Husband thinks my friends are his

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

She’s a great friend, OP. An infinitely better friend than your DP is partner. But it sounds as though you know that…

Was wondering if this was actually my husband 🤣
Thankfully I'm not sure he even knows mumsnet exists

So you call your friends about disagreements to complain about him, get them onside and are getting annoyed when he points out that's not right? Just as you are getting wound up by posters on here who say it would annoy them.

You do not sound old enough to be in a relationship.

Now this username does make me suspect my husband for various reasons

He sounds emotionally immature and lacking in understanding of friendships. Which could be quite a challenging journey for you while he learns as an adult what most people learn as children. Meantime, it's probably not the best idea to fuel an argument between you and him by making it obvious you're discussing him with a friend. While there's nothing wrong with confiding in someone, he's obviously not going to be thrilled about it, is he? So discretion on your part would have been sensible.

Is this directed at the OP’s DH because it’s the only context in which your post would make vague sense.

OP you know the reality of your relationship don’t doubt your instincts.

Some men will do anything to avoid being on their own with and solely responsible for their children, OP. Including make a twat of themselves like this.

I’ve already said her husband is a cunt, but the whole dynamic seems very childish and toxic, arguing about whose mate OP’s friend is, her telling her DH she was going to ask her opinion on an argument. It sounds so exhausting. I couldn’t be doing with it.

Can you link to any of his posts? Give us all a laugh.

What it is is someone who hasn’t read the full thread!

Um isn't everyone on MN doing the same? OP wanted some perspective and to validate her request as being reasonable. I don't see the issue. Maybe not telling him that's what you're doing but nevertheless none of us are an island and if you're partner's being a knob then why not get support from friends.

It doesn't sound as if Op is just moaning to her friend though or getting her onside.

It seems that she can't see the wood for the trees & is rather asking is what her husband saying/doing usual?

I have read all of the OP’s posts. I still think the whole thing is pathetic, he’s more in the wrong yes, but it reminded me of the school playground ‘’she’s MY friend!’’ ‘’No she’s not, she’s mine!’’ Yes, I know that’s not what OP said but it’s what came to mind 🤣

She shouldn’t have told her DH what her and her friend were discussing because it was nothing to do with him at all, but it seems like she told him to score points against him because her friend agreed with her and she wanted to rub his face in it. They need to just split because he seems like a lazy abusive arse, but it’s toxic all round.

because her friend agreed with her and she wanted to rub his face in it

Nope. Please do read my updates. He insisted on knowing what I was doing, who I was about to speak with, and what I wanted to talk about. So I was honest because tbh I couldn't be bothered to lie to salvage his ego given how unreasonable he was being. Friend did agree with me, but I didn't tell him this. Only wanted to talk to her so I could be sure of my own reality, not to get at him.

But it was obvious he was going to be pissed off about you telling your friend what a twat he was being, wasn’t he? Is he physically abusive? What would he have done if you’d have told him that it was private?

He clearly wants to change the narrative to your friend so she doesn’t have a bad opinion of him, so by telling him you’ve added fuel really.

Yes I think you're right. I'd just had enough of him needing to know every detail of my life in that moment. Sick of kowtowing to him I suppose. Nothing physical for a while and if he ever dared again I'd call the police straight away. I'm pissed off at myself for essentially marrying a bloody teenager and taking so long to realise. (he's not actually a teenager, just thinks like one).

I was on a thread when a husband did this. I believe I told him no one cared about him and to fuck off. Then I instantly reported myself .

Sadly I think all of the wankspanner's posts were deleted which was a shame as he'd demonstrated with blinding clarity how he considered the OP his possession and not an independent person worthy of respect.

@ScrambledSmegs brilliant response!

Let's hope you or someone you love is never in a coercive control, abusive situation.
Then you'd know all about toxic and exhausting. And fear, panic, anxiety, doubt and dread.

You are so much luckier than the OP.

I have not read the full thread, but this gives me an excuse to rant about my ex thinking all my friends were his….

After we split it we had to keep in touch as we have a child (now adult). We get on ok.When Facebook first came out, Ex went about adding everyone he could think of, including 3 friends of mine that I went to school with and he met twice, and then he had isolated me from them as he was jealous. At this point I had not been in touch with these 3 friends for over 10 years thanks to him! There he was adding them on Facebook. I was, and still am, livid at the audacity. I wanted to keep my life now very private.

My sympathies to everyone in similar situations.

How do you deduce that I haven’t been? I have actually when I was in my early 20’s, hence I’ve matured since then and don’t tolerate that sort of thing as I have boundaries and I realise my own self worth. If she can get out, she should instead of getting into situations that perpetuate his behaviour. It seemed very childish the whole thing with her friend. In any case OP has clarified a few things.

I think you call your friend because part of you senses that your husband is showing a lot of red flags with his behaviour. He wants to know every detail of your contact with anyone else, he doesn’t earn any money but moans when you ask him to actually DO SOMETHING that will help you carry on paying for everything? If you have been the sole breadwinner for 4 years, doing everything else and he is monitoring your every move, being totally unreasonable than I say you should end this relationship. Perhaps you
would like your friend to confirm that, say leave him. But most friends are more diplomatic. I am not your “friend” so I say, this man sounds toxic for sure.

You both sound a bit weird. You for saying he isn’t allowed to class your friends as his, this sounds like something that would take place in primary school. You also for going to go get friend’s opinion on an argument in the middle of it. He sounds strange to say that he would ring ‘your’ friends but I’m guessing this was in retaliation to this playground scenario.

I don’t think he thinks your friends are his, I think he’s saying well if you phone her to moan about me - I’ll phone and moan about you

I'm not sure of your age but calling a friend about that is something I'd have done 15 years ago. I would not do that now, never in a husband's presence. It's really intrusive and I feel that sort of thing can massively under mine relationships.
Your husband is most likely upset at the fact you've brought the friend into this. It's a big no no. If you're having major issues in your relationship I'd personally go speak with a counsellor on my own and wouldn't bring friends into the middle of arguments like that. You'll undermine what you have and the friend will always have this info on him and you.