To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

Please ignore @Serendipityandmores post in its entirety OP. No-one sane can blame you for leaving this shitty man and regaining your peace of mind. Your children will be fine in time, if anything you are demonstrating how to stand up for yourself and not accept a substandard relationship.

Interesting post. Why do you think therapy is going to be magical and somehow turn the OP into someone that accepts affairs aren’t that bad and are just like porn or whatever? You must know that your opinion deviates from most people’s and a counsellor is not going to try and convince her to stay in the marriage if it’s not something she wants but would most likely support her. The only scenario I can think of where a counsellor would try and save the marriage is if they are a Christian or Catholic Church counsellor for whom divorce is not an option on theological grounds.

When I went to therapy, the (male) counsellor took me aside after two sessions and told me to leave my ex. And that if I decided to stay, I would have to accept personality is relatively fixed and that ex would not change. It was breathtaking advice and I acted on it and left.

If anything, her ex should of his own volition go to counselling to address his secretiveness, the constant need for flattery from other women (at the minimum) etc. I am sure that would make the OP stop in her tracks and give it more time. But all we are seeing is lies, manipulation and show parenting.

I would tend to agree with @Serendipityandmore about trying therapy but for the fact that OP has been here before and her DH isn’t telling the whole truth.

I would also disagree about most men and women using porn. I don’t. DH doesn’t. I can check his search history and messages any time (we have recovered from his infidelity many years ago).

Plenty would, but the figure is nothing like 90%. Some, plenty, actually respect their wedding vows and adore their wives.

Why do you suppose the OP didn't hold DH in very high esteem. I'd guess because he is a slimy, lying cheater and has been neglecting her for years whilst he worships his dick.

@Serendipityandmore why would you post something like that? How can you compare watching porn to a physical affair involving real people? The risk of STIs and pregnancy, the breaking of marriage vows (that no one is ever forced to take) and the sheer intimacy of an ACTUAL affair make it entirely different from watching moving images of strangers.

Don't agree with this at all! What a sweeping statement. Saying that 90% of men would if they could is like saying this is inevitable and therefore not his fault, but a reflection of his nature in innately being 'male'. It's not.

The majority of men are definitely not like this. He is just a bad one.

I think the final sentence of your post proved @Serendipityandmore ’s point.

Op did you ask him why he had adjusted his WhatsApp settings so people are unable to see when he was last seen

Please don't take @Serendipityandmore comments to heart.

Yes, there are men out there who would happily shag a pretty woman every day of the week. However, there are also plenty of men out there who love and respect their partners & wives, and for this reason, would not cheat or entertain inappropriate behaviour, even if a pretty woman threw themselves at them.

Your husband has made a series of poor choices. In doing so he has shown he values his continued ego boosts over his respect for you, and he does not appear to be showing any remorse for his actions. If he was truly sorry, or self aware enough, he would be offering to show you whatever you felt you needed to see to be fully informed so you can make your decisions. That is true respect, and he is falling very very short.

I am sorry this has happened to you OP. You are in a fortunate position financially, and I promise that in time, you and your children will be happy again. As for your husband, he has worn out too many chances now and has continued to disrespect you. It is time to show him he was wrong to do so. Hold your head high, and take one day at a time. You have got this.

@Ramalangadingdong well, therapy worked for us but the facts and DH’s reaction were very different from OP’s. And I know for a fact that DH doesn’t watch porn, and neither do I. So not really.

He's such a bastard. I feel so angry for you op.

@Serendipityandmore OP’s husband found this thread and posted.

Seriously, though, are you married and saying that you would be happy if your partner had a physical or emotional affair (more than once)? If so, why would you accept that?

Or are you inclined to cheat yourself but don’t consider it inappropriate so long the other person doesn’t find out?

Or is this a wind up.

Hi Op, hope it's not half term this week. Sending you a virtual hug on this difficult day, I hope you have found some comforting IRL support and that your husband moves to the other property without digging his heels in.

'Can anyone who has been through this please tell me when I will stop feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach? I can’t believe the physical feeling has stayed for so long'

It took me years even though I had all the proof of his wrongdoing. He tried to turn it around and told family and friends I had had numerous affairs, I was trying to smear his good name and telling lies about him and also that I was blackmailing him! All untrue. Our children were older but it has affected them and they find it difficult to talk about their memories of growing up, both good and bad. However, it was the right thing for me and I do regret not doing it sooner. I hung on and tried to make it work for far too long. My life is good now and I was fortunate enough to meet a lovely man. We've been together for 9 years.

This.

I've known people who have had affairs going on years.

Hope you’re ok OP

💐

How are you OP? Did you manage to get him to move out?

Thinking of you poster

Yes, he’s gone. I’ve told him to stay away and that I need space. He had another major breakdown last night when he was still here - lots of tears and begging, saying I’m his whole life etc etc. He has also sent a big message today where he reiterates that he’s been stupid and hurtful but that she was in hospital a lot last year and that’s why he felt the gifts didn’t seem strange.
He doesn’t know but I am verifying whether she’s had any time in hospital.
I still think that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie and I’ve told him he has to retrieve the WhatsApp messages and that I’m not going to stop asking for that. If he doesn’t do it, I’ll take it as an admission of guilt.

You're doing well OP.

I am 40+ years with my DH (I was 15), and beyond the very rare crush early on, never given him, nor he me, any cause for concern.

We both have healthy relationships with the opposite sex, never an issue either side, and I'm pretty sure his phone is full of football results, and chats with his mate about where to go for the best cheese!

But your scenario would have me kicking him out.

Who knows if anything physical happened, but a man who is sneaking texts to another woman, sending gifts to her home, flirty texts to the extent he refuses to show you, in essence an emotional affair at a minimum, then the lies and faux innocence - I would find that very hard indeed to forgive.

You are doing really well OP, stand firm. In his shoes, if I hadn't had an affair- I would be getting those what's app messages for you. He can't because they don't absolve him. He must think you are daft if he thinks you would believe the ill gifts scenario, thought I would send you a pair if running shoes because you're ill....yeah right. I'm angry on your behalf.
How are you feeling tonight? Have you told someone IRL yet? I'm so sorry it's ended up like this for you.

Well done OP, let him try to manipulate you with his crying but unless he can be truest honest and transparent it’s all meaningless

The ‘interesting’ thing, if you can call it that, when men have been caught out is I think a lot of their falling to pieces when they’ve been caught out and their world comes crashing down is that they cannot bear the shift in power dynamics.

I don’t know what type of person your husband is OP but I’m assuming he is fairly assertive and dynamic in business and possibly outside too? People like this are used to the ones being in control, and the fact they can sneak around for a long time under the very nose of their OH undetected gives them a thrill, as they are the ones very much in control of the situation. When that changes, when they are discovered and their partner takes assertive action and starts with the ultimatums etc, the power is GONE and has shifted very much to the other person.

They cannot handle being out of control, and I think, as well as the dawning realisation that they have lost everything through their own selfish actions, this is what can make their situation all the mor unbearable to them and difficult to handle.

People like this, and it is usually men, are the types who do all they can to get back together with their gf/partner after a split just so they can then be the ones to end it however long later. So they can take back control and shift their label of the one being left/kicked out to the other person. It’s emotionally immature and narcissistic but for men with large egos it is just as big a factor for them to deal with as the thought of only seeing their children on a part time basis and leaving their marital home.

If, in your situation, your husband developed a genuine platonic friendship with this woman to the extent that he was feeling sorry that she had had to go to hospital so often etc, surely he would have mentioned it to you? Maybe that’s a naiive thing to say, given the history, as you had asked him not to be in contact with her, but then he said to you he had forgotten the nature of his previous contact with her (and that you had asked for it to stop)- so by that rationale, then going back full circle to my original point - why not say - “I’ve run into x again and guess what, she’s having a really bad time of it right now and is pretty ill. Guess how many times she’s had to go into hospital!”etc. that would be normal if there was genuinely nothing to it. But him not telling you after flagging now how serious her condition is, to the extent that he is feeling sympathy enough to be sending personal gifts…. He’s just one massive contradiction isn’t he. He can’t stop lying, he’s tying himself in knots.

He deserves all the doubt and emotional upheaval that he is experiencing right now. He’s brought it all on himself. Maybe this was all just one massive fantasy that got out of hand and he believed he could keep these two parts of his life completely separate for the forseeable future. Or maybe he had promised that he would leave you when he was good and ready. I’m so glad you’ve spoilt that plan if that was what he was up to. No sympathy for someone who has been given as many chances as him and who has squandered the lot. He took them all for granted and obviously thought you would carry on forgiving him forever. It’s very unlikely he would have ever learned the error of his ways and you can’t live like that, it would ruin you. Maybe it will take this huge dose of reality for him to finally be able to change his ways, but now that isn’t your problem or your responsibility. You’ve gone above and beyond and put more into your marriage trying to make it work than a lot of women in your position.

Do what’s best for you OP x

He is focussing on the wrong things in panic. There’s no a lot of point defending the sending of gifts because “she was in hospital” when he can’t even defend the fact that he was in contact with a woman he’d promised not to contact.