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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

791 replies

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 16:38

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 08/02/2024 23:06

Those gifts seem like something you would buy someone you were very comfortable with, not an early stage romance. But something that had gone on for years. I'm sorry OP but even if you can't prove the cheating, you know he is lying and hiding the contact again.

beatrix1234 · 08/02/2024 23:07

@BlueGrey1 You got the anonymous text at 2am, only someone obsessed with you / him sends messages at that time.

Not necessarily obsessed, but definitely a typical reaction from an angry woman who got dumped after an affair with a married man, came home angry late at night after a couple glasses of wine and sent you the texts.

tensmum1964 · 08/02/2024 23:13

Gloriosaford · 08/02/2024 23:05

I understand why you want to know but in my view you will never get the whole truth, he will only have tell you what he thinks you will believe. Assuming it's been going on for as long as it seems he's a practiced and seasoned liar.
Sadly you have already failed to keep your powder dry and have thereby given him the opportunity to get out in front of you.

Sadly I agree. Men like him will never tell you the whole truth. Having said that, he's done enough to you, regardless of the type of contact he's been having with her. Also you have enough proof of infidelity, deciept and a total disrespect for you.

beatrix1234 · 08/02/2024 23:15

@badgergirl5 Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

"Don't worry hun, its just some young woman I had an affair with then dumped unceremoniously and now she's angry" said no man ever.

Moodicum · 08/02/2024 23:19

It would destroy me to tell the kids we were splitting up

No it won’t. The kids will be fine. Better than having a mum in a relationship she is constantly doubting and feels used in. Be the role model. he might be a good dad (maybe) but he’s a shit husband.

abouttogetlynched · 08/02/2024 23:22

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 22:41

I care because of the kids. They will be devastated. I honestly don’t know whether I can do it to them. I probably haven’t properly been in love with him since the trust was damaged years ago, and yet I’ve still been happy generally in life. I think I’ve put it in a box. It would destroy me to tell the kids we were splitting up.

I honestly don’t know whether I can do it to them

It’s not you doing this OP, it’s him! Please don’t take any responsibility for this.
Your kids won’t respect you for putting up with him cheating, but they will if you show them your worth and that you refuse to accept what he’s done. Be their role model and their hero and show them the kind of people they want to grow up to be. I’m really not meaning to kick you when you’re down, but don’t be a doormat, don’t show your kids it’s OK to be a doormat. You can do this OP! 💪

LeoTheLeopard · 08/02/2024 23:26

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 16:44

Re divorce - I’m not scared of it and financially I would be fine. So I don’t really need to worry about that side of things. We have more than one property and he could immediately move into the other one. But it will torture me forever if he just pretends nothing is going on and I’m crazy (which I think he will do).

If you have this extraordinary luxury, just use it. Move his stuff or yours out and say it’s over.

does it actually matter what he has or hasn’t done?

ladyofshertonabbas · 08/02/2024 23:27

Is she on FB? For stalking purposes. Just to say, you might still get bits of the truth out long after separation. Good luck.

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/02/2024 23:31

KnowledgeableMomma · 08/02/2024 16:44

Yeah, that would be waaaay too much assholery for me to consider staying. I'd be getting all my ducks in a row.....getting paperwork together, hiring a lawyer, getting finances split. Then just let him come home to divorce papers when you have it all in order. He'll never know what hit him.

This

eilaka · 08/02/2024 23:34

If your kids were babies in 2005, they are now adults and they can take the breakup. Unless you have one in Y13 about to take A levels, in which case I'd keep quiet for now.

It's very unlikely he will tell you the truth. He might be able to get you to think he's told you the truth, by telling a small part of the truth or by just making up more bullshit. Pursuit of the truth is a natural reaction. But you won't get it. Ever. Even if you break up and he begs and promises the truth, you still have no way of knowing if it really is the truth. You need to find a way to let go of needing the truth because even if you think you have it, you can never be sure. Maybe chat to people on MN about this or read affair threads in relationships to get some free therapy. As an extension of this, you also won't get proof of physical cheating - there isn't CCTV.

I'm surprised you thought the cheating text was malicious, given that he had form. It was someone trying to help you and not get their hands dirty in the process.

He is a serial cheat and a serial liar. What you need to do is to emotionally cut yourself off from him, start making practical and financial plans.

He will never tell you the truth. There is nothing that will make him do this. Please try to come to terms with this, rather than pursuing it. He's a liar and a cheat. You cannot get the truth from a liar. There can never be any proof of "truth" anyway. He has clearly physically cheated. And considering the 0.001% chance he hasn't cheated, his behaviour has been monstrously disrespectful and a shit spouse.

eilaka · 08/02/2024 23:35

There is no smart way to catch him

All you can do is to leave without bothering to explain anything to him. Ghost him. You owe him no explanation.

QueenBean22 · 08/02/2024 23:37

@eilaka the 2005 was a typo, she corrected it to 2015 in a post

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 08/02/2024 23:38

I confronted him with evidence and he still denied it.

I know you’re looking for the closure but in reality it didn’t work out that way. Also it has no bearing on the divorce

I would just tell you to just tell him you don’t trust him and it’s over.

Original poster
badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 23:38

Yes, it was 2015 when I first discovered texts. Sorry for confusion. Our kids are 9 and 12.
He is staying in our other place tonight so I won’t see him until tomorrow. He has tried calling but I don’t want to talk.

OP posts:
Theatrefan12 · 08/02/2024 23:38

It would destroy me to tell the kids we were splitting up.

And it may very well destroy your kids more to live in a home where the parents quite obviously have no respect for each other

As pp said they will bounce back but better long term to teach them what respect including self respect looks like in a relationship

But for now the focus should be on you and getting the answers you need as well as securing access to relevant documents and shared assets

imaginebird · 08/02/2024 23:39

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Original poster
badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 23:40

@imaginebird do you think I am making this up? Why would I do that? Or do you mean someone else?

OP posts:
MoonWoman69 · 08/02/2024 23:43

Wishing you luck OP, there's some good advice on here, just filter out the idiots, seems Mumsnet is full of them! 🤗❤

eilaka · 08/02/2024 23:47

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It’s not embarrassing to believe what an OP writes, it’s a normal assumption to make that they are genuinely asking for advice. If you don’t believe OP, then report the thread.

Gagaandgag · 08/02/2024 23:51

So you have spoken on text? Is that how you know he’s staying the night at your other property? Who suggested it?

imaginebird · 08/02/2024 23:52

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BlueGrey1 · 08/02/2024 23:53

@imaginebird

and why do you think it’s not believable

Original poster
badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 23:54

@imaginebird actually I’ve created a new name given the sensitivity of this. I’ve been on mumsnet since 2010. I am feeling sick at the moment and I wish I was just doing this for some twisted idea of fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 23:57

@Gagaandgag he's not home yet so I’m assuming that is what has happened. I assume he tried to call when he got back there.

OP posts:
Serendipityandmore · 08/02/2024 23:58

Some people are like vultures hounding the OP. We should be here to offer moral and practical support, not to hound her.

This is a tough time, she sounds wonderful, and the fact that she's considering so strongly what's best for the kids is testimony to how good a mother and person she is.

People should not be pushed or hounded into life-changing decisions on the spot. That's rash. Anything that makes sense now, will make sense in the cold light of day or over time.