To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

And if his company is buying gifts for clients then it should have been paid for by his company credit card and it would be formally logged under “Client Entertaining.”

It's really CRUEL of him to pretend to be perplexed. 🤬 Gaslighting and emotional abuse to cover his infidelity and make you seem unreasonable and unhinged. He's such a c*! I never use the c-word but he deserves it.

You'd said at one point about saying her name or asking him to say her name. That would just give him clues. Say nothing.

You are doing really well not showing what you know. I bet he's trying to figure out where he has slipped up.

His next thing if he hasn't already will be to try and access your devices and apps to try and find out what you know. I'd suggest changing any locks/pins on your phone, email passwords if they're connected to your mn account. Wipe your history on devices etc.

He will be desperate to figure it out so that he can convince you of his innocence. 😡

Also where are your screenshots? If they're on your phone think about a second place to like emailing them to yourself (another reason to keep your devices and accounts secure).

I was just about to say this! How does he explain that. MORE importantly- how does he know her clothes size??

I don’t understand why you need to collect evidence. You’ve had years of evidence. All you need to do is leave him when you feel ready to. Read about how to prepare children for divorce and organise the finances then tell him you’re splitting.

Regardless of anything else at this point, you are never going to trust him again. He is the one in the wrong (be that now or with the previous incidents), not you. You’ve done nothing wrong and yet you’re the one suffering with the turmoil. You don’t deserve that life, you deserve so much more.

Well done OP. Don't crack, hold your nerve and dig your heels in for the sake of your self respect! You are doing amazing.

Keep your head held high and don't show him a women broken, but a woman firm and strong who has drawn a line and refuses to accept being treated like crap. Keep your power! Even when he starts to come forward.

He will drip feed and it will be in the hope you will crack and succumb as some point. You'll know when you get the truth as you'll see him a broken man before you.

Just hold your nerve OP , there will be more. This tactic is working x

These are not appropriate gifts for a client. If I received these I would be very freaked out.
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How did he know her size? How did he know her address?^
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If it is an innocent as he is claiming then he should be able to show receipt where company reimbursed him for the cost. Presumably there would also be professional correspondence from OW thanking him for the gift via. work email etc.
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OP reading along like so many others

What a POS he is.

Keep holding your nerve, even once he has mentioned everything you know about, keep holding out. Like someone said above, how does he know her clothes size? Clothes are intimate enough to not be work related. Gifts to clients are nearly always universal things (basically anything you would find in a hamper!) not running gear.

can you get him to stay home with the kids for a few hours, make sure your location on everything is off and go to your other house .. any other evidence you need is probably in the wheels bin (there can’t be much else in there if he doesn’t stay there often). Tell him you need to pop out for to get some head space.

so sorry this is happening to you.

Have you considered hiring a private investigator?

He's had a long time to go over his emails etc and check what you might know. He's worked out what you might know and he's got it right. By staying quiet and not accepting that these gifts are everything he's done he should confess to more which there definitely will be. As a PP said ask for proof of reimbursement of these 'client gifts' and her professional thank you note. If this was all innocent he would have already mentioned it and would probably have suggested to his team that someone else bought the gift so as not to have too much personal involvement with her.

without trust and respect this marriage is not healthy. Staying for the kids will just make you very bitter and unhappy.
I think it’s time for him to leave OP. I’d be honest with the kids , this is as a result of their father behaviour.

I think that there are two types of people - some commenting saying you know enough to leave, don’t dig. And others like me who would need to know the whole truth.

I agree with PP that he’s gone through his emails and worked out what you know and is now confident that all he needs to provide is an explanation for the gifts.
I don’t consider this progress, in fact it shows that he’s decided to go down the lying route again. He has no intention to admit to anything else unless he thinks you know more.

Don't let on that the gifts are what you know about. If you wanted to, you could even say you didn't know about the gifts and see him squirm.

I assume you didn't find any evidence of other gifts sent from him to any other clients.

There are also some industries where hospitality is not allowed or have to be declared.

I hope you are ok OP. You are a very strong woman.

There will be more. This is the minimum he thinks he has to admit to in order to smooth things over. Hold your nerve. I know it's not easy.

Are you ok OP? It’s easy for us to tell you what you should do. It isn’t our life and children’s futures and until we are in the same position, nobody knows how they would really react.

He’s out for the day with our son while I’m with DD.
He has been texting he’s so very sorry. His story seems to be that he forgot the “context” of their texting in 2015 and so, when she reappeared as a client, he didn’t think he needed to mention it to me. He can now see that the presents look bad but they were sent with the intention of being from his whole team.
Don’t worry, I’m not falling for it. He would never send them to her home address if they were presents from his team. And he is pretending the book was on a topic he can’t remember but “maybe something to do with urinary stuff” (please do roll around laughing at this one - I’ve told him that’s what my friends will be doing.)
He said she’s been “in and out of hospital” and the running is to raise money so that’s why they bought her trainers (hmm instead of sponsorship!???) and the book was to help with her specific hospital issues. WTF. He’s so pathetic it’s just a joke.

At this stage I would actually love to hire a private investigator but this seems like something from movies and not real life. Does anyone know a reputable firm and what they could actually do?!!

I do OP, but which area of the country are you in? The one I could recommend is in the north west.

So he's saying this woman told him and his team about her urinary problems, during a works meeting!! Then the team decided to send her a book on the issues 😲 omg he is clutching at straws. Would he like you to contact HR to confirm these gifts.....
I'm betting the trainers were sent around about her birthday too. He obviously thinks you are an idiot.
Hold firm OP. Unfortunately there will be more to come. I hope you are getting through the day as best you can. Can anyone have the kids tonight or tomorrow, to give you a break?

He’s so full of BS. Is he really arrogant enough to think you’ll buy this nonsense?

I really wouldn’t waste your time or money on a private investigator. Although potentially satisfying for you he seems pretty brazen anyway and he won’t ever be as contrite about his actions as he should be even if presented with irrefutable facts. He’s clearly always been on the look-out for some side fun and he’s already done the mental gymnastics to justify his behaviour. He won’t take responsibility for it and I think that’s what you feel like you need. I understand that feeling.

im really sorry you’re going through this. It’s so awful. I’ve also been there. The thought of child custody etc is sickening and worrisome. It says everything about him and nothing about you. You deserve better ❤️

@jenny38 oh the trainers were sent the day before Christmas Eve…

To be honest my emotions are oscillating so much. I’m finding his lying so awful and brazen that it’s almost amusing, until I remember what has to come next. However he hasn’t once tried to pull “you’re mental” - his texts are fully apologetic, so I would hope he will continue to admit more.
Thanks @Moccasin but that’s not the right area for me. I have googled and actually they look better than I thought. I think I’m going to do it - would just satisfy me to be able to prove his utterly ridiculous lies. I know this doesn’t make sense to everyone but I need this.

He’s bought her Christmas presents? Oh OP I’m so sorry. Please don’t let him talk you round this definitely isn’t innocent. Ah sending a massive virtual hug because as you said it’s like something out of a movie and it’s probably so hard to fathom it’s real life.