To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

Hurrah. So happy to read that.

He probably has another email address that he uses for private use. It will be on his phone but hidden in another app (possibly his work email).

Edited as just read you found the means of contact already was Strava.

It reflects badly on him that he knows you're upset about him and he hasn't come home or even contacted you.

Looks like he's been busy wiping, deleting, unfollowing for the past couple hours. That's all the proof you need really, you know they were friends on there, now suddenly they're not. Along with his silence and oddly changing WhatsApp etc I think you have enough evidence to 'know' he's been cheating. He won't tell you, but it's pretty obvious now.

It may not be a physical affair but it appears to be an affair of the heart which is more hurtful in some ways. He IS cheating whether they have had sex or not. I would have file for divorce. He can't be trusted and you've had multiple warnings proving that.

Who cares? He’s obviously a creep and you don’t trust him. The marriage is long dead. You say you’ll be fine financially so go and fly without this idiot

Sorry your going through this. My friend once received an anonymous letter in the post saying her husband was cheating... she chose to ignore. A few years later and he was caught sleeping with a prostitute, so my gut tells me someone was trying to warn her of his ways back then. I suppose what I'm saying is there's usually no smoke without fire.

I haven't read all of the messages, but it sounds like you've said something to him. Don't be harsh on yourself it's hard to control emotions and hide feelings.

Whilst evidence is probably deleted... I'd sit him down and call his bluff. I'd say I KNOW you have cheated, I have proof, if you want any chance of saving our marriage I want to hear it from you.... and wait for his response. If he is a decent person (after a lot of persuasion and calling him out) you should get something from him... however if he does talk, he'll start off with something very small so you have to keep pushing him until you feel your getting somewhere. Demand the answers. Tell him if he's honest you will consider making things work (even if you have to lie)

I've had many experiences with cheating and some men will take it to their grave, however others will admit it under duress.

I wanted to ask about this other woman.... do you know who she is? Would she talk to you? Is she single/ attractive? The last resort is going to her, however women are even worse at keeping things secret in these scenarios as don't want to drop the man in it!

I care because of the kids. They will be devastated. I honestly don’t know whether I can do it to them. I probably haven’t properly been in love with him since the trust was damaged years ago, and yet I’ve still been happy generally in life. I think I’ve put it in a box. It would destroy me to tell the kids we were splitting up.

@Bella2255 yes I’ve seen photos online (her work web site). She’s single, never married and no kids. Maybe 10 years younger than me (around 32). She’s average looking.

Hi @CharlesChickens - do you mean his changing his WhatsApp and not returning her texts?
There’s a woman I know who accused her husband of cheating and demanded to know everything and see everything.She would call constantly and follow him after work. She bothered his friends and family. She was convinced he was cheating and went to great lengths to prove it.
Finally they divorced and, after 30+ years, the husband (ex) remains unmarried and unattached.
Conspiracy theories are exactly what started and then greatly influenced that woman’s behaviour.

@zonder he just tried to call me - I declined the call

That’s really hard. But you matter too. Kids do bounce back. You need to make the best decision for you and no one here can really know what’s best. But I know that I couldn’t get past this.

You don’t have to make any decisions now but may be when you’ve confronted him you could at least take a break and him move out for a bit to give you thinking time?

Yes. Face to face better than a call.

I would have too. Face to face and on your terms.

Hope you are feeling ok and not too stressed

Could you suggest he stays in a hotel tonight? Tell him it is late and you’d rather talk tomorrow

This is such an awful time, you're in shock, you're hoping it's not true but you desperately need to know what's real. I really hope you're able to get some answers OP.

Just seen that you've declined his call - wanted to wish you the best of luck when you do speak to him. Hope you get the answers you need. Stay strong - whatever happens, you'll be ok in the end. Reading through the replies you've had, so many of us are behind you and thinking of you x

I'm sorry @badgergirl5 you need the truth now. I'm amazed he stayed out and didn't shoot home though.

Good idea.

❤️

This woman has been chasing him from the start and seems a bit obsessed, do you think there is a possibility she sent the anonymous text….. could she be trying to break ye up

She initiated contact in 2015 and again in 2022 so he has been on her mind for a very long time, and she is also single

You got the anonymous text at 2am, only someone obsessed with you / him sends messages at that time

Wait and see what he says and depending on that I would nearly be contacting her to tell her to BACK OFF!!

Not saying he is innocent though at all

Thinking of you op

I would go through all his bank statements and track his movements and spending, it might give you some clues on what he's been up to. Always follow the money😀

I understand why you want to know but in my view you will never get the whole truth, he will only have tell you what he thinks you will believe. Assuming it's been going on for as long as it seems he's a practiced and seasoned liar.
Sadly you have already failed to keep your powder dry and have thereby given him the opportunity to get out in front of you.

@Howdidtheydothat

Could you suggest he stays in a hotel tonight? Tell him it is late and you’d rather talk tomorrow

I would nearly suggest this aswell, otherwise it’s possibly going to turn into a blazing row later on when he gets home and you won’t be able to think clearly, he will also be after a couple of drinks I imagine?