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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

791 replies

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 16:38

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

OP posts:
SallyIsEverSoNice · 10/02/2024 08:00

And also please remember that you are worth more than this. You sound like you're in a relatively strong financial position. I know you feel it will affect your children (and let's be honest, it will) but don't underestimate how damaging it is for children to live in a household of uncertainty and unspoken things- they will pick up on tension anyway and not know why. Your job is to show them that you (and they) deserve respect.

You know deep down something is up because of his behaviour yesterday. You must stay strong.

PinkCardigan93 · 10/02/2024 08:07

Don't give in and say that OP! You will only be told lies. Also it rings of low personal boundaries saying to think that you think you want to work through this with him.
I personally, would make it more black and white. I would assume the worst in him. He is a liar, a cheat, lusting after other women and lying to you on a long term basis. Even if he hasn't slept with this woman (which is looks extremely likely he has) then he has had a full blown emotional affair which is also cheating.

In your shoes I wouldn't be debating staying or going. Knowing he doesn't respect me or prioritize me over another women would be enough for me to tell him to do one. That's having strong healthy boundaries.

And I've found that's actually the only thing men like this will actually respond to.

Tell him your leaving him as you know everything and will not be a mug. Let out your rage without telling him what you actually know. Don't tell him your hurt and sad, instead, show him you respect yourself and won't put up with his bull*t. Take back your damned power.

I suspect, that's the only chance you'll have to get any glimmer of truth from him, and in fighting to get you back or keep you he may be willing to come clean and bear all.

You've got to do it from a place that comes from putting yourself first, respecting yourself and finding the warrior within. And not being dragged into his shitty excuses. Don't even give him air.

QueenBean22 · 10/02/2024 08:40

I think should reveal as little as possible but you know he is still in contact about her and that he cares about her.

Pussycat22 · 10/02/2024 08:54

Narcissistic and gaslighting. Stop torturing yourself. Bless you
.

Original poster
badgergirl5 · 10/02/2024 09:02

There has been some progress. He came to me and said her name - just one word. And then “I can explain about the running gear.”
So he’s worked out it’s her, and has assumed I’ve learned about the most recent present (the other two gifts were spread out in the year). I have told him to go away and I don’t know what he means by running gear.
I guess at least this shows (possibly) that there’s no other names. He knew it was her the second he deleted her from strava and now he’s willing to admit it.

OP posts:
Original poster
badgergirl5 · 10/02/2024 09:03

Thank you for taking me out of saying anything else. Turns out I didn’t need to. I had simply said to him this morning that there’s no more to discuss and it’s over. Then, 10 minutes later, I got those two sentences.

OP posts:
NoTeaNoShade · 10/02/2024 09:05

Are you open to reconciling if you feel he tells you what you believe to be the whole truth today?

jenny38 · 10/02/2024 09:05

At the very least ( and let’s face it this is not likely to be a non sexual relationship) he has formed a long term emotional relationship with another women. He is well aware of how disrespectful this is. You have caught him out in various guises twice before, so this is a pattern that isn’t going to stop. It’s not a moment of madness, it’s prolonged and considered. I totally understand your need for more information and proof. But realistically you are unlikely to get the proof you want. What are your deal breakers? Would you stay if he could convince you the gifts were nothing more than that? Would you believe him if he said he would have no more contact with her?Personally I would get the kids looked after and sit down and talk. It don’t underestimate the enormity of leaving your marriage and many have stayed in your circumstances. For me the fact that you have already had to police his boundaries before, would mean this will not stop. I’m sure he said all the right things last time, I probably meant them at the time, but he isn’t able to stick to them. I’m so sorry he has been such a huge disappointment, but you only have one life.

DrunkenElephant · 10/02/2024 09:06

Keep your cool, keep silent.

He's already started telling you bits, more will come. Do not say anything else.

Im sorry you’re going through this x

jenny38 · 10/02/2024 09:08

Sorry, posted without reading your most recent post. You are doing well op.

Thementalloadisreal · 10/02/2024 09:16

It’s good that he mentioned the running gear voluntarily, it confirms you were on the right path and that he is admitting the most recent things at least ( but what on earth will his excuse be for it?!)

I think it’s wise to keep quiet on what you know and don’t know but personally whenever presented with a little bit of info now my response would be “yes, and…” to encourage more truths

BlueGrey1 · 10/02/2024 09:18

He’s had feelings for her ( and her him) for a very long time now, this has been going on ( granted on and off presumably ) for at least 9 years since 2015, not sure I could get over this

QueenBean22 · 10/02/2024 09:24

BlueGrey1 · 10/02/2024 09:18

He’s had feelings for her ( and her him) for a very long time now, this has been going on ( granted on and off presumably ) for at least 9 years since 2015, not sure I could get over this

I agree, these feelings are never going to go away

Gainom · 10/02/2024 09:25

@MsDogLady at 04.52 has it perfectly.

Threecrows · 10/02/2024 09:26

badgergirl5 · 10/02/2024 09:03

Thank you for taking me out of saying anything else. Turns out I didn’t need to. I had simply said to him this morning that there’s no more to discuss and it’s over. Then, 10 minutes later, I got those two sentences.

This man is pathetic. He has no interest in being honest with you. He thinks that if he just doubles down and denies it, you will forget about it.

what way is that to conduct a relationship and treat the person you love?

This is why you need to leave him. Not directly because of who he may or may not have shagged, but because he thinks so little of you, that he thinks it’s ok to gaslight you and continue to lie. He is making zero effort.

i suspect the only reason he is with you is because he doesn’t want to split assets.

Denialisagirlsbestfriend · 10/02/2024 09:29

badgergirl5 · 10/02/2024 09:02

There has been some progress. He came to me and said her name - just one word. And then “I can explain about the running gear.”
So he’s worked out it’s her, and has assumed I’ve learned about the most recent present (the other two gifts were spread out in the year). I have told him to go away and I don’t know what he means by running gear.
I guess at least this shows (possibly) that there’s no other names. He knew it was her the second he deleted her from strava and now he’s willing to admit it.

I’m intrigued how he can ‘explain’ buying running gear for a woman he’s previously had an affair with, who he isn’t suppose to be in contact with anymore. As soon as she tried to add him on Strava, he should have come straight to you and told you. In hiding it, buying her gifts, being in contact with her he’s just obliterated any trust you may have rebuilt.

This would be a hard no for me, you forgave him once and he’s thrown it back in your face. If you forgive him again he’ll just do it again. I couldn’t live with a man like that, you only get one life why would you want to spend it with someone that shows you such little respect. Your strong enough OP, you don’t need him in your life.

abouttogetlynched · 10/02/2024 09:51

💪 you’ve got this OP. We’re all behind you!

Original poster
badgergirl5 · 10/02/2024 09:58

More. He’s now texting me as I won’t engage at all with the kids in the house. Latest text says she’s now a client (given I know her place of work and have read her job description, this is actually likely to be true). Apparently their paths crossed again when she started that job. She has had “a handful of meetings” with his team in London, they discussed running and health in front of others too and he followed up with a book and running gear as gifts from his team. Can’t explain why he paid for them!!! Hilarious. Hasn’t admitted to the chocolates. I’ve told him I find it very amusing watching his lies.

OP posts:
Original poster
badgergirl5 · 10/02/2024 10:07

Oh and buying gifts for clients just isn’t a thing. Especially sent to their home address. He is pathetic.

OP posts:
Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 10/02/2024 10:31

OP, been following with interest but had to comment. He’s trying to nuance to what seems acceptable in my opinion. If it was innocent or acceptable, he would’ve told you from the get go given the history.

Thementalloadisreal · 10/02/2024 10:36

A book about hormones is a really inappropriate gift for a business client 😂😂

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 10/02/2024 10:39

Exactly. That’s intimate in my opinion. Hope you’re ok by the way, this must be so hard. You’re incredibly brave and strong x

DdyDaisyDaresYou · 10/02/2024 10:40

badgergirl5 · 10/02/2024 09:58

More. He’s now texting me as I won’t engage at all with the kids in the house. Latest text says she’s now a client (given I know her place of work and have read her job description, this is actually likely to be true). Apparently their paths crossed again when she started that job. She has had “a handful of meetings” with his team in London, they discussed running and health in front of others too and he followed up with a book and running gear as gifts from his team. Can’t explain why he paid for them!!! Hilarious. Hasn’t admitted to the chocolates. I’ve told him I find it very amusing watching his lies.

Edited

Yes, girl 💪

This is why I advised holding your nerve, you let him spinout his lies, trip himself up and you'll find out much more this way than by just asking or pleading with him to be honest. He traps himself in his own web.

Don't expect to find out everything but hopefully enough to give you closure x

DdyDaisyDaresYou · 10/02/2024 10:41

Oh & make sure you save the texts

MadeForThis · 10/02/2024 10:44

He's had plenty of time to think of excuses.