To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

"You haven't covered your tracks as well as you think. Grow a pair and stop pretending."

Did you screenshot the Strava before he unfollowed? Hopefully you did.
she’ll reach out again soon surely, somehow. If it’s still going on it won’t just abruptly end. If you can gain access to his phone slyly every few days, checking all apps etc, you can see which one she pops up at. Maybe even suggest putting a ring up in your other property? “To deter burglars”

You can only 'force' him to talk if you are prepared to issue him an ultimatum. Otherwise you will end up in a never ending cold war or this will just fade away.

I’ve been in your shoes and the problem is that he’ll NEVER tell you the whole truth no matter what ‘ evidence’ you have.
If he has been deceitful for all these years, he is good at it and is not morally troubled by lying. He will not suddenly confess all the details.
Choose what you really want- a divorce ( and possibly never knowing the truth about all this) or stay and try to move on.
Also if you don’t want to be in the relationship, consider why you want to know details as they may achieve nothing and cause you pain. Good luck.

This is a genius idea 👏🏻

Or just put up a hidden camera without telling him... it's your home too.

And I know it's said all the time on MN, but it's still true. An innocent DH would be falling over himself to reassure you. Not leaving you alone to torture yourself with possibilities.

This speaks volumes I think. What an actual wanker.

Hope you're ok OP. Xx

I’ve now lost count of how many times he’s said “can you please just tell me. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I think you need to put a time limit on it, because this could go on forever and it'll die down and then possibly get brushed under the carpet. Maybe say " if you don't start talking by tomorrrow night (for example) I'm packing your things"

I’ve read most of this thread and just wanted to say how really sorry I am that you’re going through this OP.

He’s a complete prick.

I think k you have to make a decision OP.

I think you would be happier without him!

You need to try to see his work phone I think.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

I hope your only reply is 'Oh yes you do', then walk away. Don't be the first to blink.

I’ve sent him away and said there is literally nothing to talk about if he’s sticking to his clueless act.

Like PP I would be inclined to tell him to start talking before X day/time otherwise his life is going to start unravelling before his eyes.
Stay strong, you've got this! 💪🏼

Maybe you should ask him: "So how did your girlfriend liked the presents? Did she enjoyed the "hormones" book as much as me?". Leave it there, say no more. Don't disclose any more, he doesn't know how much info you have on him. Let him sh-it on his pants a little. See what he says. Don't tell him you snooped on his emails.

Don't say this. You don't know for sure this woman is the affair partner or the only affair partner.

He might actually be relieved that you are on this track because that means you missed a more incriminating scent.

I wouldn’t reveal any of what you know. Sent him away to the other property? Stay strong op

Great start.
Now start the paperwork gathering of financial information, passports etc. plan for separation and think about what you will need.

Hold firm OP.

How long can you keep this up OP? Do you not feel like life will be happening and kids being home will mean that conversations about day to day things are going to naturally be happening? It gives him chance to wheedle his way back in and have things progressively back to normal.
I think I would be inclined to calmly say that you know more than he clearly realises and no amount of covering his tracks now is going to change what you already know. It’s irrefutable. Ask him if he can have the decency to be honest with you over the weekend or he’s out/you’re leaving by Monday. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” - oh yes you fucking do and I suggest you be honest with me now because I want to try and work through this, but I can’t work through things with someone who lies to me and can’t even have the respect to admit the truth.
Hopefully you can get something out of him OP, and if not then stick to your guns and after the weekend is game changing time.

But isn’t this saying there’s nothing to talk about his opportunity to not talk about it and hope that it gradually goes away? He will surely be squirming wondering what you know, but will be hoping that he can just be normal and with you not talking about it things can just start getting back to normal. Like after an unresolved argument.

Well done. Stay strong.