To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

He could restore his chats from
A previous iphone back up?

I’ve asked him to stay in the other house next week (he’s saying he wants to see the kids today). So it’s an almighty performance at home today and then tomorrow I am telling my parents and seeing a solicitor.

(My parents live nearby and will be able to help me with the kids if necessary - I also desperately need someone else’s opinion who knows me and cares about me)

I think that says everything you need to know OP. What a prick. It sounds like he’s going to actively be as big an asshole as he can be now.

Sorry. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Good luck. Take no shit.

Oh bless you. I think you have your proof. I’m sorry.

Well that’s it! If he won’t show you the messages then there is something more to hide. So much so that by showing you and proving it wasn’t physical to save your marriage, he would rather you leave him than show his innocence… which means he is lying.
why do men protest their innocence even when they are caught out, and apparently messages will show it wasn’t physical… but withhold evidence that would show it. Does he think you are stupid! What an idiot

So he’s got something to hide then.
What a fool.

So sorry OP. Glad you have your parents for support.

If you share the same computer, you can login to his iCloud and see the WhatsApp messages, but that’s only if he enabled the feature previously

Op stay strong. He doesnt deserve you. Everything will be ok. You decide what you want to happen now.

I’ve realised I don’t even want to see his sordid WhatsApp messages. I have no interest. She is welcome to him.

“If they do not prove an affair, then why wouldn’t I like to see them?”

Let him answer that

You might want to see the what's app messages to harden your resolve in times to come. Not giving them to you speaks volumes though. Let him look after the kids today, go to your parents and have some comfort. I wish things were different for you op.

It’s awful that he would rather ruin his marriage than let you see the chat.
I predict he’ll suddenly agree to show it to you in a few days , at which point he won’t be able to restore it, having made sure it’s erased forever but blaming some tech error.

He says you wouldn't like the content of their messages to one another@badgergirl5 does he?
I would worry that this means more than outrageous flirting. I would wonder if he had been slagging you off or telling lies about you to her.
He is one person to your face and another person behind your back.

So clearly they were messaging away on WhatsApp, and not strava, until recently, as Christmas wasn’t long ago and that won’t have been the end of the communication.

I wonder if the OW lived less than 100 miles away whether your husband would be feeling quite as shit.

Maybe she doesn’t want to move closer and by him going to her, seeing your kids is going to prove a bit of a ballache for him.

Oh well, he should have factored that detail into the fantasy life he was so happy building over the last few months/years.

Zero sympathy for him, but the tears show how desperate he is for you to feel sorry for him and how royally he knows he’s fucked up (how much he knows he deserves for you to leave him).

If he wants forgiveness and understanding he must be willing to show you the messages, even if you don’t want to read them. It’s a shame a friend can’t read them for you so they can give you the key info in a kinder way without you having to go through the harrowing details. Unfortunately I doubt that would be and option.

Bottom line tho - if he wants the marriage to work he needs to prove it by giving you full transparency, or how can he expect you to move forward?

If he won’t then he is so ashamed by the contents and how it’ll reflect on him if you told others that he is willing to put his ego before you, your kids and ultimately your marriage. Says it all really. Don’t buy him saying he wants it to work, will do anything you want etc. you want that.

Sorry he is being a cowardly little shitpot OP x

Why doesn't he know he was sending her gifts and showing off?

He must know why he chose to do these things.

@JaneAustensHeroine has it spot-on with the assessment.

And possibly false promises and photos

Stay strong OP, you've got this. The chat was obviously totally inappropriate, that's all you need to know. It seems that his interest in her has been greater than hers in him. But that matters not now. You're in a privileged position to enable him to move to the 2nd house. That gives you breathing space. And I'd let him be the one to tell the kids what has lead to the break up! He's fucked your marriage up, this is all on him. Sending hugs, chin up 🤗

The "clearly I have a problem" line that runs through his excuses is such a p*ss-take

"Wah it's not my fault"

How deeply unattractive

Yes, deeply unattractive. I can’t possibly love him any more as I feel hollow more than anything right now. And I already feel glimmers of excitement about being free of suspicion and doubt. It’s such a horrible way to live.
Our poor kids will be heartbroken and I will hate myself for that (yes I know it’s not my fault, but I am making an active decision to divorce their father).
I am wondering about calling her. Now that I’ve made the decision to leave, what’s the downside? I wouldn’t feel shame because the shame is all theirs. I don’t want to shout at her - I just want to ask her if she’s willing to tell me, in her own words, what has been going on. I will tell her that I know she’s single and I don’t blame her. I’ll also ask her if she wants to know what he has said about her (that she had a mental breakdown/ that she’s been in and out of hospital/ that he feels sorry for her).

Yes, he’ll be claiming he has depression, is over-stressed or is a porn/sex addict next. This was all just a fantasy, a diversion, an escape.

Anything to minimise his actions, shift personal responsibility and gain maximum sympathy. Good luck mate.

It's a perfectly normal response to want to speak to her. However my advice would be hold off for now - your emotions are going to be very up and down and will drive actions you could regret later.

It's something you could do once the dust has settled. You may not even want to/feel the need to by then. But it's a card you can hold, and there's a certain power in him knowing in the back of his mind that you could contact her at any time, even if you don't. Think more psychological warfare rather than blatant and obvious actions that risk your own dignity and power. Play the long game.

Would you tell your husband this is what you are going to do first or go ahead?

I’m sure he would fall to utter pieces if you told him first but he also might contact her to warn her and get their story straight. If the OW would be prepared to do this is another matter.

I’d be tempted to not tell him so you can catch her off guard, but he may have already let her know you know, and she might ignore your calls. If she lived closer you could ring her doorbell but 100 miles is a bit far really to have it out with her. Unless you feel that is really what you want. Let’s be honest, it’s the least you deserve. (And the pair of them for putting you through all this!)

Seriously, don’t waste your money.

you know what you need to know. And he’ll
cover his tracks/ cool things off now.

The thing you’ve got to weigh up is - if your husband went to therapy - he’s admitted he has a problem (attention seeking, validation from other women, whatever) and the therapist manages to change his mindset so he understands fully the damage he has done by this course of action and he manages to retain self control and never do it again - would you want him? You said you had a happy marriage (them looking back o think you said this has always cast a shadow) but of your husband was ‘a new man’ going forward, would that make a difference? Would you want to give him one final chance?

You’ve already given him more than he deserves but he hasn’t had someone else present him with the murky reflection of himself and the damage it is doing to his marriage, kids and ultimately to himself.

He may use this opportunity to never transgress again. But it’s no cast iron guarantee and he may be more mindful of emails int he future. It just depends on whether you’re mentally and emotionally strong enough and willing to go for one final attempt to keep the familyunit together - but NOBODY would blame you if you’ve already had enough. It isn’t you who has blown it apart and isn’t your sole responsibility x