To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

How about … send her a present, as if it’s from him.
She will be so excited to receive a present from “him”
if you still have her address. She will no doubt thank him profusely.
Keep an eye on him for reactions around this time.
and yes, I’m all for revenge. And need to know everything.

The fact that he's in contact with her at all is a betrayal. He agreed to cut contact and he hasn't.

You aren't doing anything to them. He has done this. You will find that children are stronger than you think and take things better that you could have imagined.

People are naive if they think there can't have been a physical affair because he doesn't stay away over night. Sex happens in the day too.

Oh OP , yes YABU to try and catch him in a clever way - what's the point? All the trust is gone and he's definitely cheating on you on some level.

Did you know that divorce laws changed in recent years.... You don't need to prove anything, because you can have "no fault divorce". Stop sleuthing and driving yourself mad. Just start the divorce process and start the long process of moving on.

Play this? Confront him?
What is this, a game?
This is your life. He's been working on destroying it, apparently for years.
Don't even consult him. See a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and get the unfaithful husband out of your life.

So sorry you are going through this OP. Without trust in your marriage it isn't a marriage. I know leaving you said it would devastated your dc's. Would you leave when they are older if you decide to stay. I don't think I could stay because I would always be thinking is he in contact with the other woman, messaging her or someone else. You deserve better. He has alot to lose but they can't see it until it has gone. I hope you will be ok.

Ooh that’s quite a good point! I didn’t even think of that.

Unnecessary.

Your husband is the cheating type. That will never ever change. You can carry on as you are because it’s comfortable or leave the cheat.
You don’t need proof. You don’t need to confront him. You just need to decide for yourself whether or not you want to stay, then leave if you want to.

My exh cheated on me. I turned myself in knots at the time trying to find the truth. Like others have said - it didn’t matter. It used up energy I should have spent getting myself and my children set up in a new life. As hard as it is, please focus on making a new life for yourself, not whether he cheated or not. You’ve got this op.

I’m so sorry OP. Awful to be in this situation and so distressing.

You sound very measured despite how you must be feeling inside.

Whatever the outcome of this please remember you will be ok. When this happened to me I was terrified I would lose everything - my sanity, a roof over my head, my ability to do my job as I was so distressed. I feared everything would crumble. It didn’t. And it won’t for you. You have big decisions to make and difficult conversations to have but you will be ok.

for you.

How are you this morning OP?

Why would you care though. You'll have evidence and you will have moved on. You will hold all the power.

My ExH never spent a night away either, and his OW lived 100 miles away. He’d book a hotel and she’d stay over, and he’d just go late afternoon for a couple of hours, or early in the morning before work. Either that or they’d just meet in their cars. Very seedy. I always tried to talk myself out of my suspicions by thinking the same as you - it can’t be happening because he’s home every night and his routine hasn’t changed at all.

Also @badgergirl5 I hope you’re doing okay. Just a word of warning: My ExH had an affair for five years and I was convinced it was with a particular woman that I had proof he was having an emotional affair with. It turned out that she just considered him a friend while he had feelings for her. The OW that he was sleeping with was a different woman altogether, and I was so obsessed by woman #1 that it didn’t occur to me to look elsewhere for woman #2. Keep all your options open. Don’t believe a word he says and look after yourself and your children. You are worth so much more than this.

Yes, you do hold the power OP! It’s important to hold onto that as I know you will be feeling anything but powerful right now. But ultimately you do have power and control here and you are able to make decisions and choices for yourself that your husband has no control over. Please hold onto that.

The last thing he will want is for your marriage to end. If he did he would have left on previous occasions. He is weak. He is flattered by attention and probably enjoys being a ‘mentor’ to someone who is in awe of him: supporting her with her running and ‘educating’ her about hormones (!). It’s pathetic but it all stems from his own weakness and lack of self-worth.

Just reading your posts on here it is clear you are most definitely not weak or pathetic. You are strong.

First and foremost look after yourself. Keep yourself going. Self-care. Don’t put all your energy into making things ok for him or making him feel better. Focus on yourself and meeting your own needs.

Please take care.

@badgergirl5, he is still an unsafe partner who laps up validation and illicit thrills elsewhere.

Re this OW, he chose infidelity with her back in 2015, when he was acting like a single man who was gratified by her gushing and was planning their date. After you rumbled his agenda, he agreed to cut contact, but he was slippery and blocked transparency, so you have no idea what, if anything, was said. This showed that he felt no true remorse or responsibility to help you heal. He clearly hasn’t worked on his character flaws or strengthened his boundaries, as he is still ‘in infidelity’ with OW — in touch, building intimacy, sending gifts, and very likely meeting up. He has chosen to breach his agreement, and is making a mockery of your recovery, the restoration of marital trust, and the well-being of his family. He is a very poor role model for your children.

Due to his past/present boundary crossing, I would assume that the anonymous information sent in 2018 was true. He is a serial cheat. It is very telling that in response to your saying ‘I know,’ he is bricking it and is frantically erasing all traces of his secret girlfriend.

It would be game over for me and I wouldn’t need more evidence.

@JaneAustensHeroine your analysis of his character is so accurate. He is a very insecure person, despite the mask of bravado and confidence that he wears. I know this because I’ve never met someone so susceptible to flattery and so unable to take criticism.

A lot of people are giving good advice and the kind of advice I would give (and have given) to friends. I know that I should focus on my happiness and providing an example to our kids. I would never want my daughter to go through this and I would tell her to leave. BUT I know he will make me sound crazy to our friends and family if I don’t have a confession (or irrefutable evidence) and I don’t know whether the email gift receipts are enough. I still have screenshots of the texts he was sending her back in 2015. To be fair, if someone showed me those messages plus the latest email receipts I guess I would be convinced. But I want to hear him admit it. I just need that absolute lack of doubt to be able to turn my life upside down.

He has texted this morning saying “what is going on?!”. So clearly, having erased her from strava (and god knows what else), he has decided to act clueless.

BUT I know he will make me sound crazy to our friends and family if I don’t have a confession (or irrefutable evidence)

What about your friends & family?

They would surely believe you over him or think that your lack of trust was justified?

What if you had just tried & grown apart?

They must love you enough to want you to be happy?

What a foolish move by him, immediately removing her from Strava.

What they do in the immediate aftermath of being 'found out' (or in your case, OP, messaging him that you 'know') is likely to be the most useful piece of information to getting to the bottom of what has been happening.

You need to ask him why he has been buying her gifts behind your back.

Be prepared for, 'I felt sorry for her', 'it was a nice thing to do', etc.

Stand your ground.

OP I say this as someone who has been there.

Sometimes you don't get the answers.

You are giving him an awful lot of power over your life. I would be taking that back.

You can just divorce him. You don't need to give reasons.

Regarding his "What is going on?"

You Reply

*"please do not belittle our years of marriage or humiliate either of us any further by starting this wide eyed and innocent act. At least own it so we can discuss next steps.

I will not engage further until you are prepared to grow up and speak about this truthfully"*

@febgmt2200 It’s almost funny how many people must know his exact type. Yes, he will say he felt sorry for her. That’s what he said last time - that he was replying to her flirty text messages and arranging to meet her because, apparently, the poor girl had a mental breakdown at work and he felt bad for her. That’s why I won’t tell him what I’ve actually seen this time. He will think he can talk his way out of “just” a few gifts. I want him to think that I might be aware of something else.

To the people who have suggested that they could have been meeting at our other property - yes they could. He hardly ever stays there overnight (unless I’m there too) but it has happened a few times over the last couple of years. He always calls a couple of times every time he’s ever there - but I guess she might tolerate that if she’s happy to be the OW. But more than that, I know he could have been meeting her there during the day.

Take a step back. You’re worried that your family and friends will think you’re crazy.

You have proof that he was jeopardising your marriage 9 years ago. You laid out your boundaries and he agreed to cut all contact with this woman. You’ve subsequently discovered that he’s sending her gifts on repeated occasions. That is all you need, it is all fact. Nobody will think you’re mad for holding your boundaries. On top of that, you’ve got the text messages which aren’t conclusive proof but add weight to the above. This is ALL on him, not you. It doesn’t matter if he has slept with her or not. You can’t trust him because he has lied to you and betrayed your trust. That is all the evidence you need.