To hate him with a passion?

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

the ex hasn’t really done anything particularly wrong here IMO.

Maybe not legally, but morally he's an utter piece of shit.

It's not defamation to tell the truth.

I am not a legal person but I agree with everyone saying get the pay out, pay off the mortgage and let him chase you through the court. It is unlikely to be a quick process.

Other than that don't waste the precious time you have left spending energy on him.

He is but unfortunately you can't legislate for being a complete shit.

Therefore OP needs to be very careful with what she does, as if he wanted to take it to court he would probably win, and if she started smearing him all over the papers he'd have a very good case for going after her. And remember, there's a 15 year old involved too.

The OP needs to take proper legal advice on whether there is anything that can be done, and keep a cool head.

And the truth appears to be that he's fully entitled to the money.

Going to the papers and smearing someone for being a legal beneficiary of an insurance policy is not going to end well.

Everything else is personal disagreement, which doesn't belong in the papers. You can't put someone's name all in the papers for having an affair for example (unless you're a celebrity).

And the papers won't be interested in someone who's simply doing nothing but receiving money from an insurance policy.

For defamation laws to apply, doesn't any statement made have to be incorrect? If the newspaper only prints the true facts, or links to what people have said here, I don't think that defamation laws would apply.

And what true facts would they be printing? That he is (apparently) entitled to the money he's receiving?

Yes he's behaving like a twat, but the papers are not a personal attack dog and aren't for printing stories about how much of a bastard your ex is. If they were we'd never read about anything else. And if OP starts spreading stories about how awful he is because he's doing nothing legally wrong, she could find herself in hot water pretty quickly.

@HelpIcantfindaname You have my absolute sympathy. This sounds ripe for a Gofundme campaign. If so, I hope MNHQ can verify and allow details.

For others here, this kind of issue - which as PP have stated affects a number of women - would benefit from some woman-focused effort to support the victims of vindictive current/former partners. Apologies if it already exists in a practical sense, but in tragic circumstances, the fact that the details of any resolution or advice to follow in the case of a relationship breakdown will be held partly by the OP, more so by her lawyer and unavailable to posters here (for example) is a loss.

The problem with divorcing twats is that they will only give you ample opportunity to show they haven’t changed. His behaviour is just demonstrating that. But it isn’t legally wrong. 🤷‍♀️

Ensure your pension benefits are to be left to the person(s) you want them to go to.

Ensure your house ownership is secure for your daughter and DH and that your ex can't pursue any claim to the title.

As the insurance policy is a decreasing term, check the amount that will actually be paid out; also, will there be a shortfall in paying off the mortgage if your ex takes half?

It must be extremely unusual for a woman to keep an ex’s name on an insurance policy after divorce, particularly when he has asked not to, and when he is going to receive the pay out if the woman dies first. The whole thing is a gamble and the winner survives and keeps the cash. It’s horrible to state it so bluntly I know.

Cazpar, I am a defamation lawyer and the Mail's are perfectly good. They'd factcheck with OP and if the situation is as she says, truth is an absolute defence.

@Cazpar
Yes I'm fully aware that you cant legislate for being a piece of shit. I didn't imply that you could? I was responding to @WishIMite's comments that the ex has "done nothing wrong". I disagree. Legally, no he hasn't. But morally he's the lowest of the low, and therefore I strongly disagree with that poster's statement.

Don’t let him pressure you. You do not have to respond. And there is nothing wrong with leaving him on read.

I hope you have a case.

and I feel so sorry for your DD. Would it help if she told him in writing how he makes her feel? Or would that simply lead to a pile on and guilt-trips by him and his side of the family?

you are not unreasonable to hate him. Not at all. Just thinking about your situation makes my blood boil!

And how do you think it would look when the ex twat points out he tried to have his name taken off the policy but OP refused?

What a horrible person he is and best wishes for your treatment.

Have you asked the insurance co if you can change the name of the beneficiaries?

lots are advocating just keeping the money, and I can see the temptation, but a bloke who’s prepared to wreck his relationship with his daughter for the sake of 30k is also likely to pursued it after and make things hard for your daughter, and your husband.

hard as it is, the thing that makes life less stressful in the medium and longer term for you and those you love is to let him have it. He can walk off into the sunset with his money having thrown away things far more valuable and you, and your family, can focus on your time now with them

Interesting!

@Cazpar
I'm glad you showed up here.
You talk sense.

I totally agree with this.

You just have to hope that he’ll spend it on a cruise and fall off the side.

It's not her policy with named beneficiaries unfortunately, it's a joint policy in both their names, it automatically pays out to the people named on the policy.

I take your point. Any newspaper would have to be extremely careful what they print, because at the end of the day, we don't even know if the OP is even genuinely ill with cancer, let alone know details of whether the insurance policy is assigned to the bank or the building society, so all they could really say is that Mumsnet members are up in arms that this could be allowed by law..... etc.

By all means look for ways to get out of XH getting the half, but don't let your (understandable) disdain for him distract you from doing what is best objectively for DD, and that might actually be to let him have his share of the money.

If you go down the legal route then you had better have a very good chance of winning, because if you lose and a third of the money goes in legal fees, XH getting only £20k isn't going to compensate DD for her only getting £20k. And from what you've described, it doesn't seem like your chances of finding a loophole are great.

There is also a possible world in which XH may become a little closer to DD when you are gone. People change and things happen. However unlikely that is, it will be even more unlikely if you have been spending the time you have left fighting him. It will also affect DD's memories of the remaining time you have together.

I wish you peace.🙏

If you took out the insurance policy to cover the mortgage, does the insurance company monitor how a pay out is used?

No, it doesn't work like that.

Once they've paid the beneficiaries, that's them done.