Husband thinks my friends are his

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

I am glad you have such a supportive friend OP!

One of my friend's husbands tried to do the same with me, attempting to appeal to me to reason with her to get her to do what HE wanted because he knows we're close.

I told him to listen to his wife and that I had nothing else to add because she'd already told him what to do.

He hasn't spoken to me since 😁

Your friend did the right thing, and of course you have the right to get perspective by speaking to your friend. So odd people are saying otherwise.

I think you are wilfully misunderstanding what people are saying.

You can of course lean on friends for support, but phoning them in the middle of an argument for confirmation that your husband is an arsehole is quite odd behaviour. I think any one of us would want to talk with a friend if we were concerned about our partner's behaviour, but not literally there and then right in the middle of the argument. The way you're going about it all sounds very reactive and dramatic. I can understand that you're probably at the end of your tether but if one of my friends phoned me up there and then, mid-argument, and said 'Settle an argument for me - should H give me an hour for work admin? He says no, but I say he's a dickhead' I would think 'Sorry, what? Why are you asking me?'

Looking at your follow-up posts, it's very obvious that you hate your husband because he's a controlling prick - and I certainly can't blame you for that. He sounds like a total cunt. But the solution is to end your marriage, not to engage in his toxic bullshit. He's an awful man but don't let his behaviour bring out the worst in you - you're better than that.

Yes, she really is pure gold.

Just to clarify, it wasn't in the middle of the argument!
And I wouldn't have told him had he not badgered me to tell him where I was going, what I was doing!

OK OP I know this one. ExH was totally unreasonable but I was so in it, I couldn't see it. So I would say, "I'm so sure I'm right I could go out of the flat and ask the first person I see and they would agree". I KNEW I was right but years of his nonsense had ground me down.

He doesn't want you to do this because he wants his voice to be the only one. And he wants your friends on his 'side' so you can't escape his voice.

Didn't work for exH though. I still see 2 of his friends and he sees none of mine!

To quote Diana, it sounds like there are three of you in this marriage and that ain't ever going to work. I should call it a day if I was you OP.

No you are absolutely fine! Just ignore these posters. Its obvious your dh is controlling and gaslighting you and you were perfectly entitled to reach out to a friend to explore your feelings.

I could see an argument against a third party if you had asked your friend to call dh and abuse/criticize him but you didn’t. That’s what HE was proposing. He threatened to try to convert your friend into a flying monkey to correct your bad behavior. That is a real problem.

Sit down with yourself snd list the pros and cons of being married to this absolute waste of space lazy asshole. His “business “ is nothing. He doesn’t respect your time, money, labour, or privacy. What does he have that makes him better than his absence.

That is just odd of your friend.

Thank you so much, for a minute there I did wonder if I was being ridiculous!
Comforting to see that some of you get what I'm on about 💐

Really?
I'm quite glad she's odd then!

Well he can call your best friend for years to slag you off...but he will be digging his own grave 😂😂😂

What does he think they will say haha idiot..

Am I getting this right, he brings in fuck all money, but won’t do any parenting so that you can work on your business that does bring money in? He sounds abusive so I think you’re absolutely right to check in with a friend if it helps keep you grounded. Long term though, you need to leave this prick.

It’s not remotely odd, she doesn’t owe him support, she’s not a service bot.

Unless op had pre warned her, she wouldn’t know what he was calling about?
She doesn’t exist to “support” either of them…

The context that people didn't have in your opening post is that he is an abusive, controlling gaslighter and you're calling your friend for a sanity check because he's beaten you down. People are responding under the assumption you are in a generally non-abusive marriage and you've deliberately played the card of going to complain about him to your friend in the middle of a routine marital spat. The latter would be read by most people as inappropriate, dramatic and passive-aggressive, and many people are responding based on that initial read of the scenario.

What your argument was about was t the point of your thread.

I think it was pretty shitty to tell him that you wanted to involve your friend in your disagreement with him.

Is this the same guy who bought a £250 laptop and lied it said it was £100?

No she doesn’t, SHE gets to pick who she supports and if she wants to support her friend, but not the abusive arsehole making her friends life difficult, that is perfectly rational. Weird that you think it isn’t, frankly.

Call time on this relationship as you clearly don’t like each other

Maybe ask her if he's a friend of hers, after all it isn't your decision to make is it. My husband has friends from before I knew him, some of them are now friends of mine.

@Naunet said "she’s not a service bot." so in saying "She doesn’t exist to “support” either of them…" you are just agreeing with her.

And yes, friend would know why he was calling because OP had spoken to her. It was clearly stated - you haven't cleverly deduced that. It's irrelevant anyway.

My friends and I support each other - would you extrapolate that we all "exist" to do so?

You silly poster. You just want to have an argument

God no!

Has he always been this insecure?

There seems to be a lot going on here

I think most people do,

They just don't make announcements about it!

I agree, in the past I have had friends trying to get me involved in arguments,

If I agree with friend , I am right his is a pig / looser/ tight etc.
If I disagree I am wrong , what do I know , why side with him do I fancy him .

Either way I come away from the conversation feeling used.