To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

Thanks so much for the support. I actually think his most likely question/ comment will be “what are you talking about? I’m completely confused.” In which case, I plan to keep saying that i’m waiting for him to be honest with me and I have nothing else to say.

I think the way you are planning to play it is brilliant. Just be mute and cool with him until he starts speaking. Keep us posted and good luck.

Delete the email to the BIL rather than leaving it in drafts. Too much risk that your DH will see it (if he can access your emails) or that you'll end up sending it by mistake.

I think this suggests they know each other quite well?

Be strong OP. Remember, you do not actually need this man.

Could you call his bluff and say you’ve received anonymous message saying something and would he like to tell you what’s going on and if he has any ideas of who would send that and why? And tell him that it reminded you that you’d also received some a few years ago…..

So you have her name and address. You could contact her and ask what’s going on. She is probably easy enough to find on social media.

You don’t have to seek for a “clever” way to catch him. Takes too much of your energy and is ultimately demeaning.

Stay strong OP. Even if there's no more to the story (although serms unlikely) he has betrayed your trust and behaved inappropriately again.

This all sounds awful tbh. I hate it when people who behave despicably reduce me to weird behaviour. And yes, like others, I have been there. People on here love drama and will encourage you to do all sorts. But, as others have said, If you have to resort to these behaviours it is over. No need for strategies etc. whether he has cheated or not you don’t like him. Admit it and move on.

If you want to save your marriage, and love your husband, then couples therapy is the answer.
Otherwise, divorce.
Tbh, this isn't overwhelming evidence. Maybe he is just friends with her? Or maybe I'm naive...

@Bzybee Maybe he’s just friends with her…Or maybe I'm naive..

You’re naive. A man who regularly gives gifts to a woman he’s sending flirty messages with is not “just friends”.

A calm voice of reason among 100's of angry, vengeful comments.

I can’t believe people think they might just be friends. @Bzybee my husband doesn’t buy presents for his own family and friends. Why would he need a special friendship with a woman who he promised he would never contact again? Have you RTFT?

If you want to save your marriage, and love your husband, then couples therapy is the answer.

That's not true. Therapy only works - in this case couples therapy - if both parties want to make it work, want to understand what things have gone wrong and why, and want to commit to making the changes needed to save the marriage. There is no evidence here that the DH wants any of those things. No amount of therapy will allow OP to rescue the relationship on her own.

Don't do this s. Too easy to start blaming someone else and blindside you into going off topic with what you know.

And even if both want the marriage to work therapy might not be enough.

I’m going to suggest something that probably isn’t a good idea, but I’ve re-read the thread and the man sounds a colossal arsehole. If you wanted to stir trouble between him and this utter c*nt woman (I know ppl will be offended by this, but she knew he was married when she professed her attraction to him before she left years ago, and all the rest that’s recently surfaced, so she is one in my book)
—anyway, OP you could tell your husband that you’ve received a message listing the gifts that he has allegedly sent another woman, and you and you can tell him exactly what these are. You won’t have to tell him you found them via his emails, and you’ve received related anonymous messages before so it’s nothing odd or out of the blue. As these items you list will be correct, he will naturally assume this woman has told you in order to sow discord, get him to leave you, whatever, and he will likely tackle her about this. She’ll deny it, so his other explanation is she’s told someone else who has then contacted you. Either way, it’ll create some much deserved angst for the both of them.

Only a suggestion but is the least that’s owing to the pair of them.

The fact he gave a couple of presents to another woman is not “solid evidence” and he is going to use this “non evidence” to death. I don’t think that’s the right approach. I’m not sure what’s the right approach either 🤣

I agree it’s not out and out proof they’ve been physical, I guess it’s all the stuff OP has mentioned and the fact he doesn’t ever buy family or friends presents which shows this woman is special to him. The communication is likely to have been over strava which he has deleted, so he doesn’t want his wife to read their messages. If it was just a friendly load of catch-ups why would he hide it? OP has given him another chance(s) after previous inappropriate texting, no one would blame her for wanting to see him wriggle quite a bit after the emotional stress he’s put her through

Please not another poster who relieves cheating husbands because it was the OW’s fault.

Shes single. He is married. ALL the responsibility for this is with him.

I’ve never been married and have been with my DP for over a decade. I’ve never been cheated on, to my knowledge, in any relationship. But I can empathise with ppl - men and women - who are treated like shit and feel angry for them.

ALL the responsibility for this isn’t with him. How? If he presented himself as a single man and pursued her, then yes. We know that’s not what happened though don’t we. She chose to confess she fancied him on her last day at work and went into detail about blushing and whatnot to flatter his ego. How was this necessary? What do you think her goal was? She and OP’s husband then exchanged messages arranging to meet up behind OP’s back at night. OP found out and her husband ‘ended’ things with the single OW. Years later SHE has sought to make contact with him again! How is none of the responsibility hers?? She is engaging with a married man who has children for a second time. Just bc she didn’t make any vows to OP doesn’t excuse her selfish and totally shitty behaviour, are you serious? Someone who actively targets someone in this situation is not an innocent bystander. It would be the same if a man was pursuing a married mother. Shitty behaviour. They’re both culpable.

@Sceptical123 i agree with you. Which probably isn’t surprising. I have never been someone’s other woman and I would never want to be that person. But I still attribute 90% of the blame to him. Her 10% is still far from negligible though.
He is home now and doing exactly what I thought he would do - acting perplexed and clueless.

It’s making me so angry that he can treat me like this when I know he has deleted her from strava. At the very least, he has suspicions that I’ve seen that and he knows it doesn’t look good. So why act like he has no idea?

When will you get a chance to speak to him OP?

I would calmly repeat to him „I know” and then tell him pretending he doesn’t have a clue what’s happening will not work, deleting things and cleansing his phone will not work, trying to wait you out will not work. And that the longer he keeps playing clueless the more damage he’s causing.

my worry is that there might have been more than this one OW and he might actually not be sure what you know about and what he can continue to hide…