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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

791 replies

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 16:38

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

OP posts:
Original poster
badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 23:58

For what it’s worth - I posted about the anonymous text messages years ago. The thread is probably on here somewhere. And then I never updated. Believe me I’m not doing this to create a drama. I desperately wanted help. I am going to sleep now.

OP posts:
sanferryanne · 09/02/2024 00:00

You are in a much better place financially than most cheated on women. And he has cheated. I'd be telling him Strava girl is welcome to him, and for him to stay in your other property from now on.

Ramalangadingdong · 09/02/2024 00:01

Sorry, I haven't rtft so I am sure someone may have already asked this, but do you think the anonymous texts were from her? Wanting to create a rift between you and your dh and to gaslight you.

Ramalangadingdong · 09/02/2024 00:03

I ask if you think the anonymous texts were from her because it sounds as though she is obsessed with your husband.

Original poster
badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 00:04

She wouldn’t have my number. I actually thought the texts were from another woman he had been flirting with.

OP posts:
YoungCuriousAndLookingForAnswers · 09/02/2024 00:06

I think in the circumstances you've outlined in your posts, a physical affair seems unlikely (but not impossible) since he's never spent nights away and she's not local etc.

I suppose, of course, they could meet when she's in the area for an occasional quickie
(sorry to be crude) but I'd guess even an affair partner would want more than that out of their 'relationship'.

However, an emotional affair seems much more likely to me. As you move said, he probably enjoys the ego boost of a younger woman finding him attractive and fawning over him.

P.S. I'd be very interested to know what he says for himself when you see him tomorrow OP.

imaginebird · 09/02/2024 00:06

This reply has been deleted

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Ramalangadingdong · 09/02/2024 00:07

How would the other flirting woman have your number? Do you know her?

TacaremboLaTumbaDelFuegoSantaMalipasZacatecas · 09/02/2024 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of a name change? If you don’t believe OP then just stop reading the thread.

EveryDayIsASchoolDayOnMN · 09/02/2024 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are really on one tonight aren't you?! Report the thread if you dont believe it. Or just sod off

ButterBastardBeans · 09/02/2024 00:11

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 18:10

Sorry I said 2005 when I meant 2015!!! But it’s still 9 years in total since they first started texting. I’ve thought about it for the past hour and I think this is what has happened…

  • he really did break off contact in 2015
  • she requested him on Strava in 2022 (I saw this in his emails) and that’s when they struck up contact again
  • gifts were sent in 2022 and 2023. I think he’s probably met her (slept with her?) too as I can’t see that chatting on social media would lead to an exchange of addresses and then gifts being sent.

Yes, he’s a good husband and father generally. But after those texts in 2015 (and another episode with a different woman in 2013 - also texting) I’ve struggled to trust him.
I did check his phone recently and found absolutely nothing.

But I’ve messed up already. He called earlier from work and he could tell something was up. He asked me if I was Ok and I said “I know” and then refused to explain. I told him to go away and think about telling me the truth. He hasn’t even sent a text since the call ended.

You looked at a phone. Not the one he messages her on though. It will be in the car or at his work.

Howdidtheydothat · 09/02/2024 00:13

OP, get yourself lined up for next few days. Can you call in sick tomorrow? Make arrangements for your DCs. Can you arrange a sleep over or take them away after school tomorrow for weekend and then deal with crisis on Monday when they are at school? It’s half term in some areas next week so not sure if this will work.

I really think not being near him and having some support from friend /relatives would be good right now. Staying away will show him that this is “it”. Let him know that you want the truth (as you have evidence). pls don’t hang out for kids when it is safe and financially viable for you to move on. Stick to plain language with children, such as “mummy and daddy can’t be good friends in the same house because we have arguments that make me/us sad. Very much like you and your friends at school, sometimes things change and like and dislike different things. Sometimes you just don’t get on with the friend that you used to like so much and you don’t enjoy being with them at all. Even though you try to make it better, you just don’t get on. Mum and Dad feel like that and we have kept these feelings to ourselves when you are home because we/I wanted to try and fix it and I/we don’t want you to feel sad, but I/we are sad and that has to change. A bit like “x” at school, they have a mum and dad who live in different houses. This is what we need to do now. “
They will be sad and frightened. Make sure they know they can talk and that you are there every step of the way. You can upsell it to them..2 houses, 2 bedrooms to design, 2 Christmas’ and Birthdays, dad nights and mum nights. In a similar situation, my friends LO told her and DH that they were “breaking her heart” by splitting 😞 but a few years down the line, all is good for all of them.
The other option is to stay put but I very much doubt this is the better outcome for any of you (except DH) and it just can’t last forever, you may feel strong in staying put now but this will eat away at you and your MH.

MariaLuna · 09/02/2024 00:13

Please go for an STI test OP. Protect your health. It's on the rise.

ButterBastardBeans · 09/02/2024 00:18

With the history you have, I would tell him he doesn't really do it for you any more and divorce him.

This is not a dress rehearsal. YOLO and all that bollocks but it's true. Oh and get a STI check

coffeeandcake91 · 09/02/2024 00:24

My hearts breaks for women when this happens. As someone who's gone through a partner cheating, I think ultimately if you can work on it that's great. But it's the lack of trust that will destroy the relationship. I could never trust him again and ended the relationship with no regrets. The weight will be lifted off you. A conversation is definitely needed. and you'll find out very quickly if he's being truthful or not. If he's not, then a decision needs to be made about whether or not you can spend your life with a liar, constantly watching your back, wondering who he's with and what he's doing etc. I really hope he comes to his senses.

Gainom · 09/02/2024 00:41

As well as an STI check, change your will if you have one asap.

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 09/02/2024 00:52

I wonder whether this ‘other property’ is the place they meet up. Taking a day off work and going there would be pretty easy.

Bookworm1988 · 09/02/2024 00:54

I found your previous thread op, back then you said you was gonna confront him and say you knew what happened on the date in the text, how did that go down? You said back then you don’t love him you love your life, is that still how you feel? If so is it really worth staying with someone who has long ago broken your trust x

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 09/02/2024 00:56

coffeeandcake91 · 09/02/2024 00:24

My hearts breaks for women when this happens. As someone who's gone through a partner cheating, I think ultimately if you can work on it that's great. But it's the lack of trust that will destroy the relationship. I could never trust him again and ended the relationship with no regrets. The weight will be lifted off you. A conversation is definitely needed. and you'll find out very quickly if he's being truthful or not. If he's not, then a decision needs to be made about whether or not you can spend your life with a liar, constantly watching your back, wondering who he's with and what he's doing etc. I really hope he comes to his senses.

I also believe it would be much easier to forgive a short affair, than something like this which has been going on years. He sounds like a serial flirter and someone who has had other affairs. Impossible to forgive or trust. The anonymous messages are the clincher for me, wouldn’t trust anything he says now about strava girl.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/02/2024 00:59

How can you really trust him, clearly you don't. My DH cheated 6 months ago after 25 years together and left me for her. It didn't take long for him to try and come crawling back, it broke my heart but I said no. You can't live without trust

Treehugger22 · 09/02/2024 02:59

Sorry op horrible thing to go through better off being single with cats, at least you are at peace, no stress but changing the kitty box!

lucylulululu · 09/02/2024 03:16

So sorry you're going through this OP.
Did you manage to get into his strava in time to read any messages between them? As I know you said he unfriended her on there so potentially could have deleted messages too?

The fact he has unfriended her right after you said 'I know' is very suspicious to me, as it makes me think why did his mind go straight to her if there is nothing to this? If he were innocent, surely he would just be completely baffled and would make more of an effort to contact you to prove it?

HenndigoOZ · 09/02/2024 03:19

I would probably not try and get all the hard evidence - it would be too stressful, lead to acrimony and he could potentially make you look like a crazy person to your mutual friends. You need him to be calm when it comes to negotiating a settlement and co parenting.

I would simply admit you can’t prove anything but you have seen enough bits and pieces over the years that fundamentally, the trust has gone and you are not at peace in the marriage anymore. Ask for an amicable separation “for the sake of the children.”

You will feel much better putting your energy into your new life without him. Good luck.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2024 03:31

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 09/02/2024 00:52

I wonder whether this ‘other property’ is the place they meet up. Taking a day off work and going there would be pretty easy.

Yes, this was my first thought when op mentioned it.

Hotchocolatefudgecake · 09/02/2024 03:52

I haven’t RTFT, however, a family member of mine is currently being investigated for computer misuse offences. I was left logged in on a device they had access to. And without permission they accessed and took photos of my emails. This is current, and being taken extremely seriously. In your case it’ll probably go nowhere, but it is a criminal offence just so you’re aware.

FWIW, don’t bother gathering evidence, you don’t need it to justify anything. If you want to leave him, that’s reason enough.