To hate him with a passion?

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

Defamation applies if someone can prove that they are the person these defamatory words/claims someone is using are referring to, unless names are used. The words themselves generally must be provable false statements.

I’d agree that the OP should get all paperwork/evidence together and seek legal advice, there’s too many things going on here and fact is it involves lots of legal steps that need unravelling with other orgs.

Also, if your daughter won the lottery tomorrow and your ex got made redundant and risked losing his job/house, would you sacrifice some of your money 'because he needs it more'?

False equivalence.

The ex has a responsibility to his underage child* - the underage child does NOT have a responsibility to an adult.

Nor has the ex paid for the ticket - whereas OP has paid for the insurance policy for umpteen years.

*I don't think she could claim the win anyway - she shouldn't be buying a ticket

This is what I would do too.
I'm really sorry for everything you are going through

Thank you for all your replies. I'm overwhelmed with the responses on here.

Sorry its taken a while to reply. I have been reading them, but yesterday's procedure was trickier than thought so I was at hospital ages, then my wound bled lots when I got him so we had to ring the careline. Today's chemo was the most straightforward I've had since starting this line so I don't actually feel too bad right now - till the steroids wear off & the side effects really kick in in a couple of days.

Someone said you don't even know if I actually have cancer. Of course you don't know me, but I'm not the kind of person to lie, & certainly not about that.

So...thought IBS was getting worse in 2022, eventually went to gp, fit test showed blood in stool so fast tracked for colonoscopy, they found a mass, biopsy showed it was cancer. Had scans - found liver mets. Stage 4 cancer diagnosed in June 22. 6 months of chemo from Aug - Jan. Everything shrank. Bowel resection March 23. Treatment breaks from Feb to December as liver mets were stable. Scan in Nov 23 showed liver mets have trebled in size. So now on chemo again till July but already had to change 1 type, & reduce dose of other as I wasnt coping with side effects. Oncologists prognosis is 10 months. But I'm still very hopeful that this treatment will give me longer. I really want to be here for DDs gcses in 2025. So, yeah, having cancer is true.

I hope you continue to feel ok / not too awful after today’s chemo.

Im sorry for what you have been through so far. And please don’t let one or two idiots on your thread take away from the kindness and good wishes of almost everyone else. You don’t need any more negative or unpleasant people in your life right now.

I hope you find a constructive way forward with the insurance policy problem. Of course you want to do the best thing for your DD and your husband .

To answer some of your queries...

If this went public, like to a newspaper, I'd be going down the line of I'm trying to warn other people to ensure their financial affairs are in order. Not just to slag off ex H.

All we've done so far is share on some social media, & some friends who know his friends have shared our post. So I think some of his friends must know, but if he's not bothered about losing his relationship with his daughter, he won't be bothered about losing a few friends.

If I'd known at the time he could claim half I would have changed it back then. I did actually speak to my IFA - he said that the company we originally used had been taken over so we couldn't just take ex h's name off the policy. I'd have to cancel & start again, losing what I'd paid in already. The IFA did look into getting another policy but it was going to be £15 more a month. I was a single parent - I couldn't afford it.

During the first lockdown I looked to change it again, but I was overweight, & anyone who was overweight & caught covid was clearly going to die. The IFA couldn't even find anyone to insure me.

I do have a life insurance policy but that was meant to be for current DH for DDs keep after I'm gone. And for her uni fees. I've been dipping into savings to make up enough money for monthly outgoings but have just started the process of claiming the life insurance early as we will need that if I can't pay off the whole mortgage with the mortgage cover. So I'm not leaving DD as secure as I'd always thought. She wants to be a solicitor so uni will not be cheap. Things will be much tighter for DH, DD & DSS when I'm gone.

Now here's the part when you can all call me stupid. When ex H & I divorced we did it ourselves. I petitioned but he did pay half of the costs. We didn't do a clean break. First he'd said he wouldn't touch the house, I'd lived here a long time before I even met him. Then he said he'd leave it as long as DD & I lived there alone till she was 18. He'd bought his dad's house cheap by then, so I told him if he went after half my house I'd go after half of his. As he bought it before we divorced it was part of the marital pot.

I'm worried now, that if I rock the boat by not giving him half of the mortgage insurance, he may go after anything else. And if we do a clean break I have to declare everything I have - pension, life insurance & obvs the house. I can't make a claim for anything of his now because I've remarried.

I so wish I'd done the clean break back then but I didn't have the money to pay for it. I should have done it before marrying DH, but he'd proposed Xmas 21, small wedding was set for Aug 22, but when I got my diagnosis we brought it forward to a tiny wedding before my treatment started. DH was a widower when we met so his financial affairs are all just his, but he's certainly not well off.

So yeah, I'm not the brightest spark in the box. And I feel absolutely terrible that I have mucked things up for my family by not actually having things secure for them after all.

I will speak to a solicitor before making any decisions. And will put it on Legal. Even if it did all get paid into my bank I wouldn't use it all to pay off the mortgage if he didnt agree as I don't want to leave trouble behind for my family.

But, as lots of you have said - I shouldn't spend my last month's fighting this or letting it stress me. So I am going to be focusing on having good times with my family.

Sorry this is so long, I probably haven't even answered everything. Thank you so much everyone.

I don't think you have mucked it up, OP. If the reality is that there was no other policy you could afford at the time of the divorce, your daughter is a lot better off than she would have been even with your DH insisting on having his half instead of giving it to her. I still have a decreasing term critical illness policy based on a mortgage that was way too large and which I got before moving because there isn't a similar product on the market now. Things change. What hurts is that this money should be for your daughter and your ex is putting himself first - but she will still have a smaller mortgage than she would have had and that is because of you.

He wanted to cancel the policy years ago, though.

Are you saying you didn't get a financial settlement when you divorced? If so then yeah he could go after the house, not just the insurance. Definitely speak to a solicitor and see how to sort this. Maybe selling the house would be the best option. I know your DD wants to remain there, but if her father goes after it she's not going to have a choice.

Talk to the insurance company yourself - why do they need to know by Monday and what really is the situation?
See if the solicitor can get a better financial settlement for your daughter - he owns his own house and car and still doent give her much? How did he manage to get that financially comfortable in the first place?

Is the insurance not linked to paying off the mortgage? I would have thought he could only be entitled to a cut after the mortgage was cleared but only if he has contributed to it. Yes, he is a miserable bastard and your daugher is better off without him and his scheming family.

I am so, so sorry op.

I am sorry beyond measure for what you are going through. I have no helpful advice but I hope he does the right thing and I hope to god if he doesn’t that karma does exist.

No, you’re not being unreasonable to hate him, I hate him too.

Any decent father would put that money in a secure fund for your DD to ensure she is set up for buying her own home when she’s an adult.

he’s a pig.

sending you a huge hug

The actual house is split between my 4 kids, with DH having a lifetime interest to live in it. If he dies before youngest DD is 30 she gets to live in it. My older kids are all in their 30s & have their own homes. My personal life insurance goes to DH & DD for her upkeep, & uni, & driving lessons. Plus to maintain the house

@HelpIcantfindaname I'd make it very clear (with a solicitor) that the life insurance money is only for your daughter. I'd be worried that your current husband might spend a good chunk of the money on things that aren't for your dd as part of the 'upkeep' and 'maintaining the house.' He might spend the money on himself and his son. Then there won't be much left for your dd to live on at uni.

Also your ex is disgusting. Your poor dd!

Have you posted this in legal matters? You are not unreasonable for hating him. We all
hate him as well. Karma does come to them in the end. Here’s hoping 🤞🏽. Please take care of yourself and make sure that b**stard doesn’t get that money.

Sorry if I am being thick, but if the policy was for paying the mortgage, how is he entitled to any of it?
So sorry you are going through this OP xx💐

Who has been paying this insurance premium?

Current DH won't spend more than is needed. He rents out his old house. It belongs to his son as it was put in his name when his mum was dying (she had breast cancer.) DSS wants to live in the house one day, DH also has a lifetime interest to live in it. And rent from that pays for upkeep of that house & DSSs future - DH won't take my money for his son.

But I'm going to speak to a solicitor, & also my Will guy to ensure my will is watertight. Maybe leave a percentage of the life insurance to DH for house maintenance, & my dogs, & leave rest to DD.

The mortgage insurance is not linked to the mortgage, I always thought it was. It gets paid put to us.

To make it worse, when ex H still lived here I borrowed £20k on the mortgage for home improvements. So the mortgage is actually £20k more than this mortgage insurance. I do have funds to cover that. But obviously only getting £30k from the insurance instead of £60k makes paying that even harder.

Just read the answer in the thread.
Your Ex is a bastard.

Awful. I guess the only thing you can do is shame him if that's possible, probably not.
Make sure you double check with insurance company though!

I wish people wouldn’t go on about karma. There’s no such thing. My dad bullied my mum into giving up her half of the house he built, he was a horrible little man. My poor mum died at 65 from a health condition and he lived to 87.

This is very sad for you, genuinely, but it seems like a really, really unhelpful story to tell the OP in her situation.

Well that's 10k straight off for ex H not to get.
...

Your ex might not care about friends or family opinions but depending on his job negative publicity could be a problem for his employers and affect him.