Page 12 | To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

badgergirl5 · 2024-02-08T16:38:43+00:00

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth. This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!). Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble. So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat. Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone. first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents? I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

SlightlyJaded · 09/02/2024 10:43

@Ramalangadingdong OP is distressed. She doesn't have to respond to every question we ask and she doesn't need to 'told off' for it.

I know you mean well, but honestly.

Original poster

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 10:52

@Ramalangadingdong the other woman - as opposed to this one who he has been sending gifts to - is someone from the past who knew both of us. She lives in another country now. It was the same story - a series of completely inappropriate texts between them plus discussions that they were going to meet up for a big night out when I was due to be away.

OP posts:

Original poster

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 10:55

I have just written a huge draft email to his brother. There is no one in real life I have told about this (hence my obsession with checking messages on here - this is taking the place of talking to friends who might never forgive him and cloud my judgment).
I am wondering whether to tell his brother everything and see what he thinks. It might seem like a strange choice, but my husband’s brother is a VERY moral and decent person - he doesn’t have a flirty bone in his body. But he loves my husband very much and I feel his advice could help. I just want to ask him what he thinks and, I suppose, take the first step towards getting this into the open. He lives in America and that’s why I’m sending an email that he can read in his own time - he won’t be able to rush round to see either of us and he will have to consider it and reply from arm’s length.

OP posts:

eggbot · 09/02/2024 10:57

Ramalangadingdong · 09/02/2024 10:38

Op, you haven’t answered a question I posed earlier. I asked if you thought this young woman could have sent the anonymous texts and you said no because she doesn’t have your number but you said another ow might have sent them. I asked how SHE got your number but you didn’t respond.

Show quote history

Jeez OP's going through stuff stop demanding answers!

eggbot · 09/02/2024 10:58

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 10:55

I have just written a huge draft email to his brother. There is no one in real life I have told about this (hence my obsession with checking messages on here - this is taking the place of talking to friends who might never forgive him and cloud my judgment).
I am wondering whether to tell his brother everything and see what he thinks. It might seem like a strange choice, but my husband’s brother is a VERY moral and decent person - he doesn’t have a flirty bone in his body. But he loves my husband very much and I feel his advice could help. I just want to ask him what he thinks and, I suppose, take the first step towards getting this into the open. He lives in America and that’s why I’m sending an email that he can read in his own time - he won’t be able to rush round to see either of us and he will have to consider it and reply from arm’s length.

I really wouldn't. No good will come of it

Original poster

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 10:59

@eggbot why do you say that? Won’t he find out eventually anyway?

OP posts:

PanettonePudding · 09/02/2024 11:03

candycane222 · 09/02/2024 09:44

OP you have plenty of evidence that he was having a relationship of some kind - friendly, mentor/mentee/emotional affair/sexual affair/whatever IN SECRET, WITH SOMEONE HE HAD PREVIOUSLY CONFESSED TO AN INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP WITH AND PROMISED TO CUT CONTACT WITH. And then rushed to hide the evidence about when confronted. Entirely disrespectful, and scarcely the actions of someone you can trust, now, and quite possibly, ever again.

You have the evidence for all of that. Him telling third parties you are 'mad' for leaving him based on this sounds like a fools errand on his part. On the face of it most people (except perhaps other deceitful spouses) would consider that absolutely shameful behaviour, and if he can't win back your trust, why would you want to share your life with him. That's no way to live.

This. You have all the evidence you need to prove he betrayed you again. He doesn't have to admit anything further.

Inthebitterend · 09/02/2024 11:03

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 19:19

I don’t agree that they are innocent gifts. She stopped working at the same company 9 years ago and, even when she did work there, she was the young girl with a crush on him who blushed whenever he spoke to her (those were HER words in the texts that I found). He barely knew her at work - she texted him as she was leaving her job to “ask for work advice” and admit to him that she fancied him. He lapped it up. Why on earth would he ever need to innocently send presents to a girl like that, who now lives and works on the other side of the country?

It’s either a full blown affair (and they meet sporadically whenever she comes to London) or it’s mostly based on text/ email (I haven’t ruled it out that he only texts from his work phone, which I haven’t checked). If it’s the latter, I could forgive him if he admitted everything and actually sought counselling this time to work out why he keeps needing ego boosts from other women. I couldn’t rip our family apart for that. And that’s why I need to know the truth.

I’m going to take the advice to refuse to tell him what I know and see if he admits more than he needs to. I think it’s unlikely that he’ll know I’ve seen gift receipts. But it wouldn’t surprise me if he shouts and screams that I’m emotionally abusing him by refusing to say what I’m talking about.

I've only read your replies here so I'm sure someone else has said this, but ". I couldn’t rip our family apart for that." - YOU wouldn't be ripping your family apart. He is the one doing that by his scummy behaviour. If you need to leave, don't feel embarrassed, ashamed or responsible. He caused all of this, not you.

YoungCuriousAndLookingForAnswers · 09/02/2024 11:03

@badgergirl5, his text message this morning seems very dismissive. I think you'll have to prepare for the fact that he's unlikely to admit any wrong doing (no matter how much questioning you do or time to give). Think about what your next move will be at this point. Accept his word and move on? Or say that you've seen enough to know that he's been deceitful and tell him it's over. I don't think you'll ever get the 'proof' you're after and there certainly doesn't seem to be any kind of confession coming so I think it's now or never, OP.

Alondra · 09/02/2024 11:06

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 10:55

I have just written a huge draft email to his brother. There is no one in real life I have told about this (hence my obsession with checking messages on here - this is taking the place of talking to friends who might never forgive him and cloud my judgment).
I am wondering whether to tell his brother everything and see what he thinks. It might seem like a strange choice, but my husband’s brother is a VERY moral and decent person - he doesn’t have a flirty bone in his body. But he loves my husband very much and I feel his advice could help. I just want to ask him what he thinks and, I suppose, take the first step towards getting this into the open. He lives in America and that’s why I’m sending an email that he can read in his own time - he won’t be able to rush round to see either of us and he will have to consider it and reply from arm’s length.

Why are you involving his brother in this fiasco? What do you expect his brother will do? Your husband is not a child to be "morally reprimanded" by his brother when a) your marital issues are not his problems and b) you are taking no practical steps to solve your marital problems on your own.

You are deflecting your husband cheating on your BIL instead of taking action yourself.

Menomeno · 09/02/2024 11:06

His brother will surely want to see the best in him. He won’t face up to the obvious, because he’s a good person who wouldn’t behave like that. It seems like you’re looking for someone to convince you of his innocence?

LenaLamont · 09/02/2024 11:06

Jesus, don't involve his brother! Terrible, terrible decision.

Owlontheprowl · 09/02/2024 11:06

He has acted very unprofessionally with his ex colleague whatever level you take it, so maybe HR should have helped with her mental health, checked up on her and sent her gifts.

Owlontheprowl · 09/02/2024 11:08

Agree about the brother. My ex husband was a total shitsterfckeitbastard. When I told his sister that I was leaving him she said that she would stand by him as he was her brother end of. So his brother might take his side.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Original poster

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 11:10

I just want to talk to someone. And I’m trying to be fair in not picking someone who will just care about me and not him.

OP posts:

abouttogetlynched · 09/02/2024 11:13

It doesn’t sound on the surface like contacting the brother is a great idea. However we don’t know the people involved and their relationships. It might seem like a good idea now OP, but your judgement could (quite rightly) be clouded at the moment. If I were you I would have a really hard think about whether that’s a good idea and if any good can come of it. You say the brother is a decent and moral person, which I’m sure he is, but is it not going to be a case of blood is thicker than water? And even if he inwardly agrees with everything you say, is he really going to give you unbiased advice at the risk of getting involved in a situation that he later wishes he’d kept out of?
I know you’re just trying to figure out what to do for the best right now and I really feel for you. Is there not a friend you can confide in instead?

PringPring · 09/02/2024 11:14

DO NOT EMAIL HIS BROTHER!!!!

Please just don't. Trust us. It's a bad idea.

What about one of your friends that has divorced? Confide in one of them? Call Samaritans and vent? Keep posting on here? But do not involve any one of his friends or family. It will not help, it will make things worse.

DdyDaisyDaresYou · 09/02/2024 11:14

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 10:55

I have just written a huge draft email to his brother. There is no one in real life I have told about this (hence my obsession with checking messages on here - this is taking the place of talking to friends who might never forgive him and cloud my judgment).
I am wondering whether to tell his brother everything and see what he thinks. It might seem like a strange choice, but my husband’s brother is a VERY moral and decent person - he doesn’t have a flirty bone in his body. But he loves my husband very much and I feel his advice could help. I just want to ask him what he thinks and, I suppose, take the first step towards getting this into the open. He lives in America and that’s why I’m sending an email that he can read in his own time - he won’t be able to rush round to see either of us and he will have to consider it and reply from arm’s length.

Don't underestimate how fluid morals can be - I think you'll be disappointed.

Sounds like you want to forgive him, that you want to have your hurt & pain & love acknowledged, for your husband to make you feel valued, loved & treasured...That when he sees he's about to lose you, he'll come to his senses.

He won't.

PringPring · 09/02/2024 11:17

You need to keep your cards very very close to your chest OP. Never let him know what you know. Just say you know and you need him to be honest before you can consider what to do next.

Because you do know! Deep down you do. He's guilty as hell. He's immediately gone on his phone, WhatsApp, Strava etc and made sure it's all "clean". He's got history. He's had opportunity. He's sending her gifts. He's a cheat.

You deserve a better life than how you are feeling right now. Sending you a hug because I reckon you need one.

Alondra · 09/02/2024 11:21

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 11:10

I just want to talk to someone. And I’m trying to be fair in not picking someone who will just care about me and not him.

Stop being disingenuous. You want your "moral and decent" BIL to give your husband an earful to do the work, and hopefully the result you want, without having to face the reality of the man you're married to.

Clobo95 · 09/02/2024 11:45

Hey Op, you need to talk to your husband. Not a friend, not a brother, not the other woman. Just your husband. You need to follow the high expectations that you rightly deserve yourself in terms of openness and honesty, and you need to apply this to your behaviour. No more digging or snooping trying to gather evidence. No more hiding from communicating with your husband.
Contact him to say you want to talk face to face. When you get face to face, try and remain calm, even toned, don’t raise your voice. Say what you did, that you checked his emails, and say what you found. See what he says and go from there. If you feel there is more to it than he is letting on then you can say that then, and say how the trust has gone. See if he is prepared to win back your trust (if you want this) by being open with you, eg letting you have access at anytime to his phone, emails, social media, strata etc etc. You deserve to have this access if trust is to be restored.
If, following your reveal as to what he knows, his actions and words show that he wants to continue to conceal and lie, then you can decide to move on and separate.
But first you need to take the moral high ground and be honest with what you know, and you need to speak to your husband about this, no one else.

JaneAustensHeroine · 09/02/2024 11:48

I duplicate @PringPring ’s hug!

I’d say definitely speak with someone you trust who cares about YOU. You are trying to be fair and balanced which is all very commendable but actually you need to look after yourself first and foremost. Let him sweat.

He is a White Knight, a rescuer. Female colleague has a ‘breakdown’ at work, he’s there…being the good guy. Makes him feel good about himself. Someone needs him. Being in a relationship with someone who needs positive strokes from others is hard-going. This is all on him and his insecurity. I’d let him sweat while you sit back and wait. Let him think he has lost you (whether he has or not). He has an awful lot to lose. Let him ponder that possibility for a while.

febgmt2200 · 09/02/2024 11:52

Don't send the email to the brother @badgergirl5
The brother may well be a moral person but you can never predict how people react in these situations. Blood is often thicker than water.
Totally get that you need someone to talk it through with. Journalling your thoughts will help.

Ramalangadingdong · 09/02/2024 11:54

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 10:52

@Ramalangadingdong the other woman - as opposed to this one who he has been sending gifts to - is someone from the past who knew both of us. She lives in another country now. It was the same story - a series of completely inappropriate texts between them plus discussions that they were going to meet up for a big night out when I was due to be away.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. That’s a significant piece of information that really shows up his vile behaviour - to do that with someone you know well enough to have your number? That is a huge betrayal. I might have left at that point. Did you ever talk to her about the situation? Did she cast any light on his behaviour?

beatrix1234 · 09/02/2024 12:00

I wouldn’t tell his brother just because it’s his brother and not going to give you an objective opinion, if you need to take this out of your chest (and rightly so) please check in with a mental health professional specialising in couples therapy/counselling and spill the beans to him/her, you’ll get a more balanced professional opinion and you won’t get his family involved in a messy situation.