Husband thinks my friends are his

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

Sounds like he is trying to make a point that bringing a third party in the middle of a disagreement with your partner is pretty shitty, rather than him actually wanting to talk to your pal.

Well obviously she’s your friend not his.

But if you’re having an argument and then you cut it short to say you’re going to phone your friend for “feedback”- it just sounds like you’re rubbing it in to your husband that you’re going to slag him off.

I imagine his reaction was to feeling hurt about that, rather than him really believing your friend is his.

He sounds like a creep.

Can't you have an argument with your husband without phoning for backup?
I'm sure your friends are only delighted to be put in the middle of your domestic!

Don't involve your friends in the middle of a disagreement.

I can see what you mean, but he was trying to convince me that I was being a cow for asking for an hour to do some work on my profitable business when he is always buggering off to "work" on his "business", which basically involves him posting on Facebook. I've been supportive of his work, but 4 years after starting it it's not bringing in a penny and I'm fed up. He basically told me that most people would think I was being unreasonable for asking for a free hour away from childcare to work. And then when I picked up my phone and went to leave the room he wanted to know exactly what I was doing, I wouldn't have mentioned that I wanted some objective feedback otherwise.

Sounds like his nose is out of joint because you've called her to bitch about him, and he's saying he could do the same to give "his side" - I think you're missing his point.

When I was breaking up with my abusive ex he found out I was posting online (not here) and said he would post as well because I was only giving one side of the story and if he put his across then nobody would encourage me to leave. He never did...

Your missing his point. He's telling me you he thinks it's not ok to have an argument and then go and slag him off to your best friend to get her feedback to use against him. At least don't declare that's what you're going to do.

Wasn't phoning for backup. Just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't being a cow for asking for an hour to do some work! He had me really doubting myself.

He is unreasonable in his arguments (both before and after your call)

But I do think uou are unreasonable to call a friend for back up in the middle of an argument. Your poor friend!

I don’t know.. I’d be quite miffed if DP phoned someone else to get an opinion on our argument!

Nope. He genuinely feels that him calling my friend is ok. He did actually try to call her twice, she didn't answer, because as she says, she's here to support me, not him.

He told me I was unreasonable for making this request.
I absolutely wasn't.
And if he wasn't so incredibly nosy and needing every bloody detail of exactly what I was doing then there wouldn't have been an issue.

You both sound immature and the relationship sounds like an absolute headache. You need to stop sharing all your relationship issues with your mate and you both need to carve out some time for your businesses.

'He did actually try to call her, twice'

What a creepy weirdo, do you not want to divorce him?
And what @mightydolphin said, the marriage sounds like a complete farce. Don't drag your mates in to your embarrassing feuds with your weird husband. So awkward for them.

Do other people's Partners have to give a blow by blow account of every single conversation they have with their mates? Because I don't think that's right, and I'm getting fed up with the 20 questions about who I've spoken to, what I've said, what they've said etc etc

"Wasn't phoning for backup. Just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't being a cow"

That's back up though 😅

That's the point. He does carve out time. Pretty much all day every day. If I want to do any admin I have to do it late at night.
So do you not talk over the end of a relationship with your friends?

Exactly! I don't think he really would call your friend to get an opinion on the argument. He's just pissed off that you did.

Is it the end of the relationship though?

You're more than fine to call your friend for support in this situation as you're married to an arsehole. Obviously you have every right to do what you need to for your business and he should support that. He's a twat.

Why can't you both "work" at the same time? That's what people with proper jobs do.

Although it just sounds like you're both trying to be "influencers" or selling wax melts or something.

Ok all you lovely mumnetters.
I was under the mistaken impression that I could lean on my friends for support. Seems I am very much mistaken.
Thank you all for the clarification!

I think the specifics are masking that fact you have a problem in this relationship.

Sounds like coercive control.