Husband thinks my friends are his

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

Well, then obviously you need to agree a more equal split for childfree time. That's between the two of you.

I don't share relationship problems with friends, but then, I also have a partner that respects my time and treats me as an equal. Why does he think he can get away with taking more time for his business?

Nope not influencer. Can't say what but is a customer facing business that I've run for 25 years! Just need some time to finish up some admin.
What on earth is wax melt?

You don't sound happy with him. I wouldn't be, either.

So you were asking him to spend an hour with your children so that you could work and he refused?

Are the children both of yours? Not that it should make any difference, though.

If he's got a business that doesn't make any money then it's just a hobby. Is he living off your earnings?

You are married to an unreasonable twit, which was an unreasonable thing to do, and you are expecting him to be reasonable, which is also unreasonable.

But he did. Twice.

Yes, he has been doing this for years now. And yes children are both of ours. He's upset because I dared to ask for an hour. Idiot is he.

Of course you can lean on your friend for support, just not in the middle of an argument.

It sounds like you've got much bigger issues than this though.

Why are you doubting yourself so much with your friend and here?

Yes.
Too controlling.

Actually you're the idiot for putting up with this behaviour. He needs to get a full time job instead of faffing about saying he's got a business (that doesn't do any business) and refusing to look after his own children.

Yes. Have become painfully aware of this over last year. Not just rolling over and accepting it anymore. Whenever he has me doubting myself I check in with my best mate who is very good at telling it how it is.

Well yes the fact that you phoned your friend and he was annoyed and wanted to phone her too is not actually the point.

You are unhappy that he wouldn't allow you to take time to follow up on admin?

Why wouldn't he allow you to do this?

Absolutely I am. At least I see it now.

He knows that the way he behaves is wrong. He's only gotten away with it up to now because he's systematically isolated me from people. Am not accepting this any more.

Well, there you are.

It's not about the phone call to your friend.

It's about your relationship with your partner.

Exactly this. The problem isn’t that he thinks your friends are his, but that you’re mired in a petty tit-for-tat situation, fuelled by a mutual dislike of each other.

Oh dear...this sounds like me and exDH when our marriage was about to end. We had a whole shouting match, like over an hour of him shouting at me, because I wanted to go have breakfast with a friend and he wanted to come and I said no. He was FURIOUS! Kept banging on how he's friends with her too, I can't keep him from socialising etc. How dare not spend Sunday morning with my own husband etc.

The truth was he knew our relationship was ending and I was probably leaning on her for support and he didn't want me to have any alone time with her.

Your H is a twat and you know it. Once you see it, you can't unsee it and it's a slow road to divorce. Good luck, stay strong.

I don't think anyone has said you shouldn't have called your friend. It just seems a bit "sinking to his level". He's pissed you off (rightfully, he's being a dick about the childcare issue) so you're making a point of going to complain about him so he's aware of it.

The relationship sounds like it's on its last legs anyway.

He sounds like a controlling arsehole and also that he’s gaslighting you - that’s why you wanted to phone a friend, because what he was saying was at odds with reality.

Very unreasonable of him to object to you having time to work, whilst he has plenty of time on his hobby business
.
But this bit is key background, otherwise it sounds odd that you went to phone a friend - with all the info, it isn’t.

He doesn't genuinely want your friend's opinion and he threatened/attempted to phone purely to freak you out. He's just a bit pissed off that you're openly phoning your mates mid-argument to slag him off and get their 'feedback', and pointing out that you wouldn't like it if someone did the same to you, and that you are giving them a one-sided picture.

If I had a private argument with a partner and they immediately scuttled off to moan about me on the phone and then told me that's what they'd been doing, I would be really fucking annoyed. I'm sure we all talk about this stuff with our friends, but most of us are a lot more discreet about it. I wouldn't react the way your partner reacted, which was OTT and silly, but I would also think my own partner was being a fucking arsehole for running off during an argument to phone a friend for backup like you're on Who Wants To Be Millionaire.

Your relationship with your husband sounds quite unhealthy. Scoring points, talking about whose side friends are on, bringing your friends into your private arguments... you honestly sound like you actively dislike each other and it sounds really immature.

This.

Having said that, there is a certain type of man who adopts his girlfriend’s social circle wholesale while he’s with her. Once the relationship ends, he goes into neutral mode and is friendless until he enters a new relationships, when the same cycle begins again.

It’s not even clear to me that it’s always a conscious thing. I became got to know a colleague in a new job and quickly realised that his stories about his friends were all 30 years old, from his student days, and he had neither kept in touch with them since nor made new ones, something he didn’t seem at all aware of. The only people he’d seen socially in years were his wife’s friends and family. When they’d got married, his fiancée had gone on social media to try to track down contacts for his old student friends so he could invite them. I think he hadn’t seen the student friend he asked to be his best man in 15 years!

If you asked him, he would list friendships from half a lifetime earlier, as ‘current’, with no apparent idea that you would usually have some idea what country a current friend lived in, or his wife’s hobby friends.

He is a nice man, but terribly passive and set in his ways. When his marriage ended, he played PlayStation games until he met a new girlfriend, and promptly adopted her friends.

This whole thing sounds farcical

Why can’t you both act like grown ups?

How old are you both?

No, I don't think this is the situation at all, if you read the OP's responses.

People aren’t reading the OP’s updates which show she is being gaslit and controlled.

Yes that's it. He's gaslighted me over so many things for so long that I never trust my own judgement. It was actually my mate who suggested I ring her whenever he's made me doubt my own reality. And it's definitely helping.