To hate him with a passion?

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

You're missing the point.

The situation is that OP thinks he should give up the money he's entitled to because his daughter needs it more. I'm asking whether OP would give him her money if he was struggling and daughter didn't need it.

You say that the house is in your sole name? Which would indicate that the mortgage is also in your sole name, I believe. If the mortgage policy is designed to pay off the mortgage, is there any possibility that it may have been assigned to the lender, which would see the entire proceeds repay that debt and the house pass to whomever you have named as beneficiary in your Will. I would speak to the insurance company directly and ask for their legal team to get involved. You may well have cover on his life and as a spouse you would be entitled to do so. That does not necessarily mean he is entitled to half the payout IF the policy was assigned to the lender (or can be now). Get a good independent financial advisor (perhaps the one who sold you the policy) on side now. Even speak to your lender so that they might support you. Lawyers are great but in this instance it may come down to the specific terms of the loan and policy and you may get the answers for free from the lender and insurance company. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

YOU are missing the point.

OP has no responsibility towards an adult man.

That man DOES have a responsibility towards his daughter.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine you’re scared.

Your ex-husband can go fuck himself. Set up a trust for your daughter and make sure that she can stay with her step family

Cut out your ex.

Your home insurance should include legal advice. This is literally legally about your home, so it may be worth calling them for input. I would also contact the mortgage cover insurer, particularly as you have paid for the policy and hopefully have messages from his stating what he will do, which does not include paying off the covered mortgage. Escalate as high as you can, underwriters are human too and will look to see if there is any loophole in the policy that would be in your favour.

I'm so sorry for the difficulties you have, I hope you have a lot more time with your DD and that this is sorted out in your favour Good luck.

Yes, but it's his money to do with as he pleases. OP agreed to the terms of the contract.

Yes, I understand he may well be a selfish prick but chances are he's making a point that he won't be dictated to in what he does with his money.

“And for her uni fees.. She wants to be a solicitor so uni will not be cheap”

@HelpIcantfindaname your daughter should look into applying for solicitor apprentice schemes. Lots of big law firms now do them. You go into work straight after A-levels with college attendance a day or two a week. This could make things much easier and is to make law more accessible.

I have no words regarding your ExH.. he’s despicable.

Sending you strength for your treatment x

Gosh I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. What an absolute heartless bastard your ex H is. I think seeing the solicitor is a great start.
And as for the ex...what goes around comes around...

Hi OP .... I'm so so sorry to read this and sending hugs xx

My DH was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in November last year and we were told to make the most of Christmas and make as many memories as we could as his prognosis was about a year. We have a decreasing mortgage insurance and after making a claim on our critical illness cover, we both had to sign the form and put bank details of where we wanted the money to go to so chances are yours will require the wank stain of an ex to sign similar x

Also a PP has said about the SR1 form ..... our dr surgery wanted £30 for us to have a copy. The macmillan girls ran one off for me when I went to visit them while DH was having chemo for no cost at all. It does help fast track stuff .... we applied for PIP and it was sorted out in about 5 weeks x

Sending you so much love and also to your family. Chemo is fucking brutal xx

But I'd be breaking the law if I didn't give him his half.

How quickly do you have to give it to him? Can you give it to him in £1 monthly instalments? Make him fight you for it rather than wasting your own time and money on legal advice.

What a monster. What an absolute garbage, soul-sucking, POS.

I sobbed reading this… probably not useful but my heart goes to you and your family.

What a bastard! I don’t have anything more helpful to say.

❤️❤️

I don't have any advice but wanted to say I'm so so sorry x

I have to say I'd make him take you to court for 'his' half if it's feasible. Bear in mind that his legal fees will be huge, and even if he wins he'd only be awarded in the region of 50%-75% of those costs back. It's a big risk for him, and there are many solicitors that would advise against him pursuing it for the sake of 'only' £30k. That's without the fact the courts are still backlogged from COVID so it would take him ages to get anywhere.

If you passed away before it was resolved, he'd have to then make a claim against your estate. Which means yet more legal fees for him.

Assuming you can get the money paid directly to you without too much issue and he has to make a claim for it after the fact, then play him at his own game. Taking it to court isn't easy, you may as well make him work and stress out for it. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thanks for the update OP. So sorry to hear your diagnosis in more detail and the other details and stress you’ve been under, all of your family.

As a pp said look into the terms of the original agreement whether it’s life insurance etc and see if you can claim legal advice through home insurance. From experience of working with lawyers (I’m not one) most people don’t bother to seek advice unless they have a case but it’s crucial that any document which you don’t understand is read properly and understood. Of course now, that’s being thought and said in hindsight OP. Your ex DH may have a point and a right to this money, but he may not and you owe it to yourself and your current family including your DD (good luck with her being a lawyer ,not an easy route but it’s a good career choice) to fight this all the way.

God I hate him to. An absolute monster.

You on the other hand sound like an amazing mum.

Two sides to every story, firstly, really sorry to hear you are very poorly and don't need this kind of stress. I read this differently to most who call your ex all sorts of names that probably aren't justified, anyway he asked for his name to be taken of the policy, you refused, because you thought you could benefit from it in the future but you got ill and it worked out the opposite. Your daughter shouldn't be made aware of all the goings on , you have opened her up to hurt and hatred towards her father, yes I see he hasn't actually been a great dad but really......you don't know his financial situation or what he will use the money for, it's only hearsay. You should be helping to repair the relationship between daughter and ex as he will be around when sadly you will not, surly your daughters future happiness is more important than your bitter hatred of him, I think you are wrong, when people split up for whatever reason when children are involved the grown ups need to remain grown up, difficult I know, don't listen to all the bitter and twisted advice that's given here, do your daughter proud and help her mend her relationship with her dad.this is the only honest and decent thing to do, don't be sucked in by hate,

This or find a right shark that would go pro bono for you

I am so sorry you are going through this. What an absolute C of a man he is!!!
Seek your legal advice and if that fails go public. Like media public and shame the shit out of him. Start a go fund me and the decent people of the world will secure your daughter’s future. I cried reading this post, honestly if you haven’t a legal stance people will support you from a moral stance.

Send you a PM

Gosh so sorry to hear your situation. I am shocked at what you are saying. I thought mortgage insurance was to cover the mortgage if this situation happened I did not know you could just have the money.

Have you even read the OP’s updates?!

She wanted the insurance in place so her DD would be covered if anything happened to her. If the OP hadn’t become unwell, the policy would have run to expiry and there would be zero payout so the ex wouldn’t have gotten anything. The OP tried to get a replacement policy but was declined cover. As a responsible mum she left this policy in place for DD’s security.

Bizarrely you think it’s ok for the ex to leave his DD less financially secure by taking money from a policy he’s not contributed to. He’s literally profiting from the OP’s death because if she had been well there wouldn’t be a payout.

DD is old enough to know about finances and security, she needs to know where the money for the mortgage has gone. Her own father will be taking money from his own DD - that’s despicable.

But sure, let’s focus on repairing the relationship, poor bloke…..can’t imagine why all the hate towards. Nasty, twisted women right? 😑

Hopefully the stepdad is a decent guy so the DD won’t miss this absolute pig of a man who’s her biological dad.

Being legally right doesn’t make it morally right.

Yes, he's no doubt a complete arse, but if you sign a contract granting 50% to somebody you can't then tell them not to take it. I would've made sure he wasn't in the position to take the money if I was hit by a bus the next day.

OP tried to do that but she was refused cover elsewhere. Cancelling the policy would have left her DD without any security. No doubt she never thought that the ex husband would take money away from their DD.

There's literally nothing the OP could have done to block the ex getting the money short of cancelling the policy and leaving her DD with no cover at all.

If it were a regular policy I'd maybe understand a little more but this was taken out as a decreasing term insurance which is specifically to pay off the mortgage. Taking the money puts DD's future in doubt because she won't have the money to see her through uni and training to be a solicitor. I very much doubt the financial leech of an ex will pay a penny to support his DD, based on what the OP has said.

As I said, it may be legally correct but it's morally bankrupt.

@FatPrincess
I didn't sign a contract making him entitled to half, at least I didn't realise I had. I always thought the money would go straight to the mortgage lender. If I'd known this I would have just cancelled the policy & lost out when he left. Although only in December when I first discovered this I spoke to him about it & he said he wouldn't take the money cos he wasn't an arsehole.

Dd needed to know about the money because of the things I'd said I'd buy/pay for when the mortgage was paid off. She needs a maths tutor but now we can't afford one. I've told her dad that, he hasn't offered to pay once he's got the money, or put anything towards university. Spending on himself is not heresy as someone said upthread. Its what he told me. I told DD she should speak to him. She says she feels too let down.

DH is brilliant with her, they have a very good relationship. On our first holiday she watched him playing with his DS in the swimming pool & said 'I wish my dad played with me.' She was 7 years old. Her dad never played with her when he lived here, despite looking after her when I was at work. I don't think I've destroyed their relationship - he's managed that himself.