To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

Hi OP,
You've had lots of messages here already of all sorts, but I wanted to say, sending you big hugs! You are not alone and it must be really hard.

My advice for what its worth - be clear if you can, in your mind what you want. You matter, you are half of this relationship. Its ok for all of us to say do this, do that, but take the time for self care and think about what you want, and what you are willing to accept or not accept.

People can, (if they want to!) - get over issues in their relationships. Maybe this is the opportunity now for you to work out if you think you both can do this. I say this because you mention your kids and that you have also experienced happiness in your marriage. Maybe this is the opportunity to ask your DH what he truly wants, why is he doing what he is doing? Is he happy? Will he ever be? If you are able to say and ask this in a calm manner, he maybe more open to explain what's really going on - and that might help you make decisions. I personally would not focus on the OW or gifts, I would focus on you, him and your relationship. the OW and gifts are symptoms of unmet needs, you also have unmet needs too I bet (everyone does!).

Its great that you are financially independent - I completely understand your concerns about what impact this has on kids and (in my opinion) you are 100% right to consider this into your decision, because of course it impacts them. I know many will tell you kids will be happier, role model etc, but these are not small decisions, and there are no guaranteed outcomes of your childrens happiness.

I'm coming from a place of lived experience - full circle of all the things you have described and gone through and more, twice over. Please be kind to yourself and take care. xxx

@kayfrey001

the OW and gifts are symptoms of unmet needs

What a load of rubbish. Affairs are symptoms of entitlement, faithlessness and selfishness. If someone's needs are unmet in a relationship then they can either raise this with their partner in order to improve the relationship or they can leave.

They don't get to deceive their partner into believing that everything is fine and dandy whilst investing time, effort, energy, emotions, money and who knows what else in other relationships.

I am very sorry that you have experienced cheating in your relationship; it is all on your partner and not your fault or responsibility.

I still don't understand why he would send her a book about hormones.

Even if he had heard @badgergirl5 mentioning the book, it seems unusual for a man to think he'd send it to a woman who has admitted she fancied him. It's the sort of book you might buy for a friend but (and I hope I am not being sexist thinking this) from woman to woman, rather than from a man to a female friend.

It's also not the sort of book you would give an affair partner, is it?!

the OW and gifts are symptoms of unmet needs, you also have unmet needs too I bet (everyone does!).

This is rubbish. People might ‘forgive’ cheating and be convinced of the above but it simply isn’t true.

Cheating is always a choice.

@febgmt2200 the book is a lifestyle book (for women) about how hormones interact with energy, nutrition, sleep etc. To me it showed that they have had some serious conversations and it can’t possibly just be a text/ Strava relationship. He was trying to send her something helpful and that shows he cares. I really don’t think it’s innocent.

I was reading the book next to him in bed and enthusing about how I couldn’t wait to try some of the suggestions. He sent her a copy the same week I was reading mine. It makes me feel more sick than the other two gifts.

Cheating isn't a symptom of unmet needs because it is a choice to cheat.

A person could instead choose to speak up about their unmet needs to their partner.

Yes, that would devastate me too.

What an arsehole.

I know how tempting this is, but don’t do it.

if you contact the brother, tell him once you’ve made the decision to leave ( which really is the only option). In that case, just say that you have decided to leave your husband, that you wanted to let him know and to say your reasons, which are you have evidence that he cheated. You can say that while things haven’t worked out with DH, you’ve always felt supported by his family, and would like to remain on good terms with his family. Partly for the children’s sake, partly because they are good people.
you can also pre empt your DH’s likely hate campaign against you by saying that you expect DH to deny what you are saying, but reassure your BIL that you wouldn’t leave a marriage lightly. You have evidence of more than one inappropriate relationship with another woman and this has continued for at least ten years.

Deleting her from Strava is very, very odd if it's all innocent.

The lack of contact is unsettling. Do you think he’s going to play innocent and deny everything and say he wasn’t in contact because he was busy today and didn’t have time to deal with you being ‘crazy’ etc

Or has he found you on MN???

@Bringtheweatherwithyou i can’t bear to think he’s found this. That would be awful but I think very unlikely as I don’t even talk about MN.
I think your first suggestion is how he is going to react though - that he’s so so busy and doesn’t have time for this nonsense.

I don’t even know whether to text and ask him whether he’s coming back soon. He would normally come back early on Friday and I thought I’d have time to see how he’s going to react before the kids come home.

When do you think your next face to face contact will be?

Sorry, cross post x

No, don't
The moment you do, you give all the power back to him

Do not be the supplicant here, op, be judge & jury

Hold your nerve, op

@DdyDaisyDaresYou thank you, I needed that. I’m so gutted that he’s probably going to hide. He will turn up when the kids are already here so that there’s no chance to talk (I’m not going to talk about this anyway, but he will be able to avoid saying anything).

Just wait. He's bricking it because he doesn't know how much you know. Whether deliberately or accidentally (by telling him 'I know') you've played a blinder here OP. The longer you leave it, the more it messes with his head. I know you want answers but you're more likely to get them if you're in control. And leaving him to sweat gives you the control. Play the long game.

Oh my XH did that. He gave his girlfriend a book I'd raved about. I got a book that I presume she'd raved about. I put it straight in the bin.

Hold your nerve, don’t text and ask him anything.

When you do manage to talk he will ask you how much you know. Smile evilly and ask 'how much is there to know?' Make him lead. You have some doubts because you're really only reacting to the emails but you have to act as though you have proof and know everything. Don't wobble. He's giving himself away more already by the way he's behaving.

So sorry this is happening to you again OP. From your updates and how he’s now gone silent if it was me I’d assume the worst tbh, if he was innocent he would be coming home to clear his name. The fact he’s more occupied with deleting any evidence and covering tracks and not with comforting or explaining to you says it all. Hold your nerve and simply repeat his questions back to him when he decided to rear his head:

“What do you know”
“What do you think I know”
“Do you think I’ve cheated”
“Have you cheated?”
“Have you been checking my phone”
”why, is there something you don’t want me to see on your phone” etc etc

This.

Keep strong, op. He is more fearful of the confrontation than you are. Keep hold of your power.

You set the time, not him.

He thinks he can manipulate things by going silent? Nice try, sunshine! He's about to discover what you're made of.

He's a coward and you've got his number.

Don’t contact him OP. It’s a power game now. Wait it out. Your silence will be unsettling him as much as his is unsettling you. Hold your nerve.