To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

I haven’t read all the comments but I would keep an eye on it if you can face living this way for extra years and months. I would try and look on his phone for more evidence etc and save everything.

I’m with others that 3 gifts is not evidence of an affair in itself. If you raise it now it would be easy to twist/ downplay.

However it’s obviosuky likely part of a bigger picture. If they were just friends he would have mentioned hearing from her/ meeting up sometimes wouldn’t he? X

@SlightlyJaded i will say something very similar to what you have suggested face to face. I don’t think he deserves a text reply. I want him to be unsure of what he is coming back to.

@inabubble3 OK so this is very much what I’m worried about - that the “evidence” so far just isn’t enough. But if I tell him he needs to admit before we can move on, what is he likely to assume that I’ve seen? Somehow I don’t think he'll even think about those emails. Will he think I’ve seen their messages on strava? Or maybe just that she likes his posts on strava all the time? I’m trying to work out what he is likely to admit, if anything.

It's really not a big deal to kids for their parents to split up. They're upset for a few days then they get used to the new normal.

What is difficult for kids is when the split is acrimonious, the parents try to play the kids off against each other, etc.

It's too late to worry about evidence, that ship has sailed.

I would just grey rock him: don't act upset or angry, just be as completely neutral as possible, give him the most beige, generic answers to everything and avoid giving him any information at all.

"What's going on????!"
"Nothing"

etc.

Let him stew and see what he says. Stop trying to control this, you have enough evidence for YOU to know, and that's all that matters. YOUR trust is gone. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you're the one that has to put up with him everyday.

I agree with a PP, the ‘evidence’ doesn’t matter, you set clear boundaries on what you were willing to accept. He was to break all contact and yet he’s now been talking to her on Strava and sending her gifts. It doesn’t matter if he’s met up with her or not, he’s ignored your boundary and you need to stand by what you said . If there’s no consequences he’ll just do it again and again. You’ve said he’s messaged another woman in the past too so it’s obviously his MO and that’s not going to change.

Set the right example to your children that they should expect high standards from their future partners and they should not allow themselves to be treated as you have been. As for not wanting them to have two homes ect, my parents stayed together and I really wish they hadn’t. My child/adulthood would have been happier knowing my dad had been strong enough to leave and wanted happiness for himself instead of years of misery.

The fact that he called you from the other property is no indication that she was not there. As you state yourself, an OW might be perfectly ok with this. It might even be part of their duplicitous 'game' for him to call you when they are together, either because it amuses them or because they think that it's the perfect red herring (yes, people like this do really exist).

However, you have no evidence of them having met at the property. So work with the evidence you do have. The gifts. It is completely unacceptable for him to be buying her gifts behind your back. Make him realise that.

He sounds like he has knight-in-shining-armour syndrome and they both feed off each other. She is the blushing damsel.

The ten year age gap is classic in this scenario. She's also of an age where she might be starting to wonder when she is going to settle down with a nice man.

Having been where you are and married to a similar type of man, please remember you do not have to make any big decisions right now. I know you will feel you need to make decisions and act but actually you do not. Pause for a while. Wait. See what happens. Let things unfold. Things will become clearer in time and you will know when you need to act. Good decisions are rarely made in haste especially when you feel traumatised by what is going on. There is no need to rush into anything.

Id also be tempted to say very little when he returns. See what he has to offer. If he keeps on at you i would perhaps simply say the trust has gone and that you dont know what that means for your marriage but at the moment you need time to think. Let him stew.
Good luck on his return.

I’m so sorry I’ve only just read all your posts. Again sorry if you’ve already said but was the nature of the messages on Strava all related to running ? Or……

I mean it sounds like he knows somethings up now.

what do you want to do? If he admits it all then…….

as others have said the other place you have would be an easy place to meet up wouldn’t it? Even if he was out with mutual friends she could have been there.

It does sound like from her messages about m fancying him she has initiated it, maybe he genuinely cut all contact and she was first to make contact again. Best case scenario it’s her doing all of this and they chat a bit and he’s sent some quite friendly gifts. He probs likes the attention……

but shoe on the other foot- he knows her intentions aren’t entirely ‘friendly’ but hasn’t nipped them in the bud…. When he should have done really shouldn’t he?

im so sorry you’re in this situation. He’ll likely have his guard up so it’s going to be hard to gather evidence now but obviosuky it’d be difficult to keep your cool and be sleuthy with all this going on (I couldn’t do it).

my friend got her husband to admit to an affair (she’d had suspicions) - it was 2 couples in a Friendship group and she called his bluff saying that the lady had admitted to everything and then he did.

theyre still married, had lots of counselling and- it’s been a long time have moved on (although I think it still raises its head soemtimes)

I’m not sure if there’s anyway of doing that?

have you looked her up on social media to see if there are any give aways?

@badgergirl5 he is never going to be faithful if you both decide to 'work through things' and in a few years time you'll be devastated all over again and furious that you hadn't ended it now with your self respect intact.

I agree with others that you have as much evidence as you're going to get now. Now is the time for getting your financial sh*t together & prioritising the practicalities, holding your head high & telling him it's over.

I also think you'll find that people around you are more trusting of your side of the story than you say - he can try and make you sound crazy if he likes, but it's a tale as old of time and if you've been received anonymous messages over the years then chances are others at least suspect what he's been up to.

Anyone who chooses to believe his lies over you isn't worth your time or energy either. Cut out all the deadwood from your life - you're going to flourish.

• get your legals & financials in order
• hold your head high
• tell anyone who sides with him to f off

He's a pathetic coward who doesn't deserve you.

This is a horrible situation but I am just wondering what you are hoping to achieve by catching him out? If you confront him and he says it’s nothing, would you believe him? He’s a liar and a cheat and you need to get your ducks in a row and protect yourself. Once you’ve done that you can confront and say tell me the truth but I know about these three gifts, the texts, the flirting etc. He’s broken your trust, if he had a satisfactory comeback would you trust him? What do you ultimately want (to work on the marriage or get divorced) from this conversation? Sorry you are going through this.

@Penguinmouse If I could choose what happens next, given that my gut is telling me he’s a cheat, I would choose for him to give me a full confession. Then I would ask him to leave - but I’d able to tell our friends and family, who would all be devastated, that he definitely cheated on me.
If he doesn’t admit it, I feel I’ve got an incredibly messy and difficult few years ahead of me where he will manipulate our children to think I threw everything away. I’ve seen it happen to two friends quite recently. Both men cheated but neither admitted it (or at least not fully). They have been disgustingly behaved ever since.

OP you have plenty of evidence that he was having a relationship of some kind - friendly, mentor/mentee/emotional affair/sexual affair/whatever IN SECRET, WITH SOMEONE HE HAD PREVIOUSLY CONFESSED TO AN INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP WITH AND PROMISED TO CUT CONTACT WITH. And then rushed to hide the evidence about when confronted. Entirely disrespectful, and scarcely the actions of someone you can trust, now, and quite possibly, ever again.

You have the evidence for all of that. Him telling third parties you are 'mad' for leaving him based on this sounds like a fools errand on his part. On the face of it most people (except perhaps other deceitful spouses) would consider that absolutely shameful behaviour, and if he can't win back your trust, why would you want to share your life with him. That's no way to live.

"Daddy broke his promises to me and he told me lies. That made me very cross so he's not my friend any more, but of course, he's still your Dad."

But even if he doesn't admit to cheating, you've got evidence of lies and deceit. Lies and deceit are enough to end a relationship on. Friends and family and your kids will understand your decision regardless of whether he actually slept with her. Sex outside of marriage isn't the only valid reason to end one.

Yes, this.

It's not for others to say what level of cheating you should accept in a relationship.

Don’t do this OP. Don’t sink to his low. The children are not pawns.

I think @candycane222 was suggesting a way of explaining why OP’s husband has moved out of the family home to their young children. What would be a better way?

Well maybe you can leave out 'told me lies' and say 'broke some very important promises to me' makes it clear its about Mum and Dad's relationship, specifically.

I would say marital vows are pretty universal, not just "important promises to [her]"

What you want him to do is never going to be what he's going to do. He's a serial cheater, he lies, he gaslights, he manipulates. He'll twist the truth without a problem....and you'll buy it. And you'll buy it because you've been looking the other way for years, enabling his behaviour.

Unless you catch him in the act or he confesses, there'll be no satisfactory way to prove he's cheating on you. Serial cheaters gaslight their partners but never accept responsibility.

You have more than enough ammunition to divorce his sorry ass. The only thing stopping you is yourself and your excuses ..."I need proof", "my children adore him", "emotionally I will suffer if he doesn't confess". Wash, rinse, repeat.

Divorce is tough and often brings conflict in shared parenting. It's the unfortunate consequence for many divorced couples, no just the "cheaters".

Apologies for being so frank, but this 2024, you are financially independent and staying with a serial cheater doesn't make any sense with his history. At some point you need to look at yourself and the part you've played, and keep playing, in enabling him.

Yes, I just think it’s important to put it in a way that doesn’t engage with what the husband is likely to do, from what OP said.

Men like this, even if they never cheat, need constant affirmation and attention from women and you will always feel insecure about it.

Op, you haven’t answered a question I posed earlier. I asked if you thought this young woman could have sent the anonymous texts and you said no because she doesn’t have your number but you said another ow might have sent them. I asked how SHE got your number but you didn’t respond.