so sorry you are going through all this OP. Unfortunately your husband isn’t the only vile piece of work like this. I knew a young woman with small children who had breast cancer. Her husband left her for someone else while she was undergoing treatment. She had critical illness cover of £100,000 through her work which paid out. When a short while later they came to divorce he claimed and was awarded £50,000 of her critical illness payout as part of the financial settlement.

Littlegoth · 08/02/2024 21:09

FancyJapflack · 08/02/2024 17:39

I’d be tempted to kill him.

Me too.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 08/02/2024 21:20

@Blackcats7
That is truly appalling.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/02/2024 21:44

I am so very sorry xxx

MouseMama · 08/02/2024 21:55

Take all the free legal advice you can get. Also talk to the insurer. If they are going to pay the cash back to the account that pays the monthly direct debit then I would just ignore his purported claim on it.

Although the policy is in joint names I think there’s at least a reasonable argument that he has got bare legal title to it only and it would be inequitable for him to share in the cash when he’s not contributed to the policy for so many years. Clearly you should have, and intended, to put that policy into your sole name but overlooked that.

Its so incredibly unfair that he gets to just pocket the cash from your death (so sorry) I think there must be an argument that the rules of equity can correct your oversight and grant you beneficial ownership of the policy proceeds.

Parentofeanda · 08/02/2024 22:02

Imagine taking money off your child who's about to lose her mother 😭 what an evil bastard! Please share your story and drag his name through the dirt! What kind of father could do that.

egowise · 08/02/2024 22:09

He is a grade A cunt. As are his family.

I'm so sorry OP.

FacingDivorceButSad · 08/02/2024 22:10

I am sorry to hear about your health and prognosis. I would look into whether you can change your life insurance policy so he is no longer a beneficiary when you get legal advice. How old is your dd?

There are no words to describe your ex.He is selfish and cruel to the core

ChildofSunday · 08/02/2024 22:12

I think you need to speak to your insurance company and work out exactly where the money will go, can they transfer directly to the mortgage company, if not are they sending a cheque to the policy holders or direct bank transfer? If the address on the policy is yours, maybe his cheque got lost in the post… or if it is one cheque/transfer can you still pay it into your account?
I definitely wouldn’t let him have anything to do with the policy.
Hope you can sort it, he is scum!

chrisfromcardiff · 08/02/2024 22:13

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/02/2024 16:56

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

It's not going to help you at all, but I, too, now hate him with a passion. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. This is just me being me, but you could put it out there on every social media available to you what he is doing? His friends, family and coworkers should know what he is doing and what he said about it.

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