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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks my friends are his

136 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:11

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

OP posts:
MayNov · 09/02/2024 19:33

Sounds like you’re being gaslighted, and you needed some reassurance as he’s making you doubt your own reality. Of course it’s reasonable to request for an hour to work on your business. It sounds like you’re the main breadwinner and supporting this narcissist? My ex used to phone my friends and that I’ve hit him. He also made me question everything I thought was normal. Narcissists in general don’t have friends, sponge off their partners if they can and isolate their partners by destroying their reputation.

samqueens · 09/02/2024 20:04

Just here to say that it’s obvious from your first post (at least to anyone who has been there) that your H is 🚩🚩🚩 for abuse. Very glad that you and plenty of PPs also recognise this.

If you haven’t already you might find Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? a useful read. (Download on kindle or Apple Books, read privately) it’s incredibly enlightening and empowering

💐💐

Rachelsthorns · 10/02/2024 15:54

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/02/2024 20:19

Can you link to any of his posts? Give us all a laugh.

Show quote history

How I wish I could!
He deleted his account and never dared to post again. I heard plenty about the evils of Mumsnet women, though Grin

Rachelsthorns · 10/02/2024 15:56

ScrambledSmegs · 08/02/2024 21:56

I was on a thread when a husband did this. I believe I told him no one cared about him and to fuck off. Then I instantly reported myself Grin.

Sadly I think all of the wankspanner's posts were deleted which was a shame as he'd demonstrated with blinding clarity how he considered the OP his possession and not an independent person worthy of respect.

Show quote history

If that was my wankspanner, I thank you from the bottom of my heart you absolute hero! Flowers

Nanaof1 · 10/02/2024 16:11

MammaTo · 09/02/2024 19:12

I don’t think he thinks your friends are his, I think he’s saying well if you phone her to moan about me - I’ll phone and moan about you

Then he needs to call someone who actually GAS about what he says. HER friends are not it.

It says something about someone who doesn't have any friends of their own to lean on so they have to try and glom onto a spouses.

The more I hear about this abusive, controlling, lazy, do-nothing waste of a human male, the more I applaud the OP for getting a backbone and letting her friends have her back.

piccola15 · 10/02/2024 19:46

I think you should leave him. Honestly your friend would probably watch the kids for an hour if you could escape it, I know I would.

My husband financially supports us. I am disabled and have a start up business that's paying for the odd holiday. His work absolutely trumps mine because we are surviving on it and we are a team! I get support from him and he's excited for me but it's common sense. I hope you can leave x x

EmeraldA129 · 10/02/2024 20:54

Sorry op but your relationship seems to be wearing you down too much. From what you’ve said it sounds like he might be insecure & a bit jealous of both your work success & your good relationships.

I don’t know enough about you to say what you need to do, but have been in a situation that sounds similar. I was the main earner & he was self employed earning less & less over a number of years. He increased our financial commitments for things with our t any discussion & used funds from our joint account to buy weed etc. he was really petty with me & if he fell out with me he would stay up all night and w as me me periodically to give me hassle for something even though I had work plus a 4 hour commute the next day. my friends & family had grown relatively distant.

we split because he could wouldn’t let something minor go, but when that happened I was entirely broken. My friends & family that I had neglected were there, they said they were glad to have me back.

I will always hold a significant loss from this as I lost two wonderful step children through this process but my life is much better being out of that relationship.

only you know what is right for you & your situation may be entirely different, but it had enough similarities to think it worthwhile to share my experience.

Mirabai · 10/02/2024 21:39

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:22

I can see what you mean, but he was trying to convince me that I was being a cow for asking for an hour to do some work on my profitable business when he is always buggering off to "work" on his "business", which basically involves him posting on Facebook. I've been supportive of his work, but 4 years after starting it it's not bringing in a penny and I'm fed up. He basically told me that most people would think I was being unreasonable for asking for a free hour away from childcare to work. And then when I picked up my phone and went to leave the room he wanted to know exactly what I was doing, I wouldn't have mentioned that I wanted some objective feedback otherwise.

Show quote history

Get free and live your life.

Jacesmum1977 · 11/02/2024 21:55

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 08/02/2024 14:11

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

My long term bf (14 years) doesn’t really have any close friends. He gets on very well with some of my best mates and they would have time for him if he needed to talk to someone who wasn’t me. I would even be fine with it if it was about me as I have been unreasonable and irrational in the past. My friends know me well enough to know this about me.
He has online friends (real time gaming, played with these people for years, speaks to them regularly). Idk if he’d talk openly about any issues to them but I hope he would if he needed/wanted to.
We all need someone to talk to.
It would be good if your DP could say his bit because maybe he feels that he needs to be heard.

I think you should have that hour.

Jacesmum1977 · 11/02/2024 22:05

I just read all your posts OP. Sorry, I should have done that first (my brain doesn’t work ‘normally’).
Good luck for your future. He’s a toss pot.
I had one of them. You’ll be much happier without him x

GreekDogRescue · 03/04/2024 21:26

He sounds awful, definitely a LTB.
im glad you have lovely friends.

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