To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

OP Maybe start a new thread to ask posters what you can expect from PI and timeframes etc.

I don’t know how regulated an industry it is and I imagine some, at least, will over promise and under deliver.

Might be good to find out before you hand over your money ie if that is the route you decide to go down.

I know that I would want to know facts too. It makes it easier to make long term decisions.

@DdyDaisyDaresYou Because anyone with half a brain would stop with the pathetic attempts to pull the wool over your eyes and face up to the consequences of their behaviour like an adult.

Yep. It's called "owning your shi-t" (aka: integrity), some people are terrible at it.

They may not be conventionally romantic but they are far far more personal than generic flowers or chocolates. He knows her very well.

Out of interest, what did he give you for Christmas op?

How many " clients " would be happy to receive a book about a personal ( and fairly intimate ) medical problem ?

Is this the sort of thing that would be shared during team meetings / client discussions etc ?

A scarf maybe?

Tbf at least Alan Rickmans character held his hands up to it...

Also ask him if his male clients also received chocolate and some sort of book about intimate problems.

"Look, "husband", I know... You can try and guess what I know or you can have some integrity and respect and tell me the truth. Then we can discuss what happens going forward. If you want to continue lying to me, and making up stories, then you can leave right now. The ball is in your court"

@sockinapot I got a lot more than that. To be fair he showers me with expensive gifts - it’s something he has always done. But like I said before, he’s not responsible for buying gifts for anyone else in the family or any other friends. I buy all those gifts.

@Adooree exactly. Why would it even come up in a meeting? He said she was telling them about her charity run and the “problems” she’d had.

I think the client-gift issue is going to be the clincher. How can he justify buying items like that for any client, let alone this specific one with all the back history attached? Is it company policy to buy gifts for clients? In what circumstances? Does every client get them? Who is in charge of buying? Why him specifically? And on a wknd? And 2 days before Xmas? How does he know her address, size, etc?

I can’t see how he can answer any of these questions expecting you to be ok with the answers.

I think telling him you want to speak to HR about the gift buying policy will be enough to rouse the truth out of him bc a) he’ll
know it’s bollox and he’ll be found out by you and b) he won’t want the sordid drama doing the rounds at the office when ppl find out his wife called to check up on him

Try and eat. I haven't eaten more than a little something once a day since my h and I split seven months ago. It's not great as making me unwell so please try and eat, even if you do have a knot in your stomach.

He won’t care if I say I want to talk to HR. He already said he took the lead “on behalf of the team” because they’re not allowed to expense client gifts at work. A pair of trainers and a top isn’t a big deal in the context of how much money he makes, but it would be a big deal to her. I can actually imagine he’d buy something under these circumstances but it’s the fact it’s HER, the nature of the gift and the fact it was sent to her home address that are problematic.

I guess the question is ‘why did you take the lead?’

And why, if they’re not allowed to expense gifts - what makes her so special? Is it a regular policy for everyone, women in general or just this particular person?

-sorry loads of typos today!

Speaking to his HR would be a good start, to ask why these sort of gifts are necessary? 1000% chance they will have no idea and he’ll look like an even bigger dick then he already does!
Tell him you plan on speaking to HR aswell!

if a team was buying presents for another person, they would sign something from the whole team? Give them to her together? Surely you can ask one of his colleagues if this story is true? Or if he is apparently telling the truth get him to message a work colleague informs of you so you can see the response etc..

lets be realistic tho, he’s bullshitting and he’s got caught out!! I wouldn’t worry about who believes what if you do divorce.. he’s already text you apologising, don’t stay with someone out of fear of what there actions will cause!

truth will always come out in the end, chances are if you were to separate it wouldn’t be long before this “other woman” comes out and says there in a relationship! Then everyone will know what really happened.

your children will understand, would you rather them have a happy mum rather then a worn down one dealing with unnecessary stress like this? He was lucky you gave him another chance after finding out last time!! You deserve better!

I'm an over sharer of the fact that I quite often will wet myself if I'm running over my fitness capabilities. It's possible I'd have shared this at work with a few people, men included, as I have no shame but I'd draw the line at a teams meeting and in general would be with people I know well enough to see the funny side of some of my embarrassing moments. I would actually be mortified if one of these people then went on to send me a book about hormones! Imagine a man thinking he needs to mansplain my own hormones to me! It's just entirely inappropriate to send something like that as a work gift and is so blatantly a personal thing. I'm not clear on how the hormones have got anything to do with the urinary incontinence anyway! I think there is very little chance she would describe her urinary incontinence with someone she fancies or used to fancy. The only circumstances I can see for doing that is if you were trying to put someone off! He's only said that to make you think there could be nothing romantic about it. There's no rhyme or reason to why you would send that gift to someone you had promised not to contact again and it's utter bs that he'd forgotten he wasn't allowed to be in contact. Funny how he's remembered it now though! Sorry for what you're going through. xx

An appropriate client gift in these circumstances would be a water bottle with your "dh's" company logo on it, or sponsorship for her run. It's a load of crap.

He sent those gifts because he was either already sleeping with her or was madly flirting with her because he wanted to sleep with her. Either way, he is a scumbag.

His need to be the knight in shining armour to women with problems seems to overpower all else. When my former partner did this he said that he was simply trying to be a good person and what was wrong with that? It reminded me of something I read in a book on relationships which said “Be careful of men who always try to please people. They will want to please whoever is in front of them…”

I’m sorry you are going through this OP because his need for positive strokes seems to outweigh common sense. Lack of boundaries kills relationships.

This is all the proof you need: if he can't provide this, you have 100% proved he is lying to you.

@badgergirl5 where are you at?

Is the only option for you divorce or are you still open to the possibility of working things out?

Because I think if your position is that the only outcome here is divorce, there's a limit to how much you're willing to listen to.

Unfortunately OP has recently mentioned that his work doesn’t expense client gifts. So it seems like the only way to prove it was a business gift is to see some sort of email chain with other co workers agreeing which clients are getting presents, who’s buying what for which client etc.

@DdyDaisyDaresYou ive spent the whole day imagining the divorce. I want to be divorced from him and to move on with my life as I don’t think he will give me the honest confession, explanation and work on himself the way I would want him to. But I am terrified of how to do this. I don’t want to tell the kids before the end of the school year. I’d want them to have the summer holidays to work through it so how should I behave before then? I don’t think he will be reasonable in going along with anything. I want to ask him to move into our other property next week but what if he refuses? What do I do?